Remember: if everyone else gives 110% effort, and you give 120%, you’re really only giving a little over 109%.

Sticking one’s head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on the back of your neck, and your heart jumps, because, Christ, that could...

Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. “That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn–there he is.

In 1881, being on a visit to Boston, my wife and I found ourselves in the Parker House with the Ingersoll’s, and went over to Charleston to hear him lecture. His subject was ‘Some Mistakes...

I looked at Judith. “This sounds strange, but I don’t suppose you saw three mad women with a cauldron of boiling tea pass by this way?””No,” she replied. The polite voice of reasonable people scared...

Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should...

A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman.

Charles Schultz: Don’t be afraid the world will end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.The Covert Comic: I’ve been calling Australia all morning, and there’s no answer.

She calls me Honeylips.

Oh, yeah? Me too. Let’s see whose friend gets here first.

Do I own my soul, or would two of my clones?

Marriage would change hardly anything between us, except that we would end our arguments in a much more satisfying way. And of course I would have extensive legal rights over your body, your property, and...

unique,” just to keep it youneeq.

I sprained my knee. I was Elbowing at the time. Elbowing is a new dance I invented for those random moments of romance that break out at funerals.

Many moral advances have taken the form of a shift in sensibilities that made an action seem more ridiculous than sinful, such as dueling, bullfighting, and jingoistic war. And many effective social critics, such as...

What if a pair of us head off on our own?” Nollin proposed, panting. “A small detachment might avoid detection.””It’s a gamble,” Ferrin said. “If the duo gets noticed, they’ll be defenseless. Who’d you have...

Nobody seems to understand that in such matters the tact and sympathy should come from the one who is about to die, not the poor bugger who has to take the news.

Dreams are fragile. Reality is a clumsy postman.

I don’t think Harry cares about being forgiven,” Poppy said glumly.”Of course he does. Men love to be forgiven. It makes us feel better about our inability to learn from our mistakes.

I am the red in remembered. Why am I red? Because I’m embarrassed.

I am the All Three Cats of love, and if you had to choose, you’d be wise to pick the middle one.

I’m afraid to see a psychiatrist about the voices in my head. She might know who they are.

Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler.”Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I’m far more than just a...

Leo: I’m almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!

If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of money you do. And while that’s true, it makes me sound wealthy and...

I’d eat a picnic in Hades with him.

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.

What would Golan Do? That way I can ask myself before I do anything. Before I take a dump. How would Dr. Golan want me to take this dump? Should I bank it off the...

Don’t do anything stupid.”Don’t worry,’ I whispered over the line, ‘I’m an expert on stupid.”You’re…”Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can...

When it came time for me to give my talk on the subject, I started off by drawing an outline of the cat and began to name the various muscles.The other students in the class...

Once I knew what I was doingI was there and with it;I had the total knowing.I Googled God and orgasmedAt the amount of Gods andMonsters out there posted about.

His smile was so wide he’d have had to break it into sections to fit it through a doorway

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

In the State of Denmark there was the odor of decay…

She’d run over Dankyo in an instant to get to Theo. Be a darn big bump in the road, but she’d do it.

Si al final mis problemas no eran solubles, cuando menos serían adulterables.

I’m an accountant of sorts. But I don’t count my money—I count your love for me. That’s all that really matters in this world.

He imagines Owens’ body dotted with saltwater reservoirs just below the skin. An entire wetland, populated with tiny fish and birds, thriving in his agitation. A species of dwarf crocodile lazing beside an artery.

I’ve always been a pretty open person, much like a 9-5 store at 6.

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn’t feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. “Do I look dead to you?

It happens to us all. We drink too much, take one too many hits of acid, proposition the wrong prostitute and end up by the side of some freeway, disheveled and disoriented.

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

CHEERS, CARTER. At least you have the sense to hand me the microphone for important things.Honestly, he drones on and on about his plans for the Apocalypse, but he makes no plans at all for...

I trained for months to be a boxer. Not Mike Tyson style, but more like Fed Ex. I’m a lover, not a fighter. Well, I’m not really a lover, but I am slightly more romantic...

Never dance in a puddle when there’s a hole in your shoe (it’s always best to take your shoes off first).

Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.

Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start...