Use Jesus Motor Fuel—Put a savior in your tank!

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it…try to fake three laughs in an hour — ha ha ha ha ha — they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.

I hate McDonald’s. I don’t want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown’s mouth. If I want my face in a clown’s mouth, I’ll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a...

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

Son,” he said, “you monkeyed up.

I ground my teeth. “Just when I thought I was getting a handle on this whole Dark One/demon lord/imp thing, you go and throw knockers into the mix. I’m going to have to request that...

I will say you could always look at ‘Looney Tunes’ and learn about writing. I think you can learn a lot about the beats of comedy. I think you can find out about awkward pauses,...

The best protection against identity theft is bad credit

Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

Scaling doesn’t scale.

It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

If the CIA isn’t a force for truth, what is it good for? (Truth, I mean, not the CIA.)

Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

Birds don’t sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.

Secret 2791716. You can only scandalize people on their own terms.

Death is complicated.”-Johann Kraus

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

Cause if you shoot a bullet someone dies. If you drop a bomb many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the F-word… nothing actually happens.

THAT’S IT!” Terminus cried. “That’s AGAINST THE RULES!”Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. “What are you?” he growled. “Shut up!”He pushed the statue over and turned back to...

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

To Fred, those years seemed to pass like quickly skimming a book and then finding the ending wasn’t what he expected. He wished he’d paid more attention to the story.

That night’s show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience “didn’t want to see a sketch with two women” can go shit in...

I never want readers to be comfortable, to feel like we’re in a comedy or a drama. Life is never just one of those things. Life is a balance of all those things.

So you want me to go to a human orgy, where I will not be welcome, and you want us to leave before I get to enjoy myself? ~Eric Northman

under the gold standard, a free banking system stands as the protector of an economy’s stability and balanced growth… The abandonment of the gold standard made it possible for the welfare statists to use the...

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon’s downpour would have made the slate tiles so...

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

I like to watch the news, because I don’t like people very much and when you watch the news … if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the...

Even when I go do comedy stuff live, I can still feel the drummer in me about to go onstage.

You are a manipulator.I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer.

… the preacher speaks both the word of tragedy and the word of comedy because they are both of them the truth and because Jesus speaks them both…

I don’t know what it must be like to be a writer in general, but to be a comedy writer, it’s got to be something – it’s a very special kind of talent.

Hagyj csak most békét, aki kettőt boncol, Az alaposan egynek sem felel meg. És innen jő a félszeg művelődés. Aki csizmát varr, az csiríz legyen Utósó ízeig, mi gondja másra. Ki a holdat kutatja, e...

And okay, fine. If you have to kiss her, you have to kiss her. And believe me, I do not envy you. That’s taking one for the team a little far. I mean, I think...

Time is going really faster than you think. That second just passed now, get up, pack the bag, get lost…

A comedy that has been divide in two can never be Restored

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

I didn’t grow up in a Norman Rockwell house… my house was more akin to Norman Lear.

I feel people desperately want a laugh and what I offer them is optimistic comedy. Unlike some comics, I don’t tell them what a rotten world it is. I say life is fabulous and wonderful...

A lot of people say that comedy doesn’t travel well. I found it very accessible.

Taking his hand I said “Fank woo.””Hm ” he laughed with his mouth closed.

People from different cultures have different definitions for beauty. Isn’t that sad to judge others with our standards… rather than appreciate them?

Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

The FDA has announced that women deserve the same sexual rights as men. Insert ironic comment into any willing orifice.

Secret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.