That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He...

I wrote you a love letter. I used invisible ink to show I was being transparent with my feelings. And also to hide my feelings.

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.

If you had to sacrifice three people to save six people, would you do it? I would—if the three were politicians and the six were teachers, inventors, artists, or anybody but lawyers, lobbyists, or central...

Geez, you guys. I know I’m popular and all, but seriously, you’re a bit too co-dependent for me. I’m going to need you to step away from my personal bubble.” A wispy vine-woman curled ivy...

You there is such a thing as a door,” I whispered. “You should try it some time.

And that’s what I don’t like about magic, Captain. ‘cos it’s *magic*. You can’t ask questions, it’s magic. It doesn’t explain anything, it’s magic. You don’t know where it comes from, it’s magic! That’s what...

There is no pathos more bitter than that of parting from someone we have never met.

I’m for a big government. A big government contraction.

When a teacher is paying extra attention to your child, you believe that it’s because you raised such an exceptional kid, one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of her booger-eating friends.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

No I’m not.

but only if you wave them about on the floor with a scrubbing brush.

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.

I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

In order to grow, I promise you’ll have to let go of some habits. 10 times out of 10, they’ll be the habits you’re most in love with.

I first knew I was a woman when my mother and father took me out to dinner to celebrate my success on the debate team.” It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they...

Girls do go for the finely-chiselled. And apart from his looks, he’s and artist, and there’s something about artists that seems to act on the other sex like catnip on cats.

But that was what research and development were like. Full of semi-triumphs and perplexing unforeseen consequences like the whole violent hiccuping thing when conjuring up fire – or the propensity for fillings to fall out...

I had a dream about you. I was a chef and you were a buffet. The people were starving, children were dying of malnutrition, and all the politicians tried feeding them rhetoric. I suggested we...

Who knows what goes on in the mind of a cat?

Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep...

Mission motto, sir,” said Carrot cheerfully. “Morituri Nolumus Mori. Rincewind suggested it.””I imagine he did,” said Lord Vetinari, observing the wizard coldly. “And would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?””Er…” Rincewind...

Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and...

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

world is hell!make it heaven if you have pure strength.

Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where’s your coffee? You’ve got coffee, haven’t you? C’mon, everyone’s got coffee! Spill the beans!

You are the strangest girl I’ve ever met,” he said, like he thought I was joking. He picked up his water bottle and gave me a sideways glance. “Have you ever kissed anybody?” he asked,...

Needy people are like newborns, I have come to realize. One intoxicated night and BAM! You are stuck with this problem. You finally take it home and it wants to keep you up all night...

Nothing’s a better cure for writer’s block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.

Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.

My ship came in,then it sank!

But not for long,” said Nanny wistfully.

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.

It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of...

I collect information. But not just any information, I collect misinformation. I am the museum of misinformation. I’m also the artist and curator. And Docent.

Magic is the only honest profession. A magician promises to deceive you and he does.

I guess it’s true what they say,” observed Jace. “There are no straight men in the trenches.””That’s atheists, jackass,” said Simon furiously. “There are no atheists in the trenches.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s...

Smartass Disciple: Master, what do say about the truth itself ?Master of Stupidity: Like sex, no fun anymore if all is revealed.

We piled aboard the small chopper and after a bit of map pointing to the pilot we lifted off. “I love the RAF,” said Jed.”I love them too, sir,” said I. After a short flight...

Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell in love, when I saw how serious it all was.

Curran looked back at me. “Why is it you always attract creeps?””You tell me.” Ha! Walked right into that one, yes, he did.

When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an...

Take off your shirt.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I’m not going to attack you,” she said impatiently. “I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.””Are you sure?” he asked, obediently sliding the shirt...