If Patti Lupone was born to play Evita then Madonna was born to play Patti Lupone playing Evita.

There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.

We made love like two tuna fish flying to Mars to eat blue pickles. Then I woke up and went back to work, fishing for aquamarine vinegarized cucumbers found in aquatic conditions.

Alexander Hamilton Junior High School– SEMESTER REPORT — STUDENT: Joseph MargolisTEACHER: Janet HicksENGLISH: A, ARITHMETIC: A, SOCIAL STUDIES: A, SCIENCE: A, NEATNESS: A, PUNCTUALITY: A, PARTICIPATION: A, OBEDIENCE: DTeacher’s Comments:Joseph remains a challenging student. While...

Music has the power to shake society, especially if the bass is turned way up.

If looks could kill…well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.”See Dick,” Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. “Jane. Dick...

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

The roof was torn off the gym. God’s way of telling the jocks that they’d better remember who’s really charge.

Bella, I am sorry about that, she caught me in a moment of weakness and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. What was I supposed to do? I am a guy after all.

Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

I had a dream I was in a dream and then that dream told me I was in someone else’s sock drawer.

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I’m not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it’s aged Jell-O. And it doesn’t need...

God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer’s other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.

marathon: (noun)A popular form of overpriced torture wherein participants wake up at ass-o-clock in the morning and stand in the freezing cold until it’s time to run, at which point they miserably trot for a...

An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome, but I did sleep with six prosthetic legs (I have a bad back).

Mythologically speaking, if there’s anything I hate worse than trios of old ladies, it’s bulls. Last summer, I fought the Minotaur on top of Half-Blood Hill. This time what I saw up there was even...

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.

If knowledge is but sorrow’s spy, it proves a double agent by and by.

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

Love is so stressful. I just want to wear a toga and be a shepherd. If I looked more like Jesus, I’ll bet I’d get more followers on Twitter.

You want to know a secret?””Always.””My real name is Dave.””I see.””This doesn’t seem to amuse you.””I met Jeremy the troll a few nights ago.””Seriously?””Seriously. Also known as the Mighty Raaaarrggh! Although…I can sorta see why...

Turn a pot into a hat in one easy step: put it on your head. I make love with the same sort of culinary innovation.

The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez...

Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.

As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can’t drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against ’em anyway, you don’t belong in office.

You look tired,” Rachel told Jason.”I wish I could jog and sleep at the same time.””Can’t you?” Ferrin asked, joining them at the little cascade. “I always imagined that you could sleep rolling down a...

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

That is kind of you, my lord. But I will never dance with you.”Which, of course, made it the goal of Leo’s life.

I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy.

Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let’s unleash her rage. Great idea.

I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in the street?

she had graduated from the Beaux Arts in Caen. She worked entirely on her body, she explained to me; I looked at her anxiously as she opened her portfolio. I was hoping she wasn’t going...

When I see Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity baying across the television screen, I find it hard to take them seriously. I assume that they must be saying what they do primarily to boost book...

whispering wind.” But what are these secrets of the breeze? I don’t know, but I don’t want a gossip to stand downwind of me.

Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES’ LIVES?!Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do–BUT...

Boy, the DMV has got to be the strangest dating agency. But I suppose love is worth the wait. If I don’t meet a woman here, there’s this new club called The Morgue I want...

There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed...

Poor Amy. I could tell she was suffering. Poor Thing. Life was so tough for the rich, beautiful and magical.

I’m fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don’t really care.

I’ve been to the Big House. Not prison, but the Biltmore Estate.

Yuki: “What can I learn from a stupid cat like you? You didn’t even know that Jason isn’t really a bear. He’s a character in a horror film.”Kyo: “Yeah? So what if I didn’t? Like...

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Así es. ,Sabes?, Bianca di Angelo no es la única que tiene un hermano irritante. Ya va siendo hora de que conozcas a mi muy irresponsable gemelo. Apolo. – Artemisa.

I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but , of a mating ritual.

Alan: Conning people out of their savings. Forgery. Blackmail. Selling real estate on Mars. We could have it all. You with me, Bambi?”Sin: “Clive, I was with you from ‘I’m a social worker.

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren’t we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?’ he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. ‘A...