Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

Come on, there’s no one there. You want coffee?” Tess asked.”Yeah, sure, why not? I’m only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don’t imagine why caffeine wouldn’t help this situation.

We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us.

I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist.

Damn,’ someone behind me says. ‘I was hoping we would get to scrape some Stiff pancake off the pavement later.

My hair isn’t as white as snow, because it’s not old enough—or cold enough.

Never run after a man or a bus, there’s always another one in five minutes.

The Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America’s intelligence gap.

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

This world, I am afraid, is designed for crashing bores.

We have to go back and help Gabe.

Apparently loved did weird things to a girl’s practical decision-making skills – Matilda

The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I’d thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing...

I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.

Being a pumpkinhead is great.””Your HEAD is PUMPKIN.

I was hoping against hope he’d refill his Prozac so we could be in love again, but, sadly, that never happened.

This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an open jar of mayonnaise. I guess that’s just the champion in me.

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

He’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

Two former students of mine are getting married. Congrats, grandpa and grandpa!

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams Week” Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month “leave” I wonder if he will be “Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

Or — and this she knew was a far more accurate way of looking at it — the book was true and reality was lying.

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

Even when we’re old, I’ll still look at you with the same eyes. (Who else’s eyes am I going to look at you with?) My love for you is Louis Braillesque.

Birds don’t sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.

You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!

I am somebody’s son, and I know a guy I call “Dad.” Those two things are unrelated.

I told them he’d be able to get you to go out.” Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. “Look at him.””He’s right here, Ri,” Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an...

Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

It’s Wednesday, and I just made a fresh batch of Thursdays. Buy one while they’re still hot! They go on sale Friday.

I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.

I’m not even going to be able to attend the burial. Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them.

Oh, of course,” said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. “I forgot we’ll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.

Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness.

Without hesitation but with a sense of entitlement, he lifted my hand to his lips. He was gentlemen-like in every way… I don’t know why I wondered if it was an act or for real.

I MAY HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF SOME FLICKER OF EMOTION IN THE RECENT PAST, said Death, BUT I CAN GIVE IT UP ANY TIME I LIKE.

You ever flown something before?” (Christopher)”I hold the highest score at A.S.U. for Star Wars: Starfighter.” (Kitty)”I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m going to regret this.” (Christopher)

I like wooden shoes—John Wooden. They are better for playing basketball. Nail them to the hardwood floor for increased shooting efficiency.

An older, inebriated Scot who looked like he’d been sitting on his barstool all day looked me up and down, then smelled the air. “Heh, neebr, goat a deid an’mal in yer bac’pac, or iz...

…he’d assumed their relationship would go on forever. It was going on now, but in another way, like the rearrangement of the stars, which were all still in the sky, just burning in unexpected places.

My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well.

Medusa isn’t a rodent. She’s an erinaceid.