Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening...

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter…with alliteration, no less!

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

I am illiterate. Just not in English.

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today,...

Please don’t die.

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

It’s me,” a deep voice rumbled.The hands released me and I turned. There stood Derek, all six foot of him. Maybe it was just the thrill of seeing him, but he looked better than I...

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand....

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

I need a victim and no offense Yuki, but your carrot sticks are lacking in controversy.

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.

Would you like me to install one of those child playground slides for you?

I’d seriously contemplated a real collar – a sparkly green one – if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity.

I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from the bicycle that is love.

I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.

It’s because I’m pregnant, Christian.”He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. “If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier.

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very...

I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration...

When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that’s because I don’t eat at a table, I eat at my desk. Which could be considered a table, except we tend...

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?

I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.

Barzûl!

From Olsen’s Nation: “Through the power of our diplomacy, a world that was once divided about how to deal with Iran’s nuclear program now stands as one. Standing as one, the world now sincerely regrets...

The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans...

Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.

Hey, what is that over there?” and I pointed over your shoulder, and when you turned to look I scribbled my name on the bottom of page one.

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the Midol.

I’d rather be weird than ordinary. Ordinary is so boring.

If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink needs refilling.

I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

I’m a Skeptic. And I’m a Journalist. I look up things in the library—a lot! I believe in the motto of Missouri, the ‘Show-me, don’t just blow me’ state. I need evidence. I need demonstrations....

Writing poetry and reading books causes brain damage.

I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.

Horst passed him a bottle he had picked up in his rapid trip from there to here. Remarkably, it’s contents had survived the transit. “Drink this,” he said, unmoved by Cabal’s anger. “You need to...

Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she’s a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] … I got better. Crowd: [shouts]...

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.

Temporary Insanity had come a-knocking and I had shouted “Come on in the door is open.” Luckily, Reality had come unexpectedly and found Temporary Insanity roaming the corridors of my mind unchecked, going into rooms,...

People who were raised on The Bible can never tell the difference between a warning and an advertisement.

Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ I hear. ‘Can we please just try to have a good time?’ This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.