Nature is a porno. Deal with it.

I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure.

My love is divided into three parts. I’ll give you part one and two for free, but for the fourth installation, you’ll have to pay for it.

Who leads the world in consumption? America! Who has more lawyers per capita? America! Who has the highest incarceration rate? America! What is the greatest country on earth? America!

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in...

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.

Everyone is a fuckin’ Napoleon.

What’s this about?””Finally. Interest,” was the only response.”If this is one of your tricks…” Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly...

I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit is wetter than you’d imagine.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

Cops, I’ve learned, are like vampires; they can’t come in unless you invite them.

Your job is obviously very pressured.””I thrive under pressure,” I explain. Which is true. I’ve known that about myself ever since…Well. Ever since my mother told me when I was about 8.

If I’m going down, I’m going down with lipstick on.

It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.

I hate office politics. Still, I’m running for office mayor.

Look, Mrs. McGillicuddy, it’s not my fault your son jumped out a dorm room window on Christmas eve. I’ve written over fifty books as a Columbia professor, all right? You don’t do that by holding...

Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familiar with half a dozen languages and can swear fluently in all of them. She understands...

The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

What did you think of him?” Cade asked.”Give me some credit,” Zach said. “Guy’s more full of shit than a duck pond.

When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.

I had a dream about you. I was in love with you, but you didn’t even know I existed. In fact, like a politician with integrity, I didn’t exist, and that’s the best part, because...

I don’t punch walls, because walls don’t punch back. I also don’t punch things that can and do punch back.

It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?

My only regret is that I don’t have more to regret.

He took a breath, then proclaimed, ‘Lady Shaselle of Hytanica, I am in love with you.’ I burst into laughter, pulling my legs up to ease my aching stomach muscles. He rolled onto his side...

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

When I look in the mirror, I see not only the person I am, but the person I could be. The person I could be is clean-shaven, and I like him better than me.

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all...

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

It appears your son was 85 percent curry!

Number eight of the ten Amazon commandments: never fight an opponent face-to-face if you couldn’t defeat him. Wait and stab him in the back later.

The lake I live by has dried up after years of selling bottled water from my back yard. So to encourage my neighbors to get excited about this development, I correctly pointed out that my...

Love isn’t all flowers, candles, and dancing midgets. No, it is much, much taller than all that.

It’s about time! It’s supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon.

Percy’s thoughts: I don’t recommend shadow travel if your scared of:A) The darkB) Cold shivers up your spineC) Strange noisesD) Going so fast you feel like your is peeling offIn other words I thought it...

I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many—a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made...

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better...

If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with...

I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.

Where’s the dam water fountain I’m thirsty?

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

Writing a first-draft battle scene is akin to real combat—chaos, confusion, and you must keep your cool as you fire word bullets downrange.

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did...

I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.

He smiled. “I suppose I thought we’d have a madly impractical, terrifyingly modern sort of marriage. One based on love. Not to mention dangerous undertakings and hair’s-breadth escapes from burning buildings, high ledges and exploding...