Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

I like to watch the news, because I don’t like people very much and when you watch the news … if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the...

Even when I go do comedy stuff live, I can still feel the drummer in me about to go onstage.

You are a manipulator.I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer.

… the preacher speaks both the word of tragedy and the word of comedy because they are both of them the truth and because Jesus speaks them both…

I don’t know what it must be like to be a writer in general, but to be a comedy writer, it’s got to be something – it’s a very special kind of talent.

Hagyj csak most békét, aki kettőt boncol, Az alaposan egynek sem felel meg. És innen jő a félszeg művelődés. Aki csizmát varr, az csiríz legyen Utósó ízeig, mi gondja másra. Ki a holdat kutatja, e...

And okay, fine. If you have to kiss her, you have to kiss her. And believe me, I do not envy you. That’s taking one for the team a little far. I mean, I think...

Time is going really faster than you think. That second just passed now, get up, pack the bag, get lost…

A comedy that has been divide in two can never be Restored

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

I didn’t grow up in a Norman Rockwell house… my house was more akin to Norman Lear.

I feel people desperately want a laugh and what I offer them is optimistic comedy. Unlike some comics, I don’t tell them what a rotten world it is. I say life is fabulous and wonderful...

A lot of people say that comedy doesn’t travel well. I found it very accessible.

Taking his hand I said “Fank woo.””Hm ” he laughed with his mouth closed.

People from different cultures have different definitions for beauty. Isn’t that sad to judge others with our standards… rather than appreciate them?

Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

The FDA has announced that women deserve the same sexual rights as men. Insert ironic comment into any willing orifice.

Secret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

Either every robot can dance the robot, or no robot can.

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

Remember when the question ‘Ginger or Mary Ann’ had nothing to do with who would be the last surviving cast member?

If the criteria was whether it demanded a cash bribe, what data wouldn’t be considered corrupted?

Secret 89.487. Transparent is the new black.

Whoever said “The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun” never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

I didn’t set out to be a villain in film. I’m a character actor, and if my first movie was a comedy, I could have played a geek just as well.

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

Nobody touches my ding dongs!

I have a rule – ‘funny is funny!’ When I write comedy, it’s not my aim to upset people. I will be offensive, edgy and immature, but I will also be very intelligent and relevant....

I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD.

QUINCEFrancis Flute, the bellows-mender.FLUTEHere, Peter Quince.QUINCEFlute, you must take Thisby on you.FLUTEWhat is Thisby? a wandering knight?QUINCEIt is the lady that Pyramus must love.FLUTENay, faith, let me not play a woman; I have a beard...

I am a playwright who does not write comedies, or tragedies.

What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey

People are meant to be certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy.

It’s like George always says: being in a rock ʼn’ roll band is very sexy, even when you’re only the keyboard player and your idea of the perfect Saturday night actually amounts to a bubble...

You need a father figure in your life.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

When life throws shit at you, grow great, big, fuck off roses.

Live a life abundant in love and rich in spirit, these are the seeds of a fulfilling existence. Be the safe harbor you seek in the world. Follow your dreams, not your fear. Go into...

The story is uneven in its progression.

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren’t we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?’ he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. ‘A...

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

I feel like a part of me is gone, too. We were a comedy team and I was proud to be his straight man. He was a wonderful comedian. Underrated, really.

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.