Charles Schultz: Don’t be afraid the world will end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.The Covert Comic: I’ve been calling Australia all morning, and there’s no answer.

Everything about the man spoke of virility–his quick reaction, his calm control now that danger had passed. And she’d never seen a man wield a gun in real life–it was kind of a turn-on to...

You could say there was a surfeit of rich comedy that year. The winner was Daniel Kitson and – just to illustrate how strong it was – Jimmy Carr came second. Any other year the...

All You Need Is Love” in homage to their memory.

A tragedy is a tragedy, and at the bottom, all tragedies are stupid. Give me a choice and I’ll take A Midsummer Night’s Dream over Hamlet every time. Any fool with steady hands and a...

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant...

You must be clever, Tracey to do these forgeries.””She’s not clever. I did them,” yelled Frieda.”You’ll get five years.””She did them.”From Halfpennies and Blue Vinyl

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

penilosophy.

A farce or comedy is best played; a tragedy is best read at home.

Once bitten twice shy? Sure, but… why not get a bigger dog and bite them back?

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

Stop flirting,” he tells her, but he looks at her breasts and thinks, The girls with the bruises in the sex films are just dead dolls, but this pretty toy is alive.

Obelmäker is a deeply fearful person and terribly indecisive. Even when he makes a choice, it’s usually bad.

When men were ready to marry, look out. Their evolution busted out all over. They nabbed the closest female hanging out near their caves, anyone who looked like she would clean his woolly mammoth tunics...

I’m making a list of when it’s acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I’ve got: one – when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two – when singing a shanty that reminds...

The Doctrine is the Ecstasy

To be honest, I’m a little tired of playing bad guys. I long to do a comedy. But it was fun knocking Indiana Jones around.

You just make sure you don’t screw it up. It’s going to work as long as you don’t mess it up. Hopefully you have plenty of those moments in a big comedy.

It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true.

‘Wayne’s World’ is my all time favorite comedy. I used to watch it on VHS on repeat with my brother when I was ten years old.

The first thing you lose when you die is your motor skills.

I am a wild orchid of comedy, so I can only do well under specific conditions… There are people who I think can do any room, and do stadiums and thousand-seat theaters, and then there...

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take...

Success=Assinchair

Think like a middle-aged man with OCD, a dead wife, and a teenage daughter.Think like a woman with three teenage sons who once ran a golf cart into the side of their granddad’s house.””Cameron and...

I don’t like this.””I know you don’t, my little spaetzel. But I am too worn out to run from both the police and your murderous twin, and Damian’s looking peaky, plus Christian did apologize for...

I think that… I would say that sometimes people get afraid of when you’re balancing comedy and drama.

I can’t think of anyone who knew how to play comedy better.

In the final analysis, it’s even money whether they’ll use the phrase ‘in the final analysis.

I refuse to be just another statistic. I’m empowering myself to be an informed, assertive, beautiful statistic!

Desperate measures call for desperate times.

My biggest regret as a CIA officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I just wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

Secret 83919240. Money is the poot of all evil.

Don’t show me the before and after. Show me the before before and after after.

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

Secret 1.4. The real question isn’t whether you’re cleared for top secret, it’s whether you’re cleared for unclassified.

I mean, I know it can be done, but no one has ever asked me to do it before. Plus, I have a reputation to uphold. This is Beverly Hills. The last thing I need...

Well, bloody noses.” I hug his coat tighter. “Those are definitely hot.

It may be that The Great Gatsby is as perfect, word for word, just in terms of English; but Ulysses is deeper, richer, wider – and is comic, whereas The Great Gatsby is a tragic...

Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn’t an option anymore.

I’ve done a lot of work other than sci-fi, and between half-hour comedy, stage, and various movie roles, I’ve really tried to avoid being typecast.

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

You know when you send a text message to someone and you don’t get a response right away, you feel depressed? You send a text message to someone you really like and you get a...

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you’re improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we’re improvising and I say,...

That’s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

To be honest, I don’t know how comedy works.