Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.

Statuettes of drunken sailors, velvet pictures of island maidens, plastic seashell lamps made in Taiwan. What contempt the people who think up souvenirs have for other people.

I’ve noticed that when people are joking they’re usually dead serious, and when they’re serious, they’re usually pretty funny.

I had liked him for all the wrong reasons.

We all wear uniforms, even if we’re conforming to unconformity. People who try so hard to look different end up looking the same as all the other people who try so hard to look different.

Love is the best feeling in the universe. Actually, that’s not true. But only because I haven’t been very many places in the universe.

I’l say it then and forever.

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has...

I’m not sexually active. I just sort of lay there and slowly thrust.

A brick and a blanket are the perfect symbols for the superhero Captain Dense.

Robert Ingersoll’s character was as nearly perfect as it is possible for the character of mortal man to be… none sweeter or nobler had ever blessed the world. The example of his life was of...

I unwind with wine—or a few counter clockwise turns.

Other candidates may say they have 10 years of real-world experience, but I say, What, did they work nonstop with no sleep for a decade? If that’s the case, then I am an expert sleeper...

Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t suffer from an out-of-body experience—but I myself don’t remember. I remember being there, but not where there was, or being...

I didn’t want to do it,’ Kiala said. ‘The universe just kind of conspired to force me to make a fool of myself. It does that quite a lot, actually.

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.

Now then,” he mused, “how does one fly a dragon?

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find...

The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.

It’s good if you think bad thoughts, because at least you’re thinking. That’s more than most people do.

I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination.

It unscrews the other way.

Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good.

What’s the biggest problem facing teenagers today? Ourselves. We’re a generation of lazy underachievers who need to learn that hard work pays off. What’s your town known for? Cow manure! Hold for laughs… Actually Irondale...

Well don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Despite your delusions to the contrary, swingers, by and large, are a civilized lot. We come in all ages, shapes, sizes, nationalities, and ethnicities. We have differing beliefs, varying opinions, IQs, and senses of humor....

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.

As soon as they grow that genitalia, intelligence goes right out the window and we’re left with this thing that just wants to stick it in any hole.

…there was practically one handwriting common to the whole school when it came to writing lines. It resembled the movements of a fly that had fallen into an ink-pot, and subsequently taken a little brisk...

In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness.

I don’t just want to be the best in my field, I also want to be the greenest.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.

Much of the Kama Sutra is like origami; I don’t quite understand all the bending that needs to happen.

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It’s death porn for the masses.

I didn’t know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.

I prefer to let my voice do all the talking for me.

A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to give it out to the masses and say soothing things with a straight...

I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true.

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.

A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was...

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn’t as cynical as real life.

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty.

Were the stars against him? A woman’s fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.

People as a rule do mean much more than they understand.