I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.

If we could all drink ourselves to innocence, I’d be guilty. And I mean that in a way that I don’t mean that.

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.

The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.

The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.

The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?

The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him, and not a result of the stabbing.

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

Your food’s not getting cold. I’m keeping it warm in my stomach. Dinner’s on me tonight.

Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!

I’m probably the best love you’ve never had. And why is that? Oh yeah, because I’m in a relationship with a tall cup of coffee.

Just because your plate is empty, doesn’t mean your stomach is full. Same with love. Where’s the Romance Buffet?

Love is like a spring rain on a sunny September morning. And when I go out on dates, I bring my own jars of pickles. Women probably find it not only practical, but devastatingly sexy.

I drink coffee like I urinate—alone, or in large groups. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret handshake.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti’s not too hot now, if you want to eat it.

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where...

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?

I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.

I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet’s toga.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be...

Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.

Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.

All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.

If I were a shovel salesman, my biggest customers would be murderers. Oh, and spurned lovers trying to bury the past.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.

When you give everything and expect nothing in return, only then will you be in a position to gain anything. When you love loving, you give because giving is getting. Giving is a gift unto...

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

We’re not so different, you and I. Sure, we may have different religious beliefs, political outlooks, sexual orientations, economic viewpoints, and artistic/literary/culinary tastes, but deep down we both want the same thing: To be loved...

I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m not anorexic or illiterate, so alphabet soup is like a nourishing novel. An...

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM.

Water is central to Jacksonville, and natives think of rivers as roads. Why, just the other day I was driving on the interstate, and I was being tailgated by a lunatic in a canoe. So...

Hate.

The way my vacuum cleaner sucks up cat hair, I shouldn’t have been surprised when it huffed up my mustache. But I was surprised it sucked out all the love and romance in our relationship.

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

I had a dream about you. We were checking in to a haunted hotel, and you said you forgot your toothbrush. I told you my left pants pocket was empty if you wanted to clean...

When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.

The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar?

I think I’ll help myself to seconds.

A helicopter is just like a flying ceiling fan. My love is the journey of the breeze.

How far would I go to be friends with someone? Halfway.

My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice.

I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she acted younger, so no matter what her age was, I was surprised by...