I hold the biscuits in front of his face and he stands up.”What do I have to do?” he says.”Nothing,” I say. “They’re for you.””Are they poisoned?” he says.”No,” I say.”Eat one,” he says.So I...

The engine of my car is so powerful I could wash dishes under the hood. But that’d be pretty absurd, since I keep the dishwasher in the trunk.

In business I play hardball, because softball is for high school girls. People don’t know I used to be a pitcher. I was full of water, until my ex wife poured it all out.

Being born with a sickly resemblance to Henry Fonda was the first of a long series of practical jokes of which destiny was to make Major Major the unhappy victim throughout his joyless life. Being...

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts in your mouth

Many years later when I began training as a plastic surgeon, I understood something that I had not that day in the kitchen arguing for Thalia to leave Tinos for the boarding school. I learned...

The fact would seem to be, if in my situation one may speak of facts, not only that I shall have to speak of things of which I cannot speak, but also, which is even...

[Waiting for Godot] has achieved a theoretical impossibility—a play in which nothing happens, that yet keeps audiences glued to their seats. What’s more, since the second act is a subtly different reprise of the first,...

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. “Oy!” yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. “There’s a fackin’ queue!”Never apologize, advises Lloyd George....

Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I’m not Martha proof—I’m merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my...

My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a...

It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.

I was half asleep when I first saw her. She thought I was being flirty and winking at her. One eye open, one eye shut, that’s the best way to see love.

I am the All Three Cats of love, and if you had to choose, you’d be wise to pick the middle one.

Be honest because you stole it, not because blue/green/yell a little yellow. Dandelions just don’t meow like regular lions.

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

My response landed me in hot water. A dirty dish also landed in hot water. If I weren’t such a raging feminist, maybe I’d buy a dishwater instead of scrubbing them all by hand.

Nine times out of ten I left one out. But the one I leave out is never love. I always put love in—even when I put it in your butt.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty.

Dear Mary Duende, It’s freezing here in the trenches, but loneliness is colder than any hyperthermia. Gunshots and shrapnel have become my companions. But life is better now than it was when I was at...

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

Dear Edmond,While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your...

My love is three times as deep as you voted for. You thought it was two feet deep, but it’s six feet deep, like a grave.

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy.

Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit’ Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh’ babushki. (I’d wear Moscow as pants for you, like a...

Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen.

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

I’m too two for my taste. I want to be more one, more of a winner. If I start thinking like a champion, maybe I’ll start cheating like one.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

I have a keen sense of the oblivious

You keep seeing your picture on posters that you are missing but you’re not. That’d be weird, right? Or say you look down at the sidewalk and earthworms are spelling your name. Or you open...

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom…and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y’know.

No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!” the man yelled. “Really?” said Vimes. “What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?””What?””Oh, you’d like something simpler?

Humans are creatures, who spent their lifes trying to convince themselves, that their existence is not absurd

He had too much to think about. In the course of his long, useless marches he had sunk deeper and deeper into the tangle of his botched life as into a clump of brambles, and...

My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?

The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there and drank Gatorade. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.

When all else fails, there’s always delusion.

You know what’s a chain reaction? The direct relationship between how fast I pedal, and how fast my bicycle travels. I’m the kind of lover who notices the small details, like the fact that my...

I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.

1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.

I was on my way to being on my way when I noticed a rainbow. That’s when I got out my fishing net to try to catch some trout.