When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Ironic, isn’t it?

18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions....

What are you about?” said the vehicle as a panel popped open to reveal delicate components. “I am not accustomed to such usage.”The little man said nothing, but began to rearrange connections and sever some...

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

She lifted me back into the seat with a wicked grin, and breathed, ‘Just don’t stop talking. Whatever you do, just don’t stop talking,’ and swallowed my manhood. I scrambled desperately through the darkened corners...

I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve....

Then again, if your right hand did know what your left hand was doing, wouldn’t that be kind of creepy?

Disco’s are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don’t.

What life is to humor, humor is to life.

I keep my socks in a filing cabinet, if that tells you what kind of lover I am.

I’m not scared of death, I just don’t want to seek it out.

Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.

I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil.And that no one knows the truth.

it’s as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it’s impossible not to lead a spiritual life…the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief...

It’s much like piracy. You tell your enemies that if they don’t fall in line, you’ll leave them to die.

I remind you that I have no faith. If I sought God, I find myself.

I didn’t read the book. I burned it after the first sentence.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

Baby, you’re so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.

This is the day the Lord has made, suck it up and rejoice.

Sustained thinking is very difficult for them.

Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.

Nothing is so common as the desire to be remarkable.

Love is the gap between the blackness and the emptiness. Of course, there are also times when love isn’t so cheery and gets really dark and lonely.

I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.

Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity!

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus...

It’s not like there’s a law against flying.””Yes there is. The law of gravity.

The world is my canvas, and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too, though my art has more vision. Barely.

The woman gestured to a seat and put on a patient face. An impatient sort of patient face, like an impatient face dressing up as a patient one for Halloween.

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that ‘the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is...

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

Nick spoke for the first time. “Can I go to the nurse’s office too?” Ms. Popplewell looked at him It obviously took her only one look to decide. “No.””I’m traumatized too,” Nick claimed, his voice...

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist’s career.

It’s because his wife left him. That’s why he’s acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to...

As an artist, I’m aspiring for a Triple George—being compared to George Orwell, George Carlin, and Curious George.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

OCD, ADHD—pretty sure if they come up with some new acronym tomorrow I’d have it.

Back in the days when gladiators hacked away at each other, there was always the man who decided whether the defeated should live or die. The job is usually given to the Emperor in movies,...

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

Cuddling was for great aunts and teddy bears. Cuddling gave him cramp.

Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something

I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.

throws of love ballets and magic moments wished for”. However, I wondered if he ever watched National Lampoon’s Vacation. Chevy Chase had purpose, a plan, intent and found Wally World closed. I kind of don’t...

If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the gift of life—your own. Yes, you’d get to keep it!

You know what I like most about people? Pets.