Something tells me you’re going to be no fun come Christmas.

I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost...

When you make the judgement as a network that there are only three candidates, you are censoring points of view.

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

The humble Cumulus humilis – never hurt a soul.

I’m fairly competant as a director and actor, but I am Mr. Neurotic as a writer. I just don’t have enough confidence in my abilities to take criticism well. I take it personally. Start with...

When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud.

In great detail.

A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.

Moreover, grandmothers of students who aren’t doing so well in class are at even higher risk – students who are failing are fifty times more likely to lose a grandmother compared with non-failing students. In...

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’

My table seats eight, so that’s my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn’t get wrecked that way.

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.

Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while.

I remember calling the council’s cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied.

…in the unique case of a country’s geographic position, it is difficult to consider this factor as anything other than a cause, unless we assume that in prehistoric times peoples migrated to climates that fit...

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

ruined” by bad words — my own and others. In Beyonce’s song “Irreplaceable,” she rhymes “minute” with “minute,” and I cringe every time I hear it (partly because by that point I’m singing along). On...

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I...

The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white.

What was worse, he couldn’t tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.

Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. “Okay, look.” Deb’s face was dead serious. “I know I just joined this project, and I don’t want to offend anyone. But I’m going to be honest. I...

Let me be clear: I don’t want to make love to a mannequin—I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.

Maybe we should drop in and introduce ourselves, ice-boy. Do the whole, hey, we were just in the neighborhood, and we were just wondering if you had any plans to take over the Nevernever. Have...

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou saw’st thien own knee?

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

It wasn’t that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of...

Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.

Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they’re boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says “Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed”–because he likes you anyways. He’ll...

I hope I never get so hard up I have to do advertisements. I’ve gotten ridiculous offers.

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange...

I shook my head. She kissed my cheek, then on her way out patted Zachary’s shoulder in a way that said, If you upset Aura in her weakened state, I will end you.

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to...

There’s nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn’t even have to matter what they’re laughing about.

There’s a saying, isn’t there, that when you’ve had a near death experience, all you want to do is have sex?

A blanket of self-regulated trust on a bed of deceit.

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

Of course I’m jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn’t the point.

A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

Never take advice about never taking advice. That is an old vice of men – to dish it out without being able to take it – the blind leading the blind into more blindness.

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

A blanket could be used as a soggy umbrella, if you’re too cheap to buy my 360-degrees spinning windshield wiper on a stick. Think of it like a one-bladed helicopter, and picture yourself as dry...

Apparently, we’re all in the frame,” I heard Harry murmur somewhere behind me. And I whirled back to him. Innate, irrational anger surged. Then stopped, dead – as I suddenly took in Handsome, Robert and...

A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead singer, and my sexy voice is like melted butter on a corn on...