A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.

Should I be writing this down?

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

And gag you,” Joseph cheerfully reminded them.

The man who has pajamas knitted to match those of his cat, must be a superior lover.” My grandpa died a virgin.

A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training, to provide resistance and increase strength and endurance. Those very same ropes could be used to tie me...

How do you kill something that’s already dead?Nobody knows enough about them. Ask Jason. He’ll have an opinion.Wait a moment. Rachel could see Corinne talking to Jason, but they were too far ahead to hear....

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

I’m sorry to hear that.

Fool! Nothing but black ink runs through my veins!

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

Más de una y menos de cien..Creo-se estaba riendo. Le hice un gesto reprobatorio-.Ahora caigo quieres saber porque crees que soy buen amante,-Medio.-Fabuloso-Pichí, pachá.-Portentoso.-Buah.-Un dios del sexo.-Ya quisieras.-Hasta ahora no he tenido queja alguna.- Es...

f”?

His loyalty has the consistency of a booger—sticky for a while, but easily flicked off. I’d probably love Prague in the spring.

Dragons didn’t fool around when it came to protecting things that they acquired—be it gold, gems, or a monster’s body parts.

I’m offering you love on a stick. If you’d like, you can grab it to go. It’s like a popsicle, only it won’t melt if you put it through hell like you did with you...

I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.

Rich in Happiness is about choosing new perspectives, new habits, and a new emotional future.

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Seriously, what would you prefer? To stand out from everyone else, or disappear in the crowd? Because I call the latter ‘sheep.

What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

Never knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. – T-shirt

I’m not playing Buffy the goddamn Vampire Slayer with you.

To modernize their sleeping habits, [Peter the Great] declared, ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the court caught sleeping with their boots on will be instantly decapitated.

Man is conceived in sin and born in corruption and he passeth from the stink of the didie to the stench of the shroud. There is always something(All The King’s Men)

Words are your friends. And lovers. They feel good in your mouth.

Sticking a straw up your butt won’t get rid of the constipation.

You called me at four thirty-four….I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.

I never scoff at coffins, because they’re like coffee cups you can bathe in. Well, coffins are like Starbucks’ coffee cups, only they have more life inside.

I was lucky to live in the 20th century, when gefilte fish could be purchased in a jar.

I had received a t-shirt from my best friend Veronica at my police academy graduation. It reads, ‘Throw your donut in the opposite direction and the cops won’t get you.’ I love wearing that t-shirt.

Today I’m feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don’t know what that means for my future, or as a word.

A generous donor (who had no doubt lived a life that imperiled his mortal soul) had granted [the Sisters] more than one hundred waterfront acres.

My love is colorful, like a rainbow that’s only shades of blue. Monochromatic for monoamor.

My writing looks like it’s ten steps behind my mind, and racing to always catch up.

Toys have taken over my family room. I watch Mary Poppins, and no matter how many spoonfuls of sugar I eat, action figures won’t march into a bin with the snap of my fingers.

Lead your life so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often...

I couldn’t exactly blame Jane Austen for being a romantic. What the hell else was there to do back then for fun?

I sort of got off on making bad guys sweat. Which was not unlike my love of making good guys sweat, just by very different means.

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

When an answer finally comes to me, I know I’ve completely lost all my wits – or as my mama used to tell my father, I have a few screws loose.

The more passionate and argumentative I get the more followers and friends I make online.

Last week my boss told me to rewrite a twenty-page proposal on engagement benchmarking. I turned it in and he wrote a note on the cover that just said, “No, no. Not this.” I had...

Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?” Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.”Huh? No. I mean, I don’t know,” Claire said.”Then why are you all up in...

You’ll know I’ve gone into ninja mode because I’ll have turned out the light. I make love like an assassin, and if you hear me snoring, I’m only pretending to be asleep! All love is...

In a blind taste test, nine out of ten Helen Kellers preferred Blue Ribbon Coffee to Starbucks. The tenth Helen Keller, well, she claimed she didn’t hear the question.

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten