Have you ever noticed that idiots have a lot of friends? It’s just an observation.

I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.

You make all the fashion statements just by dressing up your mind.

With my grandma, every Sunday after church.

You ought to eat something.” (Simon)”Look who’s talking.” (Jace)”I’m out of blood right now,” (Simon)”Unless you’re offering.” (Simon)”No, thanks. We’ve been down that road before, and I think we’re better off asjust friends.” (Jace)

The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.

That’s your mom, right?” Pathik smiled. “She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.

You fuck – you ate my cat!

People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s all in the gloves.

For example, they recently had a piece on a character–I think his name was Ambrosio D’Urbervilles–whose “design statement” was to stuff an entire apartment from floor to ceiling with dark purple cottonballs. He called it...

An optimist is a man who plant two acorns and buy a hammock.

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.

I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

It felt like he’d been dragged through the nine circles of hell — by his testicles.

It must be horny douchebag day,” she mumbled under her breath as she slid the bag’s strap up on her shoulder.

Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.

My nail is a bit rusty.

I like pancakes.

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

To the champ, everything is serious business. I’m hoping that he’ll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude.

You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they...

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.

You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.

Beth We Steve I know you can Dave. I’m a lover, not a We’re Closed Until Further Notice kind of mannequin. Your donkey is my motorcycle of desire.

Laurel, David? Would you like to share the joke with the rest of the class?” he asked, one hand on his skinny hip.”No, sir,” David said. “But thank you for asking.” The students around them...

Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.

I remember the very day, sometime during the first two weeks of my five-year amorous sojourn in Brutland, when I was made privy to one of the most arcane of their utterings. The time was...

Jenna slipped in wearing an outfit that I can only describe as Hello Kitty Goes Goth.

If I hear any more loud voices, you will both be auctioned off on eBay. I could use the extra money.

See? This is why I’m not religious. I couldn’t possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.

Nobody got me out,” Nellie replied. “They just let me go. They think I’m a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel’s full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony....

I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword.”She raised an eyebrow.”Sharp as hell,” Lightsong said, “but lacking a point.

Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

I know that look.” I put one arm out in from of me. He didn’t stop. “Chris, we have to get going.” I backed up, scooting over to put the couch between us.”What?” He feigned...

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I’m never sure who’s going to kill me first.

My neck size is about the size of both of my girlfriend’s clenched hands. They say strangulation is a crime of passion, and I say it’s the sign of romance in a relationship.

The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it...

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a bit premature. But don’t worry; just give our relationship a minute—plus fourteen more.

If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.

What is with these guys? Where’s the thrill in watching snakes eat?I certainly didn’t thrill in watching humans eat.

Before you criticize my cardboard-free virtual product, I want you to know you’ve saved a dollar! Check the back of the box for details.

Sometimes the most remarkable things seem commonplace. I mean when you think about it jet travel is pretty freaking remarkable. You get in a plane it defies the gravity of a entire planet by exploiting...

Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.

I want that little blonde bitch in the lobby to hear me screaming your name.

Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.

I didn’t want to go to hell, but even the idea of reclaining my halo scared me because it would mean leaving Aly.

Clearly, you underestimate my relationship with wine and what I do on the weekends when I’m by myself reading.