Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things...

To err is human, to purr is feline.

The landscape is best described as ‘pedestrian hostile.’ It’s pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

Shut up, idiot.

Cael, come on. Stop licking the dude. That’s gross.”Letty let out a snort. “Please, like you don’t lick dudes.””That’s different,” Dex explained with a grimace. “None of those dudes were Ash. Besides, last time I...

What you see is what you get.” Of course, I say it silently, so people probably don’t hear me.

But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness

Percy: Dad-Poseidon: Very well! It shall be as you say. But my son, pray this works.Percy: I’m praying, I’m talking to you, right?Poseidon: Oh…yes. Good point.

Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn’t sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can’t get enough of them.

I’ve tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I’m having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it...

I’ve found the best way to revise your own work is to pretend that somebody else wrote it and then to rip the living shit out of it.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Every town you go to, they tell you what’s special about their town. What they’re number one at… This guy comes up and says, ‘D’you know that we’re the home of the world’s largest frying...

Never trust a fiction author. They spend countless hours making you believe in a world they created. They are among the best, most dedicated liars in the world.

My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. ‘I think it was very...

When I was a wee little kid,” remarked Roic, watching over their shoulders, “there was a time I thought that any skinny old man I saw was my grandfather. It was pretty confusing.

From: Anastasia SteeleSubject: MoaningDate: May 31 2011 19:39 ESTTo: Christian GreyGotta go.Laters, baby……From: Christian GreySubject: PlagiarismDate: May 31 2011 16:41To: Anastasia SteeleYou stole my line.And left me hanging.Enjoy your dinner.Christian GreyCEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

I’ve just walked ten feet in the wrong direction, and I’m too tired to turn back around and trudge back. Oh, the lengths I go to for love.

I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they’re out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy.

. . . I still wouldn’t be able to control myself around him, and I’m math geek enough to know that equation doesn’t work out.

Buy one pair of pants and get a wallet full of cash for free. While I’ll admit they do have a coffee stain on the crotch, I can assure you it is caffeinated. Licking it...

I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.

—En verdad me gusta, quien sabe cómo el estar con él cambie mi vida, probablemente va a ser increíble.—,Y si cambia las cosas para mal?, ,Y si quiere robarte tu dinero, o secuestrarte, o cortarte...

Go ahead and laugh at Detroit. Because you are laughing at yourself.

Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.

If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going.

Murder is like potato chips: you can’t stop with just one.

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

Aside from that.

I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.

I was watching a collection of vintage ’80s cereal commercials when I paused to wonder why cereal manufacturers no longer included toy prizes inside every box. It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign...

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.

I mean you ACRES of harm,’ Dalrymple growled. ‘Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.

Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor.”Owww!” he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn’t mean it.”If you think I can understand that,”...

I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad,...

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

The magic in that country was so thick and tenacious that it settled over the land like chalk-dust and over floors and shelves like sticky plaster-dust. (House-cleaners in that country earned unusually good wages.) If...

I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

It’s astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex – trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can’t imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed...

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it’s too late to save her. “I’ve noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear.” She’s been...

Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it’s always just my luck to get one perfect rose.

Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.

I’ve received two key pieces of advice in regard to my books. The first is, “You should lay off the f-bombs.” The other is, “You should add more f-bombs.

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half...

Old, old, drink. Tiiiiny little drink. Very small. Almost not there.” She began to hiccup.