Do not do that again,” he said stiffly.”Don’t kiss me back then,” I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. “I don’t give ‘Zen lessons’ to hear myself talk. I don’t give them...

It’s important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It’s not only life of babies, but it’s life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.

Fine! I’ll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I’m in my pj’s””I’m a guy. That’s like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.

…Our conversation with the supermarket manager had been about as helpful as a New Jersey road sign, and if you’ve ever been there, you know the signs don’t tell you the exit you’re coming up...

I love coffee, and coffee loves me. You know what else loves me? Hookers in hot paper cups.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know – for comedians are the caricatures among us.

YES. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I ROLL. LIKE A SUAVE THING. In fact, from here on, please forward my mail to 1 Suave Hill, Suave Boulevard, Suavieland, Planet of She’s-So-Smooth-I-Can’t-Believe-She’s-Not-Butter.

You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all.

[Home Economics Textbook from 1950]: “Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you’ll look refreshed when hubby comes home from work. Touch up makeup and put a ribbon in your hair. He’s just been...

I wish the trees would go into leaf that I might find out what they are. In their present undress I cannot recognise them. It’s true that I doubt if I should know my best...

I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m...

Karo kann sehr gut schießen. Sie trifft nur nicht immer.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I often repeat repeat myself,I often repeat repeat.I don’t don’t know why know why,I simply know that I I Iam am inclined to say to saya lot a lot this way this way-I often repeat...

I got over shy a really long time ago. I’m queer, I’m feline, get used to it.

Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.

Coffee is made from beans. Burritos also have beans in them, although I’ll admit a burrito isn’t as drinkable as a cup of coffee.

You mustn’t stand about. Come home with me to dinner.’‘No.’ More shakes his head. ‘I would rather be blown around on the river and go home hungry. If I could trust you only to put...

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Three men walk into a bar. The third guy’s name is 333. The first guy’s name is The Second Guy, and the second guy’s name is I’m Not Lying. One of these men is not...

Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.

I meditate, and when I do, Prince Harry appears in my subconscious and meditates with me. It’s a little strange but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. Sometimes he’s not the...

I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.

Dear God,” said Nudge under her breath, “I want real parents. But I want them to want me too. I wantthem to love me. I already love them. Please see what you can do. Thanks...

…by the end of my first week as an intern, I am just about ready to throw my pager out the window. A high window. Overlooking a trash compactor. Filled with highly corrosive acid.

Soul mates are said to be two souls destined to be together, programmed to recognize each other across time and space. I didn’t know whether that was the truth, but I was inclined to believe...

Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

Walk your own path and be yourself

A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successful mugging with.

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

Well, I’m about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.

Tell this guy to eat a hundred-calorie pack of dicks.

If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, shut up.

At least watching dirty movies can be kind of fascinating if they aren’t too horribly strange. And even the horribly strange ones are still more interesting than televised sports.

My STD test results came back, and sure enough, I’m a genius.

Well, it’s nice to know that the Trolls made it this far south,’ Ulath said. ‘I’d hate to have to go looking for them.”Their Gods were guiding them, Ulath,’ Tynian pointed out.’You’ve never talked with...

Has he written to you?”He writes frequently.”Shew me his letters this instant, I order you’; and M. de Renal added six feet to his stature.

There are more quarrels smothered by just shutting your mouth, and holding it shut, than by all the wisdom in the world.

Flashlights would have been nice. Next adventure, Coralee was going to bring a flashlight.

We were in such good moods, we even decided to hit Todd’s house for candy. Sam rang the doorbell, and when it opened, this hideous, rubber monster face roared at us. Sam screamed. Todd started...

A person crying is like a sponge wringing itself out. Love is better than a sink that turns itself off without you having to touch the handle.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that’s when you know they really mean it.

Her family had of late been exceedingly fluctuating. For many years of her life she had had two sons; but the crime and annihilation of Edward a few weeks ago, had robbed her of one;...

The shirt says; ‘I bite.’ You prick, not ‘I blo

Are you a female dog?””What?” Massie asked. “Why?””Because you are acting like a real bitch!

A nation’s not a child, for God’s sake. … It’s like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

I also drink Scotch. But I’m not picky. I’ll take the victory Scotch, or the Scotch of defeat. Or the rotgut swill.

You’ve got no sense of humor.””I’m going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.