They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact.

Warning: Do not open.

These are all direct quotes, except every time they use a curse word, I’m going to use the name of a famous American poet:’You Walt Whitman-ing, Edna St. Vincent Millay! Go Emily Dickinson your mom!”Thanks...

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.

Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in...

My friend Madea has “attitude” that comes with wisdom. Back in our teens and twenties, we thought we knew everything and made all those foolish mistakes. Then, when we got a little older, at thirty,...

You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn’t a bad mood at all; it’s just your sucky personality.

Pointed teeth would give one an appearance of ferocity,” he said, tapping a straight white tooth. “Although that might require one to follow through with biting someone from time to time, and the thought is...

If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic.You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right?...

Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and I won’t wait forever.

Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

Okay, don’t get mad.” She pulled out my stake — or at least something that looked like my stake,only the hilt of it was now covered in bright blue crystals and diamond-like gems.”You Bedazzled my...

Master: When a human being asks ‘WHO AM I?’, the honest answer is eternal silence.Disciple: Do we make noise to feel that silence, Master?

Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?””What’s the point of that, Miss?” the waiter said.”Tomorrow morning,” Mabel said.

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

The verse is supposed to get you hard so the chorus can suck you off.

I’m not that shallow, asshole. I don’t need money. It’s way more important for them to be good-looking.

I went to a gun range and shot a man made out of paper. That paper man must have had a brother, and I fear one day that paper man’s brother is going to shoot...

Moderation is the key to old age and the doorway to boredom

Love conquers all,” Aphrodite promised. “Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?””Didn’t they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?””Pfft. That’s not the point. Follow your heart.

somehow people forget that there is God….what more to us we’re just individuals,,to forget is part of imperfections..

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

Ellen’s life was not easy, nor was it happy, but she did not expect life to be easy, and, if it was not happy, that was woman’s lot. It was a man’s world, and she...

The Book of Life, I’m still writing it—both literally and literarily. So far I’ve written the Table of Contents. Right now it’s more of a coffee table.

Halved. That was every time. My laughter was for idiots, for their unjustifiable idiocy and for myself for an unrelenting conviction to them, for that unforgivable instance I leveled myself to them. At that awkward...

Doesn’t like you? She hates you!

Two hundred Romans, and no one’s got a pen? Never mind!” He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into...

The pursuit of historical relevance is an under appreciated endeavor.

Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.

Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD.

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...

This book will prove the following ten facts:1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.3. All power corrupts, but we need...

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

We’d spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I’d accidentally swung a sword at her, she’d saved my life, and I’d run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your...

More than anything.” Rob persisted. “You’d crawl on your belly over broken glass for her. Easy.

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

Ego is the world’s worst narcotic

It’s like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!

I bowl with cannonballs, because this is war, 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

The Princess Andromeda?””Went ka-boom.

You wouldn’t think that people would believe that we all got so incredibly beat up—in so many interesting ways—from a bear attack. Especially not when Carmel is sporting a bite mark that is a spot-on...

Fish strips—where food meets getting naked. My love is also nourishing and nude, and if you want to see it, you’re going to have to get in line with the rest of the starving perverts.

You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one’s better in bed.

Nothing succeeds like success. Kill me now.

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

Dieting was cruel; it was an abuse of human rights. Yes, that’s what it was, and she should not allow herself to be manipulated in this way. She stopped herself. Thinking like that was nothing...

I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.

Miro, I’m so sorry. I always felt such pity for you humans because you could only think of one thing at a time and your memories were so imperfect and . . . now I...