There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

Which way did they go, Peeves?” Filch was saying. “Quick, tell me.” “Say ‘please.'” “Don’t mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?” “Shan’t say nothing if you don’t say please,” said Peeves in...

He has the memory of a convict, the balls of a fireman, and the eyesight of a housebreaker. When there is crime to fight, Landsman tears around Sitka like a man with his pant leg...

Music has the power to shake society, especially if the bass is turned way up.

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. ‘Nuh-uh. Mine.”Share!’ she demanded.’Man, you are one...

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened....

The roof was torn off the gym. God’s way of telling the jocks that they’d better remember who’s really charge.

I called his broken promise heartbreaking, and he called it growing up. Oh, that’s mature—blame it on maturity.

That’s my nickname,” he said.

You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?

I had a dream I was in a dream and then that dream told me I was in someone else’s sock drawer.

Courage is just dreams with shoes on.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer’s other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my...

but you, unlike me, are a git.

Do I look like I want to be eaten alive after sex?

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.

Sometimes we can focus so much on nothing that we make it a big something of nothing

One thing led to another. That was the only way to explain how Arnold Brinkman, who considered both professional sports and young children unjustifiable, had ended up at Yankee Stadium with a nine-year-old boy.

Love is so stressful. I just want to wear a toga and be a shepherd. If I looked more like Jesus, I’ll bet I’d get more followers on Twitter.

I had a dream about you. I watched you grow up, and though I enjoyed the whole process, it did get pretty uncomfortable sitting in the tree holding those binoculars all those years.

Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know.

I knew you had it in you, kitty.”(Venom & Sorrow)

Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.

If only Myrtle would pay attention to the Boy’s Own Journal, Blackwood’s Magazine, etc., she would know that these creatures were Threls, who come from a worldlet called Threlfall on the far side of the...

He reached up t0 grab one and came down with several, and they kept coming, washing over him, floating all around him. Never have tampon strings seemed so beautiful as they rolled up and down...

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.

It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.Opal...

No. No more surprises. No more secrets. Or so help me, I will rip off your own leg and beat you with it.

I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in the street?

They don’t know you’re secretly a badass?

This squirrel is inadequately afraid of humans! Squirrel, I am a threat to you! We are enemies! Please get off my bench! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don’t touch me—oh, god!

whispering wind.” But what are these secrets of the breeze? I don’t know, but I don’t want a gossip to stand downwind of me.

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance – a sharp, vindictive glance.

Inside the mirrored elevator, Mulch used a telescopic pointer to push P for the penthouse. For the first few months he had jumped to reach the button, but that was undignified behavior for a millionaire....

Do we secretly idolize our imagined opposites, yearning to become the role models for others we know we could never be for ourselves?

Poor Amy. I could tell she was suffering. Poor Thing. Life was so tough for the rich, beautiful and magical.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve got in your pants if there is nothing in your brain to connect it to.

Harris, as he occasionally explains to George and to myself, has daughters of his own, or, to speak more correctly, a daughter, who as the years progress will no doubt cease practising catherine wheels in...

I’ve been to the Big House. Not prison, but the Biltmore Estate.

You can’t even begin to fathom the amount of fucks I do not give about what you want.

If someone said ‘diametrically,’ could ‘opposed’ be far behind?

I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but , of a mating ritual.

That definitely wouldn’t help your getting over me.

Well, really, how would you like to make love with someone who kept twittering about his pure mystic modality and wanted to stick flowers in your navel?

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren’t we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?’ he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. ‘A...

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.