The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

SpookSpeak. Douche diligence n. (CIA) Investigation and assessment performed prior to recommending a potential intelligence asset for recruitment.

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

Love? Love is for children and poor people…

All my memories seem to happen to music. Memories of my mother and father; waking up early on Christmas morning; the little apartment we lived in above the disco.

The only way I can make a Jim Carrey face is through Novocain at the dentist ‘ s office.

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy’Albert Einstein

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

‘Monty Python’ and ‘The Simpsons’ have ruined comedy for writers for the rest of our lives.

Anybody with a sharp brain and a mic can become a comedian, but there’s a need to move beyond it. The audience wants to witness the marriage of theatre, comedy and something more.

One always writes comedy at the moment of deepest hysteria.

right” because I can predict crazy because I have been trained in the unpredictable nature of consistent craziness because I am crazy.

But despite these and many other differences, Evan and Heeb had become close friends – an improbability that could have been produced only by the even greater improbabilities that brought them together.

I’m standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”....

Doing comedy for a living is, in a lot of ways, like a pony and a camel trying to escape from the zoo. It’s a ridiculous endeavor and has a low probability of success, but...

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.

A black-haired bitch with man’s hands, widow Liza Van der Bruggenziltch-Finch makes all the important decisions. She is a power-hungry dominatrix. Orwell is her slave. (No one ever sees him.)

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle...

If God’s suggesting that I am expected to do good and also obligated to manufacture a genuine desire for it, this boat’s sunk, still sitting on the trailer in the driveway. A stack of things...

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

When you do something unusual, the audience doesn’t 100 percent know what you’re up to in the beginning. And if you’re doing a character comedy, they haven’t learned the characters yet.

Sin and grace, absence and presence, tragedy and comedy, they divide the world between them and where they meet head on, the Gospel happens.

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay–this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could...

You’re a traitor, Meghan’s the Summer princess, and I’m Robin Goodfellow. I’m sure the ranks of Unseelie will just let us waltz right through.

Every time when you think,Think about every first 20 seconds of your best Moments in your life time.

How do i do this?

There is remedy for all things except death – Don Quixote De La Mancha

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.

Sir Eustace was with Royce and Stefan looking over some maps when he was informed by the guard that the ladies were asking for him. “Is there no end to her arrogance!” Royce bit out,...

Because I’m on the phone, Mom!””Fooling around with your friends again! Who is that?””Ahmadinejad.””Oh, my goodness! What is he saying?””That he wants to see Jeezy at the Beacon tonight. Putin’s going too. He scalped a...

I’m holding a super-expandable energy-powered towel. I’ve made friends with space hamsters. I think we’ve stretched believability rather far, don’t you?

There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed.

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn’t come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a...

Anything worth doing’ is a problematic premise.

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

Not knowing is more than half the battle. – National Clandestine Service motto

Angry poor people are ‘enraged.’ Angry rich people are ‘livid.

SpookSpeak. Agent n. The average of a double agent and no agent at all.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves’s British accent and Gary Oldman’s elderly Count...

Could I have the whole kit, but none of the caboodle?

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

lol christine lyf

It’s comedy with a universal appeal with a Latin flavor.

At the last moment, she remembered that her Master might be watching her and, knowing that good girls bend at the knees while bad girls bend at the waist, she picked up the cigar butt,...