There is a cookie trail of all my interests lodged in some digital sphere which will one day consolidate the collected data of six billion souls and vomit out—I don’t know—personalized infomercials for deodorant and...

Durbin’s sunglasses were gone, and his gray eyes sparkled up at her. He winked. “Take care of yourself, Dr. Venkman.”Lena bit back a grin. “You too, Dana Barrett.

Good evening, gentlemen!’ said the vampire. ‘Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong...

The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late.

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.

I suggest to you the power of suggestion of powerful.

Well, it may be humorous to you, but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.

Yes, but humans are more important than animals,’ said Brutha.’This is a point of view often expressed by humans,’ said Om.

How about 8:01?

What’s on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?

Evolutionarily speaking, there is seldom any mystery in why we seek the goals we seek — why, for example, people would rather make love with an attractive partner than get a slap on the belly...

Can you enter a house uninvited?””No.””Why?””That would be rude.

I’ll do anything for money. Anything except work.

While Owen and Miles talk sports, I people watch. And this is what I see: teenagers trying to act like adults. Or how they think adults act. But mostly they look ridiculous, and I wonder...

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human trolls …the melting pot melts in one direction only, and so we make...

Thirty–the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair.

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.

From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations – the gods write their signature in our entrails

Young men speak about the future because they have no past, and old men speak of the past because they have no future.

I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.

Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.

And people think she killed him?” said Miss Tick. She sighed. “They probably think she cooked him in the oven, or something.””They never actually said,” said Tiffany. “But I think it was something like that,...

All I need is your love. And money.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

My life was going to flash before my eyes, but it decided to hide behind my eyes and quake with terror instead.

Honey, he looks slippery as soap.”And then adds, “A girl could lather up in soap like that.

recession.” No matter how many millions of jobs are lost, how much debt our country accrues, or how many years the stagnation drags on, it’s not a depression until the dogmatic media officially declares it...

You’ve got to have, like, a lentil for a soul to hate wiener dogs.

You can’t has,’ he whispered softly, ‘not yours.

Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.

Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn’t she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin’ all over a stack of griddle cakes?

No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!

Only a clever human can make a real Joke about virtue, or indeed about anything else; any of them can be trained to talk as if virtue were funny. Among flippant people the joke is...

I refer to myself as he, the third person, because the first two people are out on a date. They probably expect me to pick up their tab.

Barish ho gayi, meri Gari dhul gayi

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It’s really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

After you first tell someone you love them, the weight of the wait for them to tell you they love you too feels like an elephant doing jumping jacks on the back of your mouse-like...

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.

It’s not cold in here, you’re just dying.

It was an odd situation. For a century and a half, men got rid of their own hair, which was perfectly comfortable, and instead covered their heads with something foreign and uncomfortable. Very often it...

Why spend ten dollars to buy one item that does two things, when for five dollars a piece I can sell you two items that each does one thing?

I’ts better with the right hand than with the wrong girl

The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be...

By journey’s end the brides were much better acquainted with their grooms and more or less pleased with the matches. Sybil Bingham wrote in her diary, thanking God for answering her prayer for filling “the...

I assure you, my good Lestrade, that I have an excellent reason for everything that I do.

I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover.

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?