In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those...

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves.

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.

The only equality that exists on earth is time. We all have exactly 24 hours in a day. How we choose to spend those hours is what separates us.

The difference between you and him and him and me isn’t different at all: we’re all different.

There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.

Take me to Happy Birthday Land. It’s open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it’s closed for cleaning happens to be my birthday.

There are four quarters in a football game. That’s natural, because that’s 100%. I’m a 75% kind of fan, because I’m all about the quarterback.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

I have nothing to hide, because I have nothing. Well, I do have love for you, but I keep that openly safe in your boyfriend’s heart.

Today was so cold that the wind froze my words as I spoke them and they fell silently like snow. I tried to say I love you, but I’m afraid I just muddied up the...

If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings...

Every mission needs ammunition, even if it’s not bullets, but fiery pep talks.

I’m not a bicycle. Don’t try to ride me and leave me in the garage. I’m a treadmill. Walk on me and leave me in a guest room.

I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget. I do this to increase my chances of getting laid (wet baloney is...

The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father, if you were wondering.

The bullpen in a baseball park is the best place for matador training.

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

I’m the oldest of twelve brothers. However, the other eleven are yet to be born.

I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh so hard I peed all over his feet at the urinal.

Granddaddy Cove, it’s where all the lost hugs are. I know where the treasure is buried, and I’ll take you there for a small finder’s fee.

Out of all the fathers in the world, I am the most like Mother Theresa. Also, I am childless.

I could have could haved, but instead I did have. Is there any other way to love?

Instead of hip hip hooray, how about hip hip replacement? Old age should be celebrated one wobbly step at a time until the top of the stairs topples down onto the topless crowd below.

Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can handle?

If instead of a handshake you hold out a fist for a fist bump, I’ll wrap my hand around your fist like it was a circular shower handle, and toggle between hot and cold a...

My love is dangerous, like getting stabbed by a knife handle. I make love like a psychotic dyslexic.

Hard to hear, hard to understand, and hard to work with.

Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should...

I haven’t shaved in days. There are literally thousands of peaches waiting for me. I’ve been so busy loving that I haven’t been able to assist the Official Barber of Georgia.

My soul is invisible, like an anorexic’s dinner, but it sure enhances how I feel about my body.

My life is a code within a code, and I’ll crack both like two eggs and eat my existence like an omelet.

Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.

I want to get even. I want to get even more money.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

I’m sorry to hear you’re jobless.” I need to network with people who encounter letters on a daily basis in math equations, not romantic poetry.

I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk position at a luxury hotel on the beach. This would be perfect for me because when there...

Wrap your hand in toilet paper before you meet someone. It’ll change how much people respect you.

You graduated 120 years ago? When I graduated I was just one of many in a large stack of love letters. Now get me out of this Time Fridge before I self-cannibalize! I walked a...

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

Colors and scents evoke strong emotions. Lavender, both the light purple and the smell, make me feel tranquil. But another color, canary urine, reminds me of public bathrooms, and all the fond memories of waiting...

Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?

Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.

I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.

I like cream and sugar in my sleep.