bad breath and butt smell; that is prison, in a nutshell.

She suggested we ‘crouch’ buck nekkid on the bed or a dresser and leap out at him from the shadows.Now, my husband can’t see all that well in the dark. I think if he comes...

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.

If you feel like you’re drowning, don’t forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you’re actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

Presque tous les hommes meurent de leurs remèdes, et non pas de leurs maladies.

Eliot, huh?” she says. The thin fabric of her long T-shirt brushes my arm. “Is everyone in your family named for a famous symbolist poet?”No, I’m named for someone who was supposed to be in...

A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or anger. No, that man probably feels normal.

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee at that moment.

A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go to hell.

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

But don’t worry,” she continued. “Most snakes don’t want to hurt you. If you’re out in the bush and a snake comes along, just stop dead and let it slide over your shoes.”This, I decided,...

The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I hated those fucking people.

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways of stirring, like renting Michael Phelps’ 400 IM time.

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

The greatest gift you can give to posterity is a good kick in the posterior.

I hope that’s a good thing,’ I said, thinking he might say I reminded him of a film star- then we’d actually have something in common. I was hoping for Anne Hathaway or Julia Roberts,...

There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden’s brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.

It’s one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!… That’s a real talent

In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those...

A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used like a Wexlybexter Device (the one with the hand crank, not the one...

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

That’s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

Oh, man,” he mumbled with a full mouth. “At least the food is good.

Never borrow trouble, the payback’s a bitch

I plead the fifth—and then I drank it. I was drunk on love, but wouldn’t admit it. I was also drunk on whiskey, but the breathalyzer outed me.

I stood up in a flash and flushed a light shade of furious.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was left. They had even robbed me of self-pity

Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh, and your mind, too.

I’ve never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.

My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just...

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think...

She was very close to my heart. Even though we were separated by a distance of 400 years, I was lying on her grave.

I’ve never seen Salisbury steak on a restaurant menu. It’s only in frozen dinners. Is there something we should know about that? What IS Salisbury steak anyway? And where do they hunt or harvest the...

Of all the flowers from a rose to a carnation, I’d die for reincarnation.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to...

{Calpurnia)”My mother…she’s desperate for a daughter she can dress like a porcelain doll. Sadly, I shall never be such a child. How I long for my sister to come out and distract the countess from...

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

Reach into your heart and find the gold in it. Mine is shaped like an Olympic medal.

I cannot afford to waste my time making money.

Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually had to walk to school. In the snow. And shoes hadn’t even been invented yet.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?