I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.

Love takes courage, if you’re doing it right. Not the kind of courage a soldier has, but the kind of courage a writer has. Say, I’m a writer, and I’m a lover—therefore I must be...

No wonder Thanksgiving was my favorite—you can’t buy it, wrap it, or put it under a tree, and even the greeting card companies can’t seem to make a buck off of it. It’s just a...

OMG. He’s a gift shop, a lamb kebab with mint,/a solar panel poetry machine with biceps. He’s the path/through the dark woods, the light on the page, a postcard/from the castle and a one-way ticket...

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.

You’ll drown in my love story, if I ever write it using a fountain pen.

If you could smell my smile, you’d nose how bad I want to kiss you. But you can’t, and I don’t.

Teachers’re always using that “in your own words.” I hate that. Authors knit their sentences tight. It’s their job. Why make us unpick them, just to put it back together more shonkily? How’re you s’posed...

Life is like a game of limbo in reverse. The bar keeps rising higher and we need to keep rising to the occasion.

With math, I remember all of the words—and none of the numbers. I’m also like that with love.

Ethan: “Abstaining definitely doesn’t work.”Beth: “what do you suggest?”Ethan: “We’re obviously going to have to make love often, but keep the encounters from getting too intense.” He sounded perfectly serious, like he really believed what...

I wouldn’t read Jarod’s writing—not even if he paid me to read it. And he does pay me to read his writing, but that doesn’t mean I do.” Of course the quote continued on, but...

0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love.

The statement ‘There is nothing more American than an Indian’ happens to be a multidimensional paradox. Try and not say too many of those. That might open your mind to ideas that could cause sanity...

I’ve written for the waste basket so often that we’ve become friends. He writes too, but it’s mostly garbage.

It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous...

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I folded my map in half and used it to make a sandwich. Then I dipped it in coffee and ate all of Europe and half of Russia.

The only people who don’t need elevator pitches are elevator salesmen. I once tried to sell an elevator to a man who owned a one-story building. He didn’t buy from me, but he did sell...

Her name…was Mrs. marina Orlova, and she had grown up in Siberia. Later, she would tell him that she loathed the American custom of constantly smiling: “They are like chimpanzees,” she said, in her bitter...

Random chance is not sufficient to explain random chance. ~Jubal Harshaw

I had a dream about you. We were business partners. We had a pizza parlor/urinal repair shop, and to our great surprise we had no customers. Some businesses fail because they’re simply ahead of their...

In any case, it’s the cowardice of people like you who give dictators the chance to install themselves!

Her hair was the color of coffee without cream, and she fell in love with me when I poured sugar on her. Probably.

Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!

Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: “Deh moon looks like hell, don’t it?

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top’s ‘Sharp Dressed Man’ or the opening line from ‘Born to be Wild’ by Steppenwolf – ‘Get...

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Congrats, bro. You’ve just sold your soul to the devil. Wait. You don’t have a soul.

When a child reaches puberty, parents become so curious about their sex lives and whereabouts, put them behind bars to their own detriment. When such a child breaks free, don’t be surprised to see him/her...

You can’t write with dry ink. Likewise, using another author’s dried words to make your writing more fluid is not only dishonest, but it’s against everything I stand for as a former lifeguard.

Not only is my lover invisible, but she’s also nonexistent. Talk about a cheap date!

An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and...

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

No, I really did. I walked into that room and saw the hottest, sexiest guy I’ve ever seen – wet and half naked. And I said, “E”I know. How am I still single, right?

I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.

The Money River, where the wealth of the nation flows. We were born on the banks of it-and so were most of the mediocre people we grew up with, went to private schools with, sailed...

This book has nothing to do with cats. Or mice. Or self-motivation. This book is 100% 50% finished. But don’t worry, I finished the good half. But don’t be mistaken—the good half isn’t good at...

I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.

Dreams like a podcast,Downloading truth in my ears.They tell me cool stuff.””Apollo?” I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.He put his finger to his lips. “I’m incognito. Call me...

If that’s the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake,” Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, “I’m all for fighting tyranny and oppression.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps

I want to get married, but first I’ll have to get a divorce.

The police thought she tried to kill me, and that’s what I thought too, so I tried to kill myself, so my attempted suicide would take away their suspicious of her attempted murder. Now that’s...

This is Leo. I’m the… What’s my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or…””Repair boy.””Very funny, Piper.

Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia!

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Bet you ten bucks we make it.”What are the odds? she thought, and realized with sudden, blinding clarity that she wouldn’t take the other side of that bet, that only a loser would bet against...