I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you.

I am sorry the only outlet for her troubled mind was in clumsy foreplay with an inadequate partner.”He threw the rest of her sandwich at the swinging door as she passed through it.

Check out that one at the end. He’s taken the form of a footstool. Weird…but somehow I like his style.””That is a footstool.

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 different ways to do it wrong.

I saw my reflection in a glass, but I did not drink of myself. I’m thirsty for her love, not my own backwash.

It’s some homeless woman. She looks like she needs money and a good wash.” And I thought I’d already reached the lowest point of my day.

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

I make love in the rain, alone, under an umbrella, because people in phone booths cannot be trusted. I hang my clothes up like I hang up a phone—long distance.

I keep telling myself sensible things, but I never seem to listen!

And she swung the old oar at him with all her strength.It hit with a great thwack, splintering in two, and he went over the side, into the dark, cold waters of the lake, sinking...

Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don’t read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.Watch exercise shows on television, but don’t do the exercises. Practice believing...

You do have that effect on people.

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride – where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

A lighthearted prayer for Thanksgiving:May you have turkey in seasonCranberries for squeezin’Gravy (within reason)And leftovers worth freezin’!Amenby Merrill Miller of Scottdale, PA

So I’ve come to the conclusion that it is thus my own fault when these people I have been talking about finally stop saying “Ah” and tell me it’s a pity I always do such...

The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he...

I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.

Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love.

I mean, electric shock? Isn’t that a bit… electric shock-y?

’Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin.

I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.

Oompow,” which I would translate for you but it’s devastatingly embarrassing.

You look too pretty to be useful.” “Truer words were never spoken.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.

Ah, well, it never hurts to try.

Getting drunk was good. I decided that I would always like getting drunk. It took away the obvious and maybe. If you could get away from the obvious often enough, you wouldn’t become obvious yourself.

If life is a game… I need new dice!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Hey, even pencils can get the job done—I’ve heard the moaning from your room to prove it.

Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.

A few dud universes can really clutter up your basement.

To Mr. Blot, who went through life an unconscious example of the raison d’être of the British Empire, a shipwreck was merely one of the many things to be ignored. His was a calming influence.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I’ve always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out...

Children inherit their parents’ madness.

Well then,” Roen said briskly, “are you sleeping?””Yes.””Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?””No,” Brigan said gravely. “I’ve not eaten in two months. It’s a hunger strike to protest...

Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.

The phone book shouldn’t be arranged alphabetically, but by height. Guess how tall my love for you is. That’s right—taller than Goliath!

I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.

Bitterblue had never seen a man naked, and she was curious. She decided the universe owed her a few minutes, just a few, to satisfy her curiosity. So she went to him and knelt, which...

Now they seemed to be in a contest over who could irritate her more, and she sometimes had to remind herself that teenagers had souls

I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.

…Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything….

More than anything, I just want to be somebody. Somebody like my own clone.

The best part about a murder mystery dinner, of course, is the dinner. I make a killer Bubble and squeak, if you know what I mean. The mystery, of course, is what’s in the dinner.

Will you walk into my parlour?” said the Spider to the Fly

You sound so reasonable for a man who’s been jilted. Can’t you sound a bit angry? You just lost the best sex of your life. Punch a wall or something!