For others, in spite of myself, from myself.

The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way—contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there.

Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.

Don’t ruin it. The moment is too rare.

Hey, I notice you look like you’re coming down off a meth binge and smell vaguely of algae. Were you perchance dancing with a snakebit Margo Roth Spiegelman a couple of hours ago?

I get scared at night. That’s why I got a cat—for protection. Cats are deadlier than Teddy bears.

Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.

We made love like green is blue. That’s because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow.

I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My feet are like orange spatulas.

Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.

To those who care about punctuation, a sentence such as “Thank God its Friday” (without the apostrophe) rouses feelings not only of despair but of violence. The confusion of the possessive “its” (no apostrophe) with...

I sometimes rub a bag of potato chips, but honestly, it’s no substitute for petting a cat. I’m the sort if pet owner that doesn’t approve of high fructose corn syrup.

Love makes the world go round. Too bad love doesn’t make the world go other shapes, like tetrahedron.

The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.

The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.

Take a guy who can walk on water, who can raise people from the dead, who can look at you and tell you what you had for breakfast…if a guy like that can’t find twelve...

Your romantic effusions leave me breathless.

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be...

If I were to be honest, I’m probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising.

Yeah, sure.

Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action.”(p.115)

Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic.

Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.

Great, tell me when you’ve defeated Voldemort for me, will you?

Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.

Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.

You took your clothes off?””You didn’t notice?””No! Jeez Louise, I don’t even know you.””If you look under the covers, you’ll know me better.””I don’t want to know you better!””That’s a big fib,” Diesel said.

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.

With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get.

Agatha, what do you see when you look in the mirror?””I don’t look in mirrors.””Why is that?””Because horses and hogs don’t sit around ogling their reflections!

Fred, you next,” the plump woman said. “I’m not Fred, I’m George,” said the boy. “Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can’t you tell I’m George?” “Sorry, George, dear.” “Only joking, I am Fred,”...

To me, a good friend is one who doesn’t talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.

Big lots,’ I said, seeing the eighty-year-old oaks and shady lawns. The houses were set way back and had iron fences and stone drives. The harder to hear your neighbors scream, my dear,’ was David’s...

She’s a librarian, Sim said. They’re not teachers; don’t give you half as much hassle. If there’s a fire in the school and I’ve got to choose who I’m gonna save – a teacher or...

Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.

I’ve always known I was gay, but it wasn’t confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND...

The sexiest advice:Dear humans, stop role-playing in your lives; these sort of things are meant to be explored only at times you won’t mention in public.

I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

I should get 365 different t-shirts made up, each a slightly different color than the last, forming a gradient from green to blue. Then I should take a daily picture, and move down the color...

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.

Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.

Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me.

I had a dream about you. I’ll bet you are a much better lover in real life, and I hope your prices aren’t as high as I imagined.

I am so awesome. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.

Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, “I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will...

Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.

Humans had spent thousands of years climbing out of caves and building technology so they could reach the moon and live in caves again.

Thank you for that, boy genius! Where did you graduate from? Hogwarts School for the Mentally Unbalanced?