That creature’s staying?’ It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov)

I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.

This is why we can’t have nice things…

I’ll wear a fork on my head, and if anybody wants a job, they can eat salad off my scalp.

Rather a thousand times the county jail than to lie under this marble figure with wings and this granite pedestal bearing the words “pro patria.” What do they mean anyway?

But-” Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at – and stared.Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him...

I normally don’t do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

Is this Jarod? This is Jarod. I’m you—from the future. I’m exactly like you—only better! By the way, congrats on your upcoming wedding! Spoiler alert: divorce

PricklyWhen I’m feelingporcupine-y,I get nasty,I get whiny.Stay away orI might stick you.My sharp words arequills to prick you.

I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my...

If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours.

By the Angel,” Jace said, looking the demon up and down. “I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell.”Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside...

One of Renee’s friends asked her, “Does your boyfriend wear glasses?” She said, “No, he wears a Walkman.

I had a dream about you. Of all the flowers I’ve ever loved, you were the one who looked most like a woman. The others didn’t look like men, unless you count my Uncle Butch,...

There’d been some nights when my fat ass had saved my ass (ba-dum-tsh).

A road that’s narrower than the width of my car’s wheels could only be lover’s lane. Hitchhikers make the best lovers.

When there are 16 ounces of coffee to be shared by two strangers, and only one 8-ounce cup between them, then one man must give up his coffee, and the other must formulate an alibi.

I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown.” Jace said. “Brown?” said Isabelle.”Yes. Brown. It’s a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it.”...

If you were in paris your food might as well glitter.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Okay, guys. Stop it. Are you going to start peeing on me to mark your territory?

Somebody should merge motorcycles and toilets. You know, for the lover in all of us, just waiting to be released.

Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars...

Jason is explaining the ins and outs of being a bird shifter to Merry.She says:”Sheesh. Okay, I think I only have one more question.””Shoot. No, don’t shoot, but ask away.””If someday I get pregnant, will...

Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He’s heading back to the hideout now. And I’ve been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of...

Humor is reason gone mad.

As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand.”This makes me feel like a five-year-old,” I said, licking it off.”If I ordered a sandwich at this place, do you think they’d cut the crusts...

I made a t-shirt that says, “Today’s my birthday” on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point to the text on my tee as the reason why they should oblige....

Ignoring plus ignorance equals ignoringance—knowing a problem exists, but doing nothing to fix it.

Boys are found everywhere- on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerated them, adults ignore them...

When we’re telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.

You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night.

It’d be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it’s totally obvious to everyone that I did it.

I could see that she was eager to please and impress me, and I was excited to see someone so excited to try to excite me. In all the excitement I forgot where I was,...

I cry when I think of all the tissues I’ve used over the years and all the trees I’ve killed. The more tears I cry, the more trees I kill, which causes me to cry...

I don’t have enough gross words in my gross vocabulary to describe how gross that gross thought is. Gross.

Frowning, she looked up. “You can’t want to ravish me every time we meet.”Oh, yes, he could. Demon gritted his teeth…

His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?

Don’t threaten me with a good time.

75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive.

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle’s on a poodle and the poodle’s eating noodles……they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.

May you and your triple cursed wash water turn purple with orange spots and fall down a bottomless pit!

He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain.

I have a theory that sometimes people think they need to talk as much as possible, almost as if talking more equates to knowing more.

I was half asleep when I first saw her. She thought I was being flirty and winking at her. One eye open, one eye shut, that’s the best way to see love.

Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me…

Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely.

Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?” He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire his backside. Callipygian. There is something better than Notre-Dame.

Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.