I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a...

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

My boyfriend likes to fuck my brains out on our kitchen island. Which tile would you recommend for that?

I had a dream about you. Flowers were overflowing in the cemetery, so we decided to have a picnic there. You brought apple pie, and I brought my Aunt Mildred, who’d been dead for some...

I have no desire to spend every night of the next few months at balls and soirees or drowning in tea with morning callers.

I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Karl Marx: “Religion is the opiate of the masses.”Carrie Fisher: “I did masses of opiates religiously.

I had a dream about you. I had a boomerang and you had a Frisbee. You asked if I wanted to play catch, and I said yes. Then you stood around waiting for me to...

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was “Stop!” Thinking back, I don’t know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to...

I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I was reading.You’re always reading. The only way people can ever talk to you is to interrupt. Then maybe they shouldn’t talk to me.

I had a dream about you. I should have waited until you were finished eating to tell you I love you, because you vomited all over my tablecloth. But that’s OK, because it was multi-colored...

The Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America’s intelligence gap.

My grandpa looks good in booty shorts. It’s too damn bad he’s dead and can’t twerk it for the small crowd that’s gathered in the cemetery.

This world, I am afraid, is designed for crashing bores.

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.

Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?””It depends on whether or not I get an answer.

This book is impossible to put down!” Well, apparently it’s also impossible to pick up.

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.

Being a pumpkinhead is great.””Your HEAD is PUMPKIN.

A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote for the brick on the left, or, The brick on the right is...

He gives me the hairy eyeball, and asks me to help him find his pancreas.

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

He’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.

The other night my grandpa stopped breathing. I thought he was trying to set a world record for holding his breath, but after ten minutes of me cheering him on, he had to be boring...

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams Week” Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month “leave” I wonder if he will be “Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero

Have a smile on your face for everyone you meet, and a plan to kill them.

It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and I’m just now putting on clothes. The life of a writer is as free as the pizza I just had delivered is not.

Birds don’t sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.

I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In this way, billions would die so that billions could live.

I told them he’d be able to get you to go out.” Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. “Look at him.””He’s right here, Ri,” Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an...

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

On Wednesday, when the sky is blue,and I have nothing else to do,I sometimes wonder if it’s true That who is what and what is who.” – Winnie-the-Pooh

Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?

I’m not even going to be able to attend the burial. Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them.

Wrong Way,” and I thought, I agree. So I turned around and went home.

Without hesitation but with a sense of entitlement, he lifted my hand to his lips. He was gentlemen-like in every way… I don’t know why I wondered if it was an act or for real.

I keep a human brain in my pocket, because you never know when you’ll never know.

*marissa tries to get her single, working mother’s attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*’You’re a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.

I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.

An older, inebriated Scot who looked like he’d been sitting on his barstool all day looked me up and down, then smelled the air. “Heh, neebr, goat a deid an’mal in yer bac’pac, or iz...

A preacher’s job is preaching. So how come he gets to work on the day of rest?