Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.

You barbarians!’ he yelled. ‘I’ll sue the council for every penny it’s got! I’ll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled…until…until…until…until you’ve had enough.’Ford was running after him. Very very fast.’And then...

I’d say I’ve gone to grad school for comedy being on ‘Community.’

Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! – The Credit Repair...

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.

Have a pleasant evening with your cows.”Cows?She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting....

It could be worse… It could be raining

VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!

It’s early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I’m thankful. I’m happy. My cup runneth over. Now there’s coffee everywhere.

People who do comedy are always underrated because they make it look so easy.

There’s something about courting the darkness that makes some people see the truth in raw, twisted ways, as though they were shining a black light on life to illuminate the absurdity of it all. Comics...

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

If you don’t hire me, it doesn’t matter anywayBut if you hire me, the answers are all classified

What’s happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of ‘home’ with the possibility of ‘an investment opportunity’. What kind of creature wants to live in an ‘investment opportunity’? Only...

In every tragedy, an element of comedy is preserved. Comedy is just tragedy reversed.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

The Element of Surprise is their in every day,It’s when you wake up.

A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa.

All Internet comedy is niche comedy. If you do an Internet video about Halo, every Halo fan will send it to every other Halo fan. But if you did an episode of a network comedy...

Where have all the Fembots gone?

That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?

What was it with evildoers trying to hire my boyfriend as a mercenary?

DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won’t go free.APOLLORelax, I’m not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you’re...

I’d have to say that my favorite kind of film is serious comedy. Comedy with serious underpinning. ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ is like that. That’s my fave genre, if I had to pick one.

There are some actresses that can’t do comedy; it’s too heavy-handed.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

Kalist is in his office with the door shut, secretly adding the final touches to his new Brichacek doll; she’s got rosy, plaster cheeks and his nose hairs for pubes, although he thinks he might...

Never second guess yourself. Or do, maybe. Whatever you feel good about.

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It’s like he was raised by giraffes or something.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

I love making people laugh. I’m not scared to do much of anything. It’s definitely physical comedy with me. I think it’s funny. I love it. I’m not afraid to laugh at myself, and I...

’30 Rock’ is the holy grail of comedy in my opinion.

It seemed to us that all people to a greater or lesser degree belong to one of these two types, that almost every one of us resembles either Don Quixote or Hamlet.

COMEDIAN: […] What is it you do for a living?HECKLER: I mind my own business.COMEDIAN: Self-employed, eh? No really, what do you do?HECKLER: I try not to “do.

Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to...

My father hired you to protect me,” Ahmed said, “not to go off chasing men.” Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. “We think this guy killed Fred.” “Who’s Fred?” “My uncle,” I...

I’m 30, it’s Christmas, and I’m a writer without a job. I sit hereengulfed in a furious fit of frustration. My future unknown. Mynuts so small you could fit them in a gnat’s navel and...

hi my name is luke, it rhymes with puke!