You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this...

You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

God is the supreme uncreated light of which Wisdom is born, but there was never a time when God’s Wisdom did not exist.

I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Job was what you’d technically describe as a loony.

A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future.

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?

My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.

The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?

Put the number seven in front of a mirror and what do you have? If you answered 77, then perhaps you talk to yourself in the mirror, and wait for a response from your reflection....

Somebody should merge motorcycles and toilets. You know, for the lover in all of us, just waiting to be released.

Noon yellow is needed to combat my inner albino. But I prefer spreading my shadow thin like mayonnaise. Ours is a nighttime love.

I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can put our relationship back together. Just pass me the maple syrup.

If swimming in gold were a sport, I’d be the Michael Phelps, and my winning would lead to more winning, as my gold made more gold.

I’ll invite you to try my wedding. Free samples until Tuesday!

I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

The Black-eyed Peasants.

My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.

My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg’s length, right below the knee.

Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient as the government.

When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their panties? (Mail to: Jarod Kintz/12358 Fibonacci Way/Jacksonville, Fl 32258)

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.

My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

This work is the link between my Dear Natalie piece and my upcoming Agatha work. It bridges that lapse in time and shows how my thinking has changed. It shows me telling a story through...

Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m a bring my own garden kind of lover.

An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

A watched pot never boils…. but it does develop paranoia

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

I can’t fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

Never was a cornflake girl;Thought it was a good solution: hanging with the raisin girls.

We call love what binds us to certain creatures only by reference to a collective way of seeing for which books and legends are responsible.

2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.

There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.

I farted five fingers of happy. It was a hot hello.

My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t know how to tie a noose. I’m making meatloaf on a stick if...

I suppose Orafoura was right about the vagina. It is such a wonderful spot to vacation. I’d recommend taking the whole family.

When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves....

Some people don’t have a lick of common sense. I don’t have a lick of a lollipop. But I do have love on the tip of my tongue, so that’s good.

I’m offering you love on a stick. If you’d like, you can grab it to go. It’s like a popsicle, only it won’t melt if you put it through hell like you did with you...

I’m in the bovine department. That’s where I’ll see a cow wearing a leather jacket. It’s so cold here that I can almost see Putin’s nipples.