Oh, and by the way … there’s no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. Also bullshit. Sorry, kid Deal with it.

It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of...

I bet you see a branding iron too,” Jules snickered. Lynn’s thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks.

The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard’s bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least erotic display of banana-eating he had ever seen.

I guess it’s true what they say,” observed Jace. “There are no straight men in the trenches.””That’s atheists, jackass,” said Simon furiously. “There are no atheists in the trenches.

Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep.

Jealousy is not a result of love. It is a result of crossed relationship boundaries. Love and relationships should not be confused.

Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell in love, when I saw how serious it all was.

If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.

•They’re like chickens who get out of the henhouse, and they’re so proud of themselves, and so puffed up from being able to eat all the worms and beetles and caterpillars they want, that they...

Take off your shirt.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I’m not going to attack you,” she said impatiently. “I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.””Are you sure?” he asked, obediently sliding the shirt...

Everything stinks till it’s finished.

I wanted to get you flowers but none of the flower shops are open at this hour. I checked six all-night variety stores before finding any at all and this was the best of the-“”They’re...

Like take you home and fuck you up, down, and sideways,” heanswered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Audrey Hepburn, as famous as she was, packed her own suitcases… I don’t know why that struck me, but it did. ‘She has a servant’s heart,’ I thought.

Now why do I feel like Little Red Riding Hood?” Daisy asked.Trav flashed a toothy smile and lunged for her neck. She squealed and squirmed, but he held on and chomped gently down her neck.She...

Just because I like to suck cock doesn’t make me any less American than Jesse Helms.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

Have a pleasant evening with your cows.”Cows?She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting....

In that day, we didn’t have no remote controls and vacuum cleaners. If you wanted all that stuff you had children!

I know writers who use subtext, and they’re all cowards.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Do you think I’d risk my job for a quick tumble in the sheets with him?

Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

She’ll be back,” Ranger said. “But not tonight.”[Stephanie] “How’d you get her to leave?””Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well...

Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.

We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s liberating. But we...

when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your nose.

When I was still quite young I had a complete presentiment of life. It was like the nauseating smell of cooking escaping from a ventilator: you don’t have to have eaten it to know that...

How do I define history? It’s just one fucking thing after another” – Rudge

I yell at yellow like I purr at pink. If they were more fluid, I’d pour meows in my morning coffee.

A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone...

The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them....

I conceal myself behind cynicism because it’s safe. Camouflage is more protective than body armor. Why do you think the Department of Defense contacted me to design a gun that shoots insults?

Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have been free at the store next to mine.

Kaien Cross: You both entered the room in the same pose! Ooh! If Yuki had seen it, she’d have been so happy! The mystique!Ichiru: Zero, is he always like this?Zero: Yeah…he doesn’t act anything like...

I’m not talking to you.

I visited my old haunt, but somehow without all my old friends there with me, the cemetery just wasn’t the same.

Anger can be quite rewarding…at least for those of us who have the option of blasting our enemies to oblivion.

I couldn’t believe I’d come this far, lost Tyson, suffered through so much, only to fail – stopped by a big stupid monster in a baby-blue tuxedo kilt. Nobody was going to swat down my...

If you plug in a number and the math starts getting creepy (anything involving fractions or negative numbers is creepy)…

It is with great sadness that I blow my nose.

Never go shopping for kiwis in a shoe store.

FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.

If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on a pizza and make much ado about nothing, everything, anything, something.

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every...

And, whoa!” He turned to Mr.D. “Your the wine dude? No way!”Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. “The wine dude?””Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I’ve got your figurine!””My...

Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry.

If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength. And if you won’t carry my love, you carry a heavy burden.