Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Buffoons may have serious faces behind their mask!

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

Don’t gobblefunk around with words.

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

You’re right. Realistically, I’m a Ravenclaw.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve been married once and he left and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Like I can’t be vulnerable. Can’t relax. It’s exhausting, always being on the defensive,...

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

That’s where I went to buy my last watch.

We can’t against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises...

Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.

Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.

And you don’t ever have to worry about what I feel. The way I feel about you won’t change. You can do whatever you like to me. You could turn this town to dust, burn...

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn’t happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own...

I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.

Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it’s like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now have a new method with which to beat you up….what was once just...

As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times.

As Confucius once said, “He who does nothing is the one who does nothing.”‘Gabby pondered the words, the furrowed her brow. ‘did Confucius really say that?’Sunglasses in place, Stephanie managed the tiniest of shrugs. ‘No,...

If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would’ve put our mouths on the side of our heads.

What’s that?” he asked, when I stood beside him again.”Halos,” I said with a grin. “For heavenly creatures like us.””That might be a stretch.

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as...

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

A rich man’s joke is always funny

All the letters from A to Z couldn’t express what you mean to me. Not without cloning them and using some over and over

i like it because it is so funny and harry is so rude and but sometime he ca be nice to people.

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

Austin sounds a little bit like Aston Martin, which is the type of car James Bond would drive.

The value of me is equal to 5097033198, but also 3051982. The first is my phone number, and the second is my birthday. I assign values to people. My fifth grade bus driver had a...

There is in every village a torch- the schoolteacher; and an extinguisher: the priest.

If you’re a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake.

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the...