Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

So…Now that we got that over with, let’s get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight…Love. With a capital L, he clarified.Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know...

You know,” Kavita begins, “I think I can pick out my own furniture. I am an artist after all. I do have some taste.””No you don’t.” Nick plainly states. “No man has taste. Besides, I...

Love is as we will it to be.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.

I went from an unemployed actor’s life to doing stand-up comedy, and that was fortuitous. It’s not the usual way the crow flies, going from being in a TV sketch show to playing one of...

Baumauer secretly fears Kalist – and Kalist knows it.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

I am a huge fan of the show, and I’m very picky with my comedy. I don’t get to do comedy very often, and when they asked me, I jumped at the opportunity. I was...

Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all.

At the Beginning there was Incomplete information,then belief and then an abstract idea but if you reach Pure reasoning then you start to understand the dualities of life itself.The sunset,the sunrise;A star from approximately 93...

I would love to do more family comedy.

The first comedy screenplay that I wrote was Animal House and I always thought I could and should be a director but no one was about to give me that opportunity on Animal House.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That’s when you throw change on sluts.

I’m starved.” -Juli”How can you be starved? You just ate a huge bowl of popcorn.” -Elspeth”Popcorn isn’t food, it’s popcorn.” -Vicki

He had to die someday too. He might do it on sheets with a six-hundred-plus thread count, but he’d die just the same. Death wouldn’t forget about him.

I enjoy having fun with our history. You’ve got to have comedy, you’ve got to have drama and it all has to take place in a two and one-half hour period, with an intermission,

… Corellian curses being a synergistic blend of vulgarity, obscenity, and outright blasphemy that were the only things really worth saying when one was in the middle of being blown to monatomic dust.

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get...

I would like to explore comedy more. It’s not something that I’ve done a lot of. Obviously, I’m very at home in drama. I like everything.

Stay away from her.””Okay.””Keep your hands off her.””I’ll try.”He scowled at me.”I will,” I said.

Well, possibly,” I said, feeling my lips twitch again. “But maybe first you would tell us why you chose to manifest yourself in the form of Shirley Temple as last seen on the ‘Good Ship...

There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul’s apartment overlooks the park… and is obviously more expensive than mine.

vote early vote often

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

The TSA confused a bottle of perfume with a hand grenade. Talk about an embarrassing mistake – everybody knows perfume is far more lethal.

Secret 9.6. When writing a contact report, the term ‘intense vocalization’ should be used in place of words like ‘moan,’ ‘pant’ and ‘sigh.

I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

Kiss the girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.

Don’t touch me – I don’t know where I’ve been.

You and I are saying the same thing, you’re just adding an extra ‘not’ at the beginning.

Flattery will get me nowhere? That’s a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked

Outwardly, I hope, I wear my usual mask of detachment, even irony, for there has never been a situation,however dire, even this one, that did not strike me as containing at least some element of...

Nobody who is a Penn & Teller fan thinks of us first and foremost as magicians, but as a comedy team.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two...

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with ‘I can’t believe...

There are 3 reasons for why you can’t beat me. First, I’m better looking than you are. Second, your blows are too light. And third, there’s nothing in the world I can’t tear up.

I didn’t wait for Luck. I raced after it with a truck.

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead

He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.

An overnight bag with the company logo – a white silhouette of a finch (which once perched on the curved back of a stallion representing cofounder, Orwell, but has now been ‘adjusted’) – sits motionless...

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. “Yum,” she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. “It’s made with tofu.”I can’t resist. “Free-range tofu?”My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes...

If you knew how many hidden depths I had your pretty eyes would pop right out of your winsome face. Not literally of course – that would be disgusting. I wouldn’t envy the man who...

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. –Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical