Madonna’s- Justify My Love, follows us into the lounge, where several men, seated at the tables, eye us like hungry lions as we walk through. Tiger asked, “So, this is a WHOREhouse?””Actually, a gay BATHhouse....

Wisdom of the Ages: “Soylent Green” No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin’ for a Big Mac.

A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second!

Where’s the fun in playing with knives if you can’t draw a little blood?

My motto for fashion: If you can’t afford to make an elegant statement, make a ridiculous one.

The real F-word is ‘future.

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

Lena scowled at the empty space in her living room. “Oh sure, thanks, I had fun too.” She’d stayed awake, spilled a cup of perfectly good tea, and for what? A spirit with the noncorporeal...

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

Great. There goes our security deposit.”~ Sean

Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you’ve never noticed, the dead are always on time.

TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!

Well, if that’s true, I wasted a hell of a lot of money on panty hose and lipstick.” Jettie snorted.

I got some body work done. Both to my car, and to my clone. Now my car looks like a complete stranger, and I look like a Mercedes.

So where did you get your information? Werewolves for Dummies? No, wait, you watched Underworld? Or maybe you were raised by wolves? Stop mewhen I’m warm.” – Shella

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit.

And no bacon,” Freya added.

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn’t there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That’s why imaginary things are often...

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

Maar als je genoeg kikkers kust, kom je vanzelf wel een prins tegen.

Stab me if you can enjoy it – but not if it feels like a duty. Stab me vertically if I’m lying down and horizontally if I’m running

A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training, to provide resistance and increase strength and endurance. Those very same ropes could be used to tie me...

People are so cheap. Everyone wants quality, no one wants to pay for it. Here’s the suburban dream– to hire great workers who are such meek morons that they don’t have the guts to ask...

A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so long as people can tell it’s a snake.

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

The Libertarian Party convention wasn’t much better. You will never find a more stammering, awkward, inarticulate group of people than libertarians. I still remember the convention the previous year, entitled ‘Women of Liberty.’ All of...

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

Preferably with my car.

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

His loyalty has the consistency of a booger—sticky for a while, but easily flicked off. I’d probably love Prague in the spring.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, it ain’t stupid.

It is the east, and Juliet is a jerk!

I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.

I kept trying to explain and he kept shouting until I began to cry from frustration. Then he felt remorseful, which was so unlike him and endearing that I almost changed my mind and said...

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

Seriously, what would you prefer? To stand out from everyone else, or disappear in the crowd? Because I call the latter ‘sheep.

I had a feeling that Harvey wore his shotgun around the house like a pair of holey underwear.

You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.

There is never another one of you in exactly the same spot you are in right now, so give yourself a break and release blame from the past so you can be free to move...

I’m not playing Buffy the goddamn Vampire Slayer with you.

Lucy: I don’t feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.James: And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.Lucy: My head-hair volume is fine.James: You say that like I should be concerned about...