We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The I Love Jennifer is a little off-center, but then so am I. Better than being self-centered, as my clone would probably say.

The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.

Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration...

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like...

a lover of love.

She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.

As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you, look no further than the balloon giraffe.

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

I believe there is only one thing to say at this point.”What’s that?”Yee haw,” he said gravely, and took me down like a rodeo calf.

Honey, you’re the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It’ll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler’s birthday

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing.

The humans are dead (I’m glad they are dead)The humans are dead (I noticed, they’re dead)We used poisonous gases (With traces of lead)And we poisoned their asses (Actually, their lungs)Binary solo!0000001, 00000011000000111, 00001111!

It’s so windy tonight the window is rattling. I guess it’s time to turn off my fan and turn on my anti-hurricane machine that’s powered by love.

If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I’ll bet there’d be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them.

Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable.

If you bulk order enough sound, you get a discount by volume. The guys in the warehouse know me by the codename Helen Keller.

Chew on this fact: nine out of ten people step on bubblegum left by either me or my associates. The tenth person couldn’t step on it because he’s handicapped. But he most assuredly rolled over...

Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.

You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk.

If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed.

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

A pancake would make as good of a wheel as I’d make a lover. I would invite you to have a seat on my unicycle, but it’s sticky from maple syrup.

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.

I like wooden shoes—John Wooden. They are better for playing basketball. Nail them to the hardwood floor for increased shooting efficiency.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.

I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails...

I like farm salmon. I like the idea of fish growing on trees.

She said she’s so happy she could fly. I said, I’m glad you find those mechanical bird wings I made out of political rhetoric uplifting.

My joy is that there is no such world at all, but that the substance of life is in everyone! There is no reason to be troubled because we are absurd, is there? For we...

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

Because of the age difference, I assumed they were related, mother/daughter. But they weren’t. They were father/son/possible lovers.

My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office...

I like TV shows that motivate me to want to improve my life, as I sit listless on the sofa hour after hour, night after night. My desire to self-actualize grows with my waistline. If...

I’ve knitted myself a hat, it’s plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it’s spring. I put it on and feel like a...

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

A moment later, the world’s first all-purpose human being strode eastward, whistling.’A tasty world,’ it reflected cheerfully. ‘A very tasty world.”You said it, Cornelius!

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

Stick Boy liked Match Girl,He liked her a lot.He liked her cute figure,he thought she was hot.But could a flame ever burnfor a match and a stick?It did quite literally;he burned up quick.

The absurd does not liberate; it binds. It does not authorize all actions. “Everything is permitted” does not mean that nothing is forbidden.