That’s not even a word,” He complained and fell into a sulky silence from his place on the bed.

Sweetie, this is Hell. We invented paperwork.

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

What I’d like to read is a scientific review, by a scientific psychologist–if any exists–of ‘A Scientific Man and the Bible’. By what route do otherwise sane men come to believe such palpable nonsense? How...

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

Jewelry takes people’s minds off your wrinkles

IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I’LL KILL YOU, HARRY!

It’s not because I want to make out with her.”Hold on.” He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he’d just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at...

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

He thought it was kind of funny. He said he’s known now. I told him he could probably go to Hollywood now and become a movie star.

GOD. Sometimes I think there might be a god out there, and that every once in a while he tunes in to see what we’re up to, and have a good laugh at how we...

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.

That cat doesn’t have a lick of sense,’ I said, sighing.Well, honey, he’s not right in the head,’ Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.I glared at him. ‘And just what do you...

Are you wearing space pants?” Miranda asked him.”What?”How did it end? oh, right. “Because your butt is fine.”He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. “I think-”...

A brick could be used to wade into dangerous territory with a man named Wade who builds houses made only of wood. But if you’re going to play with fire, I suggest you wear a...

I should have to get over my aversion to killing people.” -Rupert and Daphne

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second!

Sim sighed. “like Ross always said: Wish in one hand,shit in the other,and see which hand fills up first.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn’t have...

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.

A text pops up on the screen. It’s from Luis. I can’t help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.Luis: Hey

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

Cowboy!” she hollered.Every man on the street turned to stare at her.”–pg.117

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

Yes, I know,” Isadora said, and then read her poem, leaning forward so Carmelita Spats would not overhear:”I would rather eat a bowl of vampire batsthan spend an hour with Carmelita Spats.”The Baudelaires giggled and...

It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

Okay, I’ll wear the Bite Me shirt,[…]It’ll be my standard response to any­one who tries to hit on me.” I giggle. “Someone can come up and be like ‘Hey babe, what’s your sign?’ and I’ll...

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

I’d die for your sins, but I’d probably enjoy them first

U.S. Presedent Barack Sadam Husene Obame sit in the darkened Oval Ofice at 2 a.m. wearing hes traditienel Kenyan roabe.He take one last bite of the Chicago style deep dish pizza that he has flown...

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only...

When Matthew merely stared at him, Jackson reached into the weapon box and pulled out a sheathed machete, handing it to the boy.Matthew laughed and dropped it.

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

Everything’s amazing right now, and nobody’s happy.

I’m really proud of this team. It’s not easy to go 16-0. The ball can take some funny bounces some times. But for the most part we’ve hit, pitched and defended pretty well.

He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, “Do you think I...

You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother....

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

Beatrix wished she were a swooning sort of female. It seemed the only appropriate response to the situation.Unfortunately, no matter how she tried to summon a swoon, her mind remained intractably conscious.