Money can’t buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

The wit, wisdom and insights of a different person are often unpalatable, weird and absurd to the senses of many ordinary people.

Absurdity is the ecstasy of intellectualism.

My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

I’m not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.

This city needs a stadium. Where am I supposed to masturbate?

I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall Olympics. They could host it in the spring, when all the lovers will flock to see me preform live for...

I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.

I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat food from a little saucer while you snap off a few pictures of...

I’ve forgotten if I’m a member of the Remember Club, but the memory of my love for her will never fade.

I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor.

I single-handedly lost the clapping competition. After that nobody wanted to co-clap with me, so I got zero high-fives.

Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming.

You’ll know I’ve gone into ninja mode because I’ll have turned out the light. I make love like an assassin, and if you hear me snoring, I’m only pretending to be asleep! All love is...

Left-handed and eyes closed, it’s how I masturbate—while driving at night. If you want to know how I make love, you’re going to have to pay for admission.

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.

If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love.

I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that to try to save some lives, but then my body relented and I...

I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be confused with being asleep.

If we were both standing beside Niagara Falls, the only thing you’d be able to hear is the sound of me urinating in a pitcher of lemonade. Gorgeous scenery is great and all, but I’ve...

He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want money. I told him agriculture won’t put food on my table.

If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I...

I am the ghost in the empty jar. My silence belongs in the cemetery, just like all my ex girlfriends. Long live love!

Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug!

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy… with polio.

Take from the church the miraculous, the supernatural, the incomprehensible, the unreasonable, the impossible, the unknowable, the absurd, and nothing but a vacuum remains.

What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama – Their father can order an assassination, don’t piss him off.

I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.

I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.

Emerald Isle” because there are lots of precious stones found there, such as sapphires and rubies.

Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like an extended blink. That way, if anybody asks if you’ve seen it, and you say No, you fell asleep halfway...

I was too late to be early. Good thing I was on time. And though my I love you was said at the right moment, my aim was off and I hit the wrong person.

I love in all directions, except southeast. Don’t ask me why, because I already told you where. Also, don’t ask me who, because the list of who I love is as long as a phone...

With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of love, and to end world hunger.

To be the best, you have to do what nobody does. And nobody does nothing great anymore, which is why I’ll be great by doing nothing great.

I’m a great dancer, and you can tell because I need to wear a football helmet when I’m feeling the rhythm. It’s not only for my safety, but also that of the safety covering my...

I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers.

My love is colorful, like a rainbow that’s only shades of blue. Monochromatic for monoamor.

I always start peeing when I’m only halfway to the litter box. This eagerness to finish is what probably makes me such a great lover.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

Love is a tomato. And while it’s true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.