I hate girls that giggle all the time… You hate any girl that David looks at.

The word “sex” has no sex. It is androgynous and probably asexual. And even though I have sex (my sex is male), I have no sex, despite knowing willing females.

I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don’t eat! Who knew?

That’s when it hit me. I had to go through a lot of bad relationships first, but I’d finally found him. My very own Prince Charming. Turns out they do exist.Touché, Cinderella. Touché.

Grandfather informs me that is not possible.

One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.

We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I’m cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls.

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.

I pet plants. Especially if they’re fir trees.

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

We’re actors — we’re the opposite of people!

I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x.

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that meansPoor Justin!

I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket...

I bet you cook good, huh?” Darlene asked.”Mother doesn’t cook,” Ignatius said dogmatically.”She burns.

Why did I ever wake up!” he cried.

Bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, naked bride of Beimerstetten,” and he imagines a procession of proud military men blowing trumpets as they stomp through a bomb-devastated town to the tune of...

I make love like hello, good to meet you. I would say hi, but I like to stretch it out and really make the sex last.

What a slacker. Just because daddy paid for his college education, he thinks he can avoid dying for his country.” — Willie “Drafted

I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.

I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl’s shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?

An overnight bag with the company logo – a white silhouette of a finch (which once perched on the curved back of a stallion representing cofounder, Orwell, but has now been ‘adjusted’) – sits motionless...

love make us poets, and the approach of death should make us philosophers.

I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.” I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.No?”Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on...

The princess turns to him, serious. ‘You are the one my great-grandfather spoke of: a denizen of Earth wearing a dirty apron who falls down a shaft and lands in sticky goo to lead the...

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

For me, boviscopophobia (=the morbid fear of being seen as bovine) is an even stronger motive than semi-agoraphobia for staying on the ship when we’re in port.

If I was in deep shit with Lilian before, I was snorkeling at the waste treatment plant now.

Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.

The monitor presently shows the Windows Blue Screen of Death, though this does not alarm him, as the BSoD is the universal screen saver in Hell.

Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.

Mr. Edwards admired the well-built, pleasant house and heartily enjoyed the good dinner. But he said he was going on West with the train when it pulled out. Pa could not persuade him to stay...

To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.

Fuck you and the paranormal horse you rode in on.

Mr. A calls me into his office and says he’s got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news.

It’s okay,” I said soothingly. “You’re just getting your stride back. Once you’re up to full power, I’ll go crack a rib or something so we can test it.”She groaned. “The horrible part is that...

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

Fantastic. I always like my days better with a touch of insanity,” Gabriella quipped.

If you forget your lines, you had better mumble with conviction.

Adventures are never fun while you’re having them.

To help you. You keep forgetting that part.

We have rules One-Ear.” The man smiled faintly at Mrs. Francis. “Ladies are not to be hacked apart with swords. It reflects badly on pirates in general and on our outfit in particular.

meatloaf” you’ll be serving them.

Very Like a WhaleOne thing that literature would be greatly the better forWould be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and metaphor.Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons or Celts,Can’ts seem...

In the eleventh century obese English king William the Conqueror took to bed and consumed nothing but alcohol to shed pounds, a practice many of his countrymen seem to continue to this day.