That Jim Crow there in the window,” answered the urchin, holding out a cent, and pointing to the gingerbread figure that had attracted his notice, as he loitered along to school; “the one that has...

The hippo of recollection stirred in the muddy waters of the mind.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

If you want to catch beasts you don’t see every day,You have to go places quite out of the way,You have to go places no others can get to.You have to get cold and you...

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through...

Feel free to look around, but being as though there aren’t any people eighteen or older here, stay off the bed. I’m not allowed to get pregnant this weekend.

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

Durbin’s sunglasses were gone, and his gray eyes sparkled up at her. He winked. “Take care of yourself, Dr. Venkman.”Lena bit back a grin. “You too, Dana Barrett.

Good evening, gentlemen!’ said the vampire. ‘Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong...

No, I made small talk with Bessie, your shotgun, until you removed her double barrels from my kisser.”Violet and a typical conversation with Harvey

Love is like water, except it’s either fog or ice. I make love like a steamy 32 degrees.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too.

Come on, it is a guest bedroom! If you want your guests to feel at home, they should be allowed to do whatever they do at home!

Well, it may be humorous to you, but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.

Yes, but humans are more important than animals,’ said Brutha.’This is a point of view often expressed by humans,’ said Om.

You’ve already said you were going to kill me,” Alex said, “but I didn’t think that meant you were going to bore me to death.

I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?

Evolutionarily speaking, there is seldom any mystery in why we seek the goals we seek — why, for example, people would rather make love with an attractive partner than get a slap on the belly...

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

While Owen and Miles talk sports, I people watch. And this is what I see: teenagers trying to act like adults. Or how they think adults act. But mostly they look ridiculous, and I wonder...

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human trolls …the melting pot melts in one direction only, and so we make...

[M]an has been accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to having a dozen incompatible philosophies dancing about together inside his head. He doesn’t think of doctrines as primarily “true” or “false,” but as “academic”...

Due to its late nature, tomorrow morning will start after tonight. People say early morning, but it’s later than late at night, so I say it’s entirely too decadent for me to be a part...

From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations – the gods write their signature in our entrails

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.

Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.

And people think she killed him?” said Miss Tick. She sighed. “They probably think she cooked him in the oven, or something.””They never actually said,” said Tiffany. “But I think it was something like that,...

Tacos.””Tacos?” I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. “Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.””I know what a taco is!

If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.

My life was going to flash before my eyes, but it decided to hide behind my eyes and quake with terror instead.

It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the...

An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.

You’ve got to have, like, a lentil for a soul to hate wiener dogs.

You can’t has,’ he whispered softly, ‘not yours.

I really loathe [the bumper sticker] ‘Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!’Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: ‘My Fifteen-Year-Old’s in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us’ or ‘My...

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about.

No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!

Wow Kelsey!” Kishan whistled. “I’m going to have to beat the other guys of with a stick!

A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.

Barish ho gayi, meri Gari dhul gayi

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It’s really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

When you grow up the way I do, and the biggest thing in your life so far has been getting dunked in a glass tank by a man who acts like he’s mugging you but...

The good news is my neighbor survived the fire. The bad news is I like my food cooked a little more thoroughly.

It’s not cold in here, you’re just dying.

A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside.

Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. – Holden Caulfield

I’ts better with the right hand than with the wrong girl