Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

Of course, Jules was not a wolf. She was an elephant. But Jules was a very young toy and she had never been to school to learn the difference.

Steffie took my hand and we walked past the fruit bins, an area that extended about forty-five yards along one wall. The bins were arranged diagonally and backed my mirrors that people accidentally punched when...

I never wanted to do political satire because it seems too surface to me.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap your ball. So it exists to have balls land in it. But it...

Alas! Charles made the promise glibly, and forgot all about it.

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it

Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?

I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.

If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.

Fifteen men on the Dead Man’s Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

You didn’t have to go to the fireworks with him. Or – or let him fondle you.””Fondle?” Raisa raised her eyebrows, “When did I mention fondling?

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

We’ll know we’ve built a machine that’s truly alive when it commits suicide.

Look at the size of his Naples!

Rather than continue kicking the can down the road, let us gather up the can, and deposit it in a roadside trash receptacle.

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

Control is under the situation.

My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.

Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: ‘Suicide vest’ is a redundancy.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.

Inadequate.

If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.

You run away to join another circus.

I want to start a band called “Friday Have Been Cancelled” and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, “Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled.” I sure hope nobody shows up because...

I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself....

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

Secret 4081312. Every bullet’s magic if you’ve got a magic gun.

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

It’s all life is. Just going ’round kissing people.

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

The pockmarked and chalk-white sidewalk was like the surface of the moon, and I felt like Neil Armstrong as I walked along in my space boots and white helmet with my visor flipped down. Of...

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

I had a dream about you. You took control of my body and forced me to have sex with you. Then you called the cops, and the police said I raped you—but I was the...

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.