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Comedy  Quotes
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help.” Rhoan”Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I’m totally serious.” Riley

—Keri Arthur

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Comedy
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Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

—The Covert

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

—Tim Allen

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AnarchistComedyUltimate
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Any game plan? (Xypher)Don’t die. (Sin)I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. (Xypher)

—Sherrilyn Kenyon

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Comedy
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Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

—Steve Martin

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ComediansComedyComedy-Humor
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A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

—St John

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ComedyHumourNon-Sequitur
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Don Pedro – (…)’In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.’Benedick – The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my...

—William Shakespeare

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ComedyHumourSingle-Life
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Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

—Wes Locher

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AnecdoteComedyEssay
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No,’ the professor replied. ‘Her Majesty s alive and well – at least I assume so if she hasn’t met a certain van driver from Yeovil.’ ~Professor Hamilton

—Bryan Davis

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ComedyHumor
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The only way to get the ending you want is to write your own story.

—Ashley Ford

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AuthorComedyDramedy
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Smile, it’s the second best thing youcan do with your lips.

—Adesh Ranjan

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Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of it—he’s a widower now, so they can ride off together into the sunset, their wedding rings glinting.

—Brenda Joyce

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ComedyLoveMarriage
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Heads swivel. Whispers erupt. As Kalist returns to his desk, bone cane by his side, he indulges, briefly, in horse practice, neighing lightly as he scrolls through a few mental images of busty secretary, Geiger,...

—Carla H. Krueger

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Adult-FictionAnti-UtopiaBad-Manager
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Obelmäker is eating at his desk, a habit both Baumauer and Pissec find repulsive.

—Carla H. Krueger

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Adult-FictionAnti-UtopiaBad-Manager
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I sat down on the sofa, surrounded by years of coffee rings and sandwich stains. If the police ever did a DNA test on this sofa, it would be ninety per cent disappointment.

—Danny Wallace

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ComedyLoveMundane-Reality
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I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

—Graham Chapman

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There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world.

—Hillary DePiano

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ComedyHappinessLaughter
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A história de todas as grandes civilizações galácticas tende a passar por três fases distintas e identificáveis: a da Sobrevivência, a da Interrogação e a da Sofisticação, também conhecidas pelas fases Como, Porquê e Onde....

—Douglas Adams

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1979ComedyDouglas-Adams
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I wasn’t necessarily looking to do comedy on TV, but I don’t think it’s an accident that I ended up on ‘Community.’

—Gillian Jacobs

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ComedyCommunityLooking
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Credit Acts into Action.” – The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company’s Secret Weapon.

—Cornelius J.

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ComedyCreditCredit-Bureau
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This is what my high school life had become—a horror show of epic, mind-fuck proportions.

—G.G. Silverman

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ComedyFunnyHorror
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Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

—Dave Turner

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ComedyHow-To-Be-DeadHumour
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The elements are a way to define what abstract is; and abstract is a taught as like any other than ,what to think? and how to think? and you may begin..

—Jerril Thomas

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BiographyBrainBrave
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It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

—Jonas Eriksson

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CelebrityComedyHollywood
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It’s a comedy. It’s a guy falling off a stool, and everybody thinks a guy falling off a stool is funny.

—Michael Mabbott

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Comedy
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Fat One” no matter how great he was, and even though they didn’t know at theirage that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he’d make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin...

—Mindy Kaling

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ComedyHumorIdeal-Man
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Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

—Kathy Griffin

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ComedyFeminismHumor
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You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.

—John Madden

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ComedyFootballFunny
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Squiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?”Oh, rather!”What do you do about it?”I generally take a couple of cocktails.

—P.G. Wodehouse

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AlcoholAlcohol-AddictionComedy
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You scream like a leettle girl.

—Julia Quinn

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ComedyCousinsHumor
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Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we’d have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage.

—John Zakour

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ComedyFantasyHumor
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Successfully resisted a honeypot approach by Russian intelligence. One lingering concern: how did the Russians find out I like honey?

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Before we left home, my hair had already started to fall apart. I decided to pull it into a bun high on my head and attach one of those fake hair things that look like...

—Mollie Gross

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I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the swimsuit issue for free.

—John Alejandro King

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Is the line between the essential and the peripheral essential or peripheral?

—John Alejandro King

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Vulcan Dis of the Week: Perhaps, t’hy’la, you should perform a mind meld on yourself, in order to determine what the bogozh you’re thinking.

—John Alejandro King

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Director’s cut? Let’s hope it’s a major artery.

—John Alejandro King

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While my radar gently beeps.

—John Alejandro King

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A stone trips you. A daisy reaches up and pulls you down.

—John Alejandro King

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Hi Maggie, it’s nice to see you again,’ he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

—Molly Harper

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ComedyContemporary-RomanceWerewolves
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My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

—John Alejandro King

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Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he’s got, drive him out of the...

—Stewart Lee

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ComedyHumour
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You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha

—Sitta Karina

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ChrisComedyHumor
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Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

—Sol Luckman

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ComedyFunnyHate
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I think most of my tastes were British, as far as comedy went, when I was growing up.

—Scott Adsit

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ComedyFarGrowing
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A lot of people do comedy about India, but they’re not from India. It’s a Kwik-E-Mart perspective. I want to provide a genuine view and maybe one on how we see the West.

—Vir Das

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ComedyMaybeView
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Now, this is where I draw the line! It’s bad enough everybody in town’s going to be thinkin’ I’m sleeping with a depressed, lice-ridden, hemorrhoidal foreigner who likes to be tied up and might be...

—Susan Elizabeth Phillips

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ComedyContemporaryRomance
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I like to see love stories: romantic comedy or romantic drama.

—Pia Zadora

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Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.

—Zack Love

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BooksComedyDating
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