She placed her make-up bag in front of her, opened it, then ignored the contents. She used it for show and always as a warning to the body that she may one day use it!

We made love like two Inuits make love like two popsicles, and then we went back to our cold lives. That was the best summer of my night.

Life is a beautiful thing. Plant it in the ground, and it blooms into opportunity, capice?

The bristling eyebrows shot up in mock surprise. Mesmerized, the boy watched them disappear under the hanging thatch of white hair. There, almost coyly, they remained just out of sight for a moment, before suddenly...

I don’t know how many of you have ever met Dijkstra, but you probably know that arrogance in computer science is measured in nano-Dijkstras.

Our love was soggy, like the biscuits I forgot to take out of the bathtub.

I don’t want to hurt anyone” Laszlo fiddled with a button on his tux jacket. “Can’t we convince the CIA that some of us are peaceful?” “we’ll have to try” Angus folded his arms across...

Two guys, a goat, and a ghost: A love story based on true events that may or may not be false. Who doesn’t love a good goat story?

It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before,...

I’m man enough to know when to scream.

Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

I always start peeing when I’m only halfway to the litter box. This eagerness to finish is what probably makes me such a great lover.

That demon will trick you faster than a politician with a liquor license.

Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the...

The worst part about clones is you could be both innocent and guilty at the same time. I didn’t do it—but I did, in the form of my clone.

don’t try to hate me or even judging my attitude anyway you are gonna fall in love.

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn’t get mad at a golden retriever.

I’d lick the water out of your bathtub, just to prove I love you—and that I’m not a cat.

There is nothing that I so greatly admire as purposefulness. I have an enormous respect for people who know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. Such people are compact and integrated....

The truth about life is complicated, indefensible and embarrassing.

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn’t devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More...

I’d rather be me being me than me trying to be my own clone. I try to stay true to who I am as a person, not a genetically modified being.

I’m like a sexually active bumper sticker. Canned vagina is always so hard to open and eat. Honk if you’re a lover—and in a hurry.

Act like you’re in pain.” Then she mimics a painful expression in case Summer doesn’t understand. On the contrary, Summer’s an expert at interpreting body language and reading lips. It’s all thanks to her observant...

This book is written with an open mind and it should be read with the same

When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.

Sorry,ʺ she said, her face shining with joy when she saw me. ʺShould have put a sock on the door. Didnʹt realize things were getting hot and heavy.ʺʺNo avoiding it,ʺ I said lightly, clasping Dimitriʹs...

I’m sorry to hear you’re jobless.” I need to network with people who encounter letters on a daily basis in math equations, not romantic poetry.

I will protect you,” she promised the Bosendorfer inside. “I won’t let you down.”Sophie gave her a quizzical look.”Bastards better not hurt my piano,” Miranda replied.”That’s what you’re worried about right now? What about your...

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.).

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

Her name is Angela, though she’s no angel. Dad, I can’t believe she replenishes us.

Vanity might be a “sin” according to some lights, but he thought in measured doses it was one of life’s allowable simple pleasures. It helped everyone get through their days.

What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.

There was so much testosterone in the air, I felt like I needed a gas mask.

My side felt a lot better when Nora called me at noon the next day. “My nice policeman wants to see you,” she said. “How do you feel?””Terrible. I must’ve gone to bed sober.” I...

A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

You’re doing it again and it really annoys me. In fact, I will have to kill you now because I have a lot of untamed energy because of the Sex God. I’m going to have...

Poirot,” I said. “I have been thinking.””An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

My printer printed off blank pages. Is my printer out of ink, or do I just have nothing to say?

That creature’s staying?’ It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov)

If I look like I haven’t slept for eight hours, it’s because I haven’t. Oh, I wasn’t up all night. I slept 7:45 hours.