You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink coffee now and remember the life you haven’t started living yet?

I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker, so for me, prison isn’t such a big deal. A smile extends much...

Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are.

I love coffee, and coffee loves me. You know what else loves me? Hookers in hot paper cups.

If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not one way.

I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.

I soak my white socks in coffee, so I can wear them with brown pants and keep my feet from falling asleep.

I won’t wear my invisible cloak.

I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.

Coffee is made from beans. Burritos also have beans in them, although I’ll admit a burrito isn’t as drinkable as a cup of coffee.

Kevin,” I called dinner.

The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.

Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and loved by all readers. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between, but...

Don’t kill animals! Kill people who kill animals! Those animals must understand that murder will not be tolerated! Also, the animals must understand that murder will not be tolerated!

If you want walking dolphins and talking sandwiches, you’re lucky to have me buying shoes for you—and selling them to you. I’ll give you the best price (for myself), because business is better when love...

When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.

There was fried chicken in the litter box, so I helped myself and took a shit. I am a cat lover and a fan of KFC. I always take mine to go.

It is with great sadness that I blow my nose.

Some people use laughter as a weapon. It’s all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.

My advice for a person who’s just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms…faster.

Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.

I don’t want my love with her to wither like grapes on a vine, so I’ll water it with romance to turn it into wine.

Cats are bundles of cute, wrapped in fur and purrs.

Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go.

You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?

Cap’n is the cuddliest cat this side of the rabbit hole. He’s like a furry lump of clay, because no matter what position you put him in, he’ll stay there and purr and then fall...

I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life lesson for you.

A brick could be used to perpetually feed the hungry, stop all wars, educate the masses, and ensure everlasting peace for all populations throughout time. Wait, I’m sorry, that’s not right. I was confusing a...

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.

I make love like you might make an omelet. At least, I’m hoping you might make an omelet, because I skipped breakfast like a child skips home from the class he just skipped.

The only class I studied religiously was Christianity 101.

Women, who understands them? Not men—and certainly not women. Perhaps only cats do. But who understands cats? Perhaps only Orafoura, the last remaining Cupid and sole savior of earthly love.

I can cook a mean hamburger. I can also cook a rude hamburger, and probably a sarcastic one, depending on how snarky the patty gets.

I was naked, except for two shower caps on my feet. Gotta save water somehow.

I am the perfect snuggling companion. Ask any cat.

True love is rare, like a good steak. Help me cut it up.

In exchange for my silence, I want a box of quiet. Empty—and full. That’s also how I like my morning coffee at night.

Your face influences your life, because it effects how people treat you. Sometimes you don’t have to be king to be treated like royalty—you only have to look like the king.

I passed my past, because if I could get any of it back, I’d only want about a quarterback. That 25% would be the love I had for her, before I fumbled it away.

After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie...

I don’t embark on journeys like the bark of a dog, but more like the bark of a tree. The path to love winds through a densely wooded forest.

Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that.

I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.

I like to fantasize about how far I’ll have come in a year. A year from now, I’ll be 12 months further than where I am today. And the most impressive part is I don’t...

I have a body like a mannequin. I must, because instead of women trying to get me naked, they only want to see me with clothes on.

Books are portable companions. But so are midgets.

If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I’d never get off my ass to change the channel.

Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales.

My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part of some combo meal somewhere.

A hotel is more than bricks and blankets. A hotel is a welcoming atmosphere, and a place to engage in a business transaction with a prostitute.