This situation was a heart attack waiting to happen. He just knew it. The stress of the job, now this. Yep, he was going to keel over. He could see the writing on his tombstone...

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You’re not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in...

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?” And Grandpa Nate answered, “Why don’t you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over...

Ready?” Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand.”How about we start with a...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Sikujui. Lakini naamini hungependa kuishi maisha yako hapa duniani bila kuacha urithi au kumbukumbu ya aina yoyote katika jamii.

I am who I say I am,I’m not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am...

Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as...

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease...

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

I wish I could believe that one person could make a difference.

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

She’s cute, I thought, but you don’t need to like a girl who treats you like you’re ten: You’ve already got a mom.

It’s just so sad what we’re willing to do for the Joey Spinellis of the world, you know?The mutilating, the tweezing, the enhancing, the plumping, the pinching, the waxing, the starving, the sweating, the bleaching....

Well… you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy...

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard…

I’d like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get a taste of his thoughts” -Warm Bodies

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than the war.[Apology to the international anti-submarine committee for being absent from several meetings during...

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

I hope not. It’s a girl.

A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’re busy selling pepper to the salty and sweaty workers, I’ll be selling them bottled water.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?

But I’m thinking of changing the name to the Den of Iniquity and getting some exotic dancers. You know, strippers.”Miss Maureen’s eyes widened, pencil-thin brows nearly reaching the salt and pepper curls falling onto her...

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

Well, Nero,” Genghis said, “I just wanted to give you this rose-a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!””Oh, thank you,” Nero said, taking the rose out of Genghis’s...

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

He stood and looked at me for a moment, taking in my outfit. “You look hot.””What? Me?” I stammered, completely flummoxed.”Yeah,” he said, still looking at me.”Oh. Um, thank you. I mean, not that you...

A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving and never arriving. I’m like that too, except I’m always arriving and never...

When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a...

It’s a sweet setup, I’ll admit. For all that the maids STILL show up each day with jumbo crucifixes, jumpy movements, and red eyes from crying over the short straw that drew them vampire duty.’...

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

Well Connor thought ruefully At least now I know who to thank for my anger issues.

A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself.

Just shut up and talk. – Shella

A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only question is, Which end will you insert? If you’re a politician, I’d recommend...

I had a dream about you. I licked your cone of ice cream. It was envelope flavored.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

In the cool dark basement, she whispers, “It’s not Ralph, is it?”Cabel’s quiet for a moment, as if he’s thinking, “You mean like Forever Ralph? Uh, no.””You’ve read Forever?” Janie is incredulous. “There wasn’t much...

On the board was a list of words and phrases which her mother considered not suitable for use in college T-shirt design. She had been asked about them so often that in the end she...

I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy.

Dirt and sweat. Very sexy.