Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.

Yeah, over my scattered panties, I asked him to dinner and told him to bring a friend.” – Laney

The phone book shouldn’t be arranged alphabetically, but by height. Guess how tall my love for you is. That’s right—taller than Goliath!

Love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.

The pain I felt when I lost my glove was nothing compared to the pain I felt losing my hand as well.

From behind Lissa, I heard Christian say, “Worst. Timing. Ever.” Adrian studied Lissa and then looked at Christain sprawling on the bed on the far side of the suite. “Huh,” Adrian said, letting himself in....

Now they seemed to be in a contest over who could irritate her more, and she sometimes had to remind herself that teenagers had souls

I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.

As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting,...

More than anything, I just want to be somebody. Somebody like my own clone.

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

I’m not afraid of you, Ghleanna. I’ve never been afraid of you. To be quite honest. . I think you’re amazing. I always have. Since the first time you ignored me.

You might not believe this, but there is no one like her at this school.””Oh I believe it,” I said, thinking back to the time Angeline had forgotten her locker’s combination and tried to get...

You sound so reasonable for a man who’s been jilted. Can’t you sound a bit angry? You just lost the best sex of your life. Punch a wall or something!

Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French.

So are my eyes. How do I always get roped into these things?” Avery coughs and pats Rob’s back in sympathy. A poof of dust billows from the contact.

I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than saying I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.

hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

As with most of life’s problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.

I mop my floor with a wet cloud. My love tissues are full of eye rain. Dinner will be served at breakfast.

If you asked why the post had not come, or why the boat did not sail for England, or why your coffee was cold, or why your boots were not cleaned, or why your window...

If I win in the nick of time, I’ll spread my congrats evenly to every Nick in the stands. I’ll give them all one watch, because we all share time, so they can share the...

Well, that would certainly earn you a cookie!

I want you never to make that statement again.

Do you see that out there? The strange, unfamiliar light? It’s called the sun. Let’s go get us a little.

The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone...

She ordered beer all night, and I ordered root beer. She was drunk, and so was I—with love.

The ocean is a Turing machine, the sand is its tape; the water reads the marks in the sand and sometimes erases them and sometimes carves new ones with tiny currents that are themselves a...

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

Buggeroff, enchanté!

Every working mother has the things she dreads, things that keep her up in the night – pink eye, an ear infection, the parent-teacher conference, the school play – all forcing her to remind the...

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

A picture should capture a moment, a place in time you can return to again and again.

Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.

You seem to know a lot about it,” she said. “And you do subtleties.””Yeah. Like I’ve always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide.””Well, there’s no need to be rude,” protested Sif.

Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).

…’Well, I think of you as a straight shooter, Sheriff, but one who can’t stop lustin’ after the goddamn ineffable.'”She said that, hunh?””Yup.””Shitfire, Sheriff, what’d you do?””Well, I shot her.

Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit’ Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh’ babushki. (I’d wear Moscow as pants for you, like a...

Well– I don’t know– the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope.

There’s a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It’s so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over...

Happy Birthday.”

I thought about kicking him in the balls, but I didn’t. I figured that would be over kill.” – Rendezvous with Destiny

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer

Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a...

I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.

How weird? We’re all dressed like people in a Jane Austen book. I think weird comes with the territory.