The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in...

I feel really grateful that I am in comedy, and I love doing it.

I’m never going to say, ‘Well, I’m never going to do comedy again.’ I love comedies, and it’s what people know me for, so I love doing it… I don’t really think about it in...

Don’t do anything stupid.”Don’t worry,’ I whispered over the line, ‘I’m an expert on stupid.”You’re…”Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can...

I don’t drink to make others look better, I just drink to make myself feel prettier.

Bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, naked bride of Beimerstetten,” and he imagines a procession of proud military men blowing trumpets as they stomp through a bomb-devastated town to the tune of...

I want to do drama, light comedy, the whole range.

Warning from the author: “if you’re buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cuss-words as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people...

‘The Simpsons’ is like Charlie Parker or Marlon Brando or Richard Pryor: Comedy couldn’t go back to the way it was after ‘The Simpsons’ came out.

She’s been trapped here for over two thousand years, made to think that she’s an ugly old bird and fooled by some arse wipe into protecting a lump of rock that is perfectly capable of...

Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway.

Maybe we will, and we’ll take the entire comedy industry with us.

Laughter and enjoyment is the key to Entertainment.

Immortality is the new twenty!

The Question is actually the answer

I never was shy, but as far as telling jokes, I’m the worst. I like physical comedy; it’s where I feel comfortable.

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

College wasn’t like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.

Dame Edna is that rarest sighting in our time of the absolute comic, an inspired personification of caprice whose comedy answered the primal call to take the audience for a tumble.

They’re so broke that they’ve actually cut essential services. In many places, they’ve cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it’s much more fun watching something burn down.

Stubble or what?” Eyes still closed he chuckled. “I’m not shaving until our parents let us date again.” He kissed my cheek. “What if it takes… a… while?” I asked struggling to talk. He’d made...

Now, listen Tyler,’ Lara said, feeling a little impatient. She rather liked a cuddle after sex, and a bit of kissing. But a guilt trip was absolutely unacceptable, even if they were lying naked on...

Was that tragedy? Or was that comedy? Was there really any difference?

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

If you don’t hire me, it doesn’t matter anywayBut if you hire me, the answers are all classified

What’s happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of ‘home’ with the possibility of ‘an investment opportunity’. What kind of creature wants to live in an ‘investment opportunity’? Only...

In every tragedy, an element of comedy is preserved. Comedy is just tragedy reversed.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

The Element of Surprise is their in every day,It’s when you wake up.

A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa.

All Internet comedy is niche comedy. If you do an Internet video about Halo, every Halo fan will send it to every other Halo fan. But if you did an episode of a network comedy...

Where have all the Fembots gone?

That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?

Here’s the thing about Jews in Hollywood. Not to stereotype, but the Jews I know here are the funniest, most self-deprecating people I know. And it’s rare to find a Jew that is actually offended...

I’m not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: ‘STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after...

I.O. was kind of like comedy high school. Everybody knows each other, dated each other, performed together, lived together – so there’s a lot of history among a lot of people.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of...

I fart in your general direction.

Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.