But before any of the small appliances who may be listening to this tale should begin to think that they might do the same thing, let them be warned: ELECTRICITY IS VERY DANGEROUS. Never play...

Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen.

New rules. If you are smart enough to live, you won’t hit Charles’s mate in front of his father.

After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at all. It’s as if I’ve temporarily lost my skill for laying still and...

I’m 50% in love. To put that into a visual, I am a 3’ tall midget aspiring to be a 6’ tall man, with the coffee capacity of a narcoleptic camel.

One will abide, and will confess that another is nobler than he, that another is richer, more handsome, and even that he is more learned, but that another is richer in reason scarcely any will...

If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. … Choose science.

DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

In the future, man will travel on flying carpets, and shoes that float on water. And we’ll all make love together, as one, as one might masturbate today.

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.

Love is seeing her smile as if it’s a sunrise. It’s beautiful, but geez, I wish she’d quit grinning at me while I’m trying to sleep.

I use my windshield wipers when it’s not raining. I’m an umbrellaless pedestrian, and I can’t tell the difference between Starbucks’ coffee and a mud puddle in a cup.

I didn’t dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a...

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

A great nose may be an indexOf a great soul

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.

I’m listening.

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

Normal….What the majority of people look, act, and talk and like.So what if the majority became what we see as wierd now?Would our normal, become our new wierd?

You better hope she doesn’t say a word,” Gabe warned, lifting a finger to Uri’s nose.Uri grabbed the finger laughing, “What are you going to do, cupcake? Seduce me to death, in all your sexy...

I have a plot, but not much happens.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of the first date. Especially if you’re dating a vampire.

There are going to be a lot of eyes on this year’s annual Blindfold Convention. People always want to watch what they can’t watch.

We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.

He has a very nice face and style, really,” said Mrs. Kenwigs.”He certainly has,” added Miss Petowker. “There’s something in his appearance quite–dear, dear, what’s the word again?””What word?” inquired Mr. Lillyvick.”Why–dear me, how stupid...

He’s probably somewhere right now eating a Big-N-Tasty. The man has a coffee pot, a microwave, AND a mini refrigerator in his classrooom. If you plan on having a conversation with him, I suggest you...

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything.

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young...

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be...

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

It was nice to hear the voices of little children at play, provided you took care to be far enough away not to hear what they were actually saying.

I love work. Well, I love being a passive spectator, rather than an active participant.

I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.

People can cry when they’re happy or sad. Tears are tasty and drinkable on all occasions.

Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who’s been up too late.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor...

My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.

When it comes to Jews, you have a two-thousand-year memory, but when it comes to us Palestinians, you have a sixty-year amnesia.

I told her I loved her, knowing she’d tell her I loved her and I wouldn’t have to tell her first face to face to see her reaction and feel rejection.

I wore a long white dress shirt and no pants, so it looked like a white dress. I felt like a bride in love. Well, at least until my boss fired me.

We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and...

Obelmäker is eating at his desk, a habit both Baumauer and Pissec find repulsive.

On the Kite, the situation was being ‘workshopped’. This is the means by which people who don’t know anything get together to pool their ignorance.

When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.