Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

You can capture me with your beauty, only if you are a brilliant photographer.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs....

I put the anal in analysis. Now don’t you go putting your dick in my work.

Writing a first draft is like groping one’s way into a dark room, or overhearing a faint conversation, or telling a joke whose punchline you’ve forgotten. As someone said, one writes mainly to rewrite, for...

Hale.” Kat sighed. “The headmaster’s car? Really? That’s not to cliched for you?”What can I say?” He shrugged. “I’m an old-fashioned guy. Besides, it’s a classic for a reason.” He leaned against the window. “It’s...

I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.

But here’s the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they’re completely deluding themselves. There’s simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn’t hate them so...

The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

My response landed me in hot water. A dirty dish also landed in hot water. If I weren’t such a raging feminist, maybe I’d buy a dishwater instead of scrubbing them all by hand.

We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.

Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.

You are only limited by your own imagination

My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I’m way too out of shape to see fit.

The brainless serenity of charwomen and janitors working late at night came over us. In a messy world we were at least making our little corner clean.

Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?

To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains.

Jeez, Hazel,” Percy said, “tell your horse to watch his language.”Hazel tried not to laugh. “What did he say?””With the cussing removed? He said he can get us to the top.”Frank looked incredulous. “I thought...

I had a dream about you, you were trying to tell me a pipe had burst but, I did not want to be around you because I thought your feet smelt terrible. When I realized...

Boxing gloves/oven mitts could be used to fight fires. My uppercut can knock you out cold, like melting ice. Sip it slowly.

lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the...

[…] and unfortunately most women did not seem to have the same urges. Or if they did, they wouldn’t admit it. They probably didn’t, anyway. But if they did they wouldn’t admit it.

I hate patience. Slows everything down.

My first words, as I was being born […] I looked up at my mother and said, ‘that’s the last time I’m going up one of those.

no.

I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

Why fly in a space ship when you can just park it in my driveway? I’ll even move my tricycle to the bathtub, to heighten your showering experience. Who says I’m not romantic?

Okay, other than poets.

I took my .38 out and looked to see that there were bullets in all the proper places. I knew there would be, but it did no harm to be careful. And I’d seen Clint...

Amy let him lead her to the dance area. She gasped when he immediately tugged her body against his. Clearly Erik had not learned the dance rules taught at St. Francis High School. He didn’t...

If you want me, you’d better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited.

Remember what happened last time with the ‘cuda.

The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

If you drink much from a bottle marked ‘poison’ it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.

You know Quinn?” Macaulay asked me.”Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed.”Macaulay grinned. “I hope you keep his acquaintance like that – social””Meaning what?”Macaulay’s grin became rueful. “He used to be my broker,...

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

Two farewell gifts,” Sadie muttered, “from two gorgeous guys. I hate my life.

Fact is just fiction with different storytellers

So what? All writers are lunatics!

The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: ‘No room! No room!’ they cried out when they saw Alice coming. ‘There’s plenty of room!’ said...

And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those who had to mow the grass.

If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait until Thanksgiving.

I can’t can’t, but since I can’t, I clearly can.

Three quarters, two dimes, a rubber band and—score! A piece of celery.”He started munching on the celery, eyeing the change and the rubber band like they might be next.

If we choose to behave differently, we are considered ‘Mad’ or ‘immature

I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.

Warning: Do not open.