Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

Don’t mind her. She keeps her nose so high in the air, she’s liable to drown in a good rainstorm.

Illinois makes silent noise. Loudoun County, however, has some of the highest decibel levels ever recorded by the Quiet Factory, since the political mouths in DC put them out of the whoopee cushion business.

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It’s death porn for the masses.

You possess other people’s…bodies.”He accepted that statement with a nod.”Do you want to possess my body?””I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that’s not one of them.

A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to give it out to the masses and say soothing things with a straight...

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

Always mystify, torture, mislead, and surprise the audience as much as possible.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was...

Having a clone to bounce ideas off of would be a way to generate more ideas. Another way would be to build an idea generator that plugs into a wall socket and works only when...

Who can fail to mist at Fergie’s anthem, ‘My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.’ Hmmm. ‘My lunch, my lunch, I swear it’s coming up.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

The world requires me to re-write its wretched dialogue!

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode.

Don’t make a feller wait too long. A feller waiting on a gal can get ornery’er than a huntin’ dog that’s tree’d it’s squirrel.

Grandma frowned and yelled something in Russian. She could have been saying, ‘Open up, your best friend is here.’ On the other hand, it could have been, ‘America is a great country because of canned...

Like most bad ideas, it started with alcohol.

Just like the cosmonauts and their pee plants, all we have is each other.

Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare,...

Doubtful, but it did work…”Annabeth?” Percy said again. “You’re planning something. You’ve got that I’m-planning-something look.””I don’t have an I’m-planning-something look.””Yeah, you totally do. Your eyebrows knit and your lips press together and —“”Do you...

Did he just rip out the engine?” I asked.”Yes”, Saiman said. “And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it.”Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be...

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

It was not very long afterwards that Michael woke up one morning with a curious feeling inside him. He knew, the moment he opened his eyes, that something was wrong but he was not quite...

The men responsible for this depression are irresponsible, and therefore only irresponsible people are responsible enough to get us out and reverse course.

Wait a minute, hold on… The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain?

I say, thirteen is too many dogs for good mental health. Five is pretty much the limit. More than five dogs and you forfeit your right to call yourself entirely sane.Even if the dogs are...

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.

I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.

I would have stolen it for you, had I known you were interested.” His voice was muffled by the door to the lumber room down the hallway, and I heard thumps and a crash.I raised...

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

Which meant it was time for the centerpiece of the celebration, the reason they were all gathered on Saturday, the weekly episode of what, as far as many of the Davidsons including Jody were concerned...

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

…it was another year or two before I discovered that drat and draft were different words. During that same period I remember believing that details were dentals and that a bitch was an extremely tall...

Schwester Marie–Claire hatte in ihrem Ethikunterricht stets behauptet, es käme gar nicht darauf an, dass die Menschen an den Teufel glaubten, denn es reiche schon aus, dass der Teufel gute Gründe hätte an die Menschen...

Garion drew in a deep breath. “Or,” he continued, “I can go off by myself and find Torak – wherever he is – and try to kill him.” Silk whistled, his eyes widening. “He said...

I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.

Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

i find nothing more depressing than optimism.

My dreams, they all look like the back of my eyelids.

A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you.

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

…there is the sheer emotional, intellectual, physical, chemical pleasure of your children. The honest truth is that the world holds no greater gratification than lying in bed with your children, putting your leg on top...

Both were military. That was clear.Reacher could tell by their haircuts. No civilian barber would be as pragmatic or as brutal.

I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels.””Oh, they do that!” Amy laughs. “Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though,...