Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that...

I’m the enemy because I like to think. I like to read. I’m into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I’m the kind of guy that could sit in a greasy spoon and wonder,...

I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There’s gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nuture.

I want you to take away the hope because that’s the thing that’s killing me.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

I’ve eaten things that didn’t complain this much.

I’m high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry f**kin’ Christmas!

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into...

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn’t get laid.

Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said “Anybody got an aspiren? I think I’ve got a cold.”

I’m in my truck talking to Jesus. And you can see a World Series ring on my right pinkie finger. But when I take my sunglasses off a second later, it’s gone. It’s the whole...

It’s always great to get word that you’ve been picked up for another season, … We’re really hitting our stride and have great story lines already mapped out for next year.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn’t hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

Ray Romano gets the films’ emotional moments, John the funny ones, but Diego makes it all happen. Diego is still a leader smart and strong, but he thinks he may be getting soft’ because of...

Rescue Me’ will explore the lives of firefighters through their relationships with each other, their families and their bookies.

I just think it’s difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can’t blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

I literally go out with a set of bullet points,

Crazy? … Maybe. But that’s a good kind of crazy. It’s a guy who knows what he wants.

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever,

When we’d get done, Jeff would tell me: ‘This bit is good. This other bit has nothing to do with what we’re talking about.’

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good...

Most of the stories that we do are true stories from the last 20 years in the fire department, both funny and tragic,

White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who...

I’d object. And like a baseball manager, he’d come right back at me.

You’re 16 years old, you don’t know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU’RE PANTS!!!

Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who’s old enough to swim next...

I would never do crack… I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

I will pay people off to get one. I’ll bribe anybody – you can put this in the paper – tell them to call my office and tell me how much money they need.