I am the Fruit Basket of Love. You should do a painting of how I feel.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

It’s nice to have a station pet. Wish it wasn’t trapped in a hovering prison in the men’s bathroom, but listen: no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for...

So crosses don’t do anything against your kind?” Sean asked.”No,” Arland said. “There is no mystical force repelling us.””Then why?””We’re forbidden to kill a creature in a moment of prayer or invocation of their deity....

Thank God for modern medicine. It was not until 1905 that ergophobia (the morbid fear of returning to work) was first identified and reported in the British Medical Journal. As yet there is no known...

Nobody think about that broken heart… life goes on, broken heart never join together but it tries very hard to get joined again. That;swhy may be it said “Heart is like a mirror, if its...

I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.

The idea of a blind date scares me. But a deaf date would be great.

She smiled again. “Do you like cat?” she said.”Yes,” said Richard. “I quite like cats.”Anaesthesia looked relieved. “Thigh?” she asked, “or breast?

I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.

I had a dream about you. I had superhuman strength, not unlike I possess when I’m awake, and you wanted me to enter and win the World’s Strongest Man competition. I told you my super...

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship

Ignorance is not linear, it’s exponential.

Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.

She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging!

Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don’t have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman.

Theatres are curious places, magician’s trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the fantastic, the tragic, the comic and the absurd are routine occurences on and...

But the aspect of secrets is they leak out. If they didn’t leak, they wouldn’t be interesting.

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than the war.[Apology to the international anti-submarine committee for being absent from several meetings during...

Pleasure to meet you, Prince Larden. The name is Lady Thaddea from House of Wright.” “Yeah, I think I remember you, by the other name. You once kicked my royal ass.””Oh, so you decide we...

I think it would be funny to dye somebody’s pool red and then throw dead fish in it. And before you run out of there, you could leave a stone tablet with these words etched...

Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening...

Barrons: “He got upset it wouldn’t shut up and tore its head off.”Mac: “The child?” I gasped

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter…with alliteration, no less!

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.

Babe,” Ranger said. “You’re looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?”I’m on a sugar withdrawal. I’ve given up desert and it’s all I can think about.” That had been true five...

There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and...

A ball is a great place to dance, or a great thing to dribble. A ball is also a great thing to scratch when it’s itchy and sweaty.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today,...

They say a woman’s loyalty only lasts as long as it takes her to hang up and dial again.

I had a dream about you. My pee was cloudy, and I brought an umbrella to the urinal. You were the Coach of the Men’s Room, and you were giving me advice on how to...

Besides, there’s nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that’s why I’m going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long...

Well,” he said, “I think we’ve found our way in. We just wait until they’re duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don’t have a lot of staying power or they’d have...

If you feel that you can solve others problems, then please, work little more on your own problems and solve them first.

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

What do you think we should do about Sampson?” I asked.”I would have to say…stop him,” Sam said.”How?” I asked her.”Someone who is as powerful and as smart and crazy as he is should do...

I need a victim and no offense Yuki, but your carrot sticks are lacking in controversy.

Last night I read two books back to back. Tonight I’ll probably read both of those books’ front covers.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Many in America, as one social historian wrote, ‘believed implicitly that New York’s social leaders went to bed in full evening dress, brushed their teeth in vintage champagne, married their daughters without exception to shady...

I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.

How could I be sleeping with this particular man…. Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.

It’s because I’m pregnant, Christian.”He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. “If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier.

I’d like to write gibberish in Latin, because if people aren’t going to be able to read it, they might as well not read it in a dead language.

You know what, Michael? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship of loathing.