Love is to beer as I am to drunk. And you say I’m not romantic. Shoot, I’m so romantic I could just puke.

I had a dream about you. You wore all yellow and I wore all blue, and together we were trying to make the world a little greener. Not through sex, as I wanted, but through...

If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic.You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right?...

As for hearing, the sloth is not so much deaf as uninterested in sound.

Here comes a pair of very strange beast, which in all tongues are called “fools”.

I plan on putting off death my whole life.

Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?””What’s the point of that, Miss?” the waiter said.”Tomorrow morning,” Mabel said.

I could fuck on my back like 4:44. But I don’t. I do it like 3:33.

See, this is what the United States of America is all about.You can wrestle a thousand bears and chew on a billion knives but in the end, you are only as good as the dude...

The verse is supposed to get you hard so the chorus can suck you off.

Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints.

An Airstream is a lot like a first love: you are lured by her charm, seduced by her beauty, and once bitten, you are forever chasing after her mystique.

Her cold, dead body was as stiff as a mannequin, but that didn’t stop me from asking her to dance. I was confident that even as a corpse she’d still have more fluidity on the...

somehow people forget that there is God….what more to us we’re just individuals,,to forget is part of imperfections..

My internal voice raised its decibel level. Sam O. Same

Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more scandalous. I should eat in the library, along with the other gluttonous nudists.

Ellen’s life was not easy, nor was it happy, but she did not expect life to be easy, and, if it was not happy, that was woman’s lot. It was a man’s world, and she...

„…And he doesn’t like you to call him Mr. McStabby, you know.””Have you ever seen him cutting up that meat? He is like an artist with slicing. And that knife is as long as my...

and, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves as one, but every child was conducting itself like forty.

I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.

The pursuit of historical relevance is an under appreciated endeavor.

When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.

I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD.

You couldn’t be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But...

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

More than anything.” Rob persisted. “You’d crawl on your belly over broken glass for her. Easy.

You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and run a larm. What’s a larm? A buzzing sound the length of a...

I found a hair in my Campbell’s soup, and I’d love to talk to them about advancement opportunities for bald people. My love is as bald as an eagle, only not symbolic of the largest...

Ego is the world’s worst narcotic

wouldn’t you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?’As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs...

Why are you limping like that?’ Nicholas demanded.’I’m swaggering,’ I informed him.’You look like you’re wearing a diaper.’Charming. And I had a crush on this guy.Wait. I had a crush on this guy?’Now what?’ he...

My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first name dies (my first name will die with me). I wish my first...

You wouldn’t think that people would believe that we all got so incredibly beat up—in so many interesting ways—from a bear attack. Especially not when Carmel is sporting a bite mark that is a spot-on...

The only thing cats love more than food is sleep. We have that in common.

I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.

You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one’s better in bed.

Bett didn’t have any siblings because she said her father had preserved what was dead for too long to be able to create life. When Bet was younger and had begged for one, her father...

And have your mother put my head on a stake? Do you have any notion what that would do to my handsome good looks?

On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he...

Miro, I’m so sorry. I always felt such pity for you humans because you could only think of one thing at a time and your memories were so imperfect and . . . now I...

Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl...

I had a dream I was able to fly now I have chained my bead to the ground. I like walking dreams better.

I don’t mind foreigners. God save the queen!” he squeaked and ran.

And it’s really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

The decor was attractive and strong, but blander than she would have thought his wealth and position afforded him. Caren couldn’t see the point of having that much money if all of it led to...

I had a dream about you. You left your popcorn in my microwave, so I decided to enact revenge by selling the essence of your stinky fridge as a fragrance marketed toward the same people...

Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?

The first ten million years were the worst,” said Marvin, “and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn’t enjoy at all. After that I went...