I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.

I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.

Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a hairball later on.

Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So...

To be the only one who knows is lonely. No wonder Solomon, the wisest man, needed 900 concubines.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.

I weigh more than I used to. I’ve been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle—without even working out!

Like my grandpa, who dropped out of school to farm, I have a 4th grade education. Of course, I have a college degree, too. Both require the same reading level.

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half...

I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

I am an eater of water. I mean drinker. My love comes in a package that includes a straw/spoon.

I’m selling cat fur by the pound. It’s brand new—never been petted. (Meows sold separately).

To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.

The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d like the steak—medium rare—mashed potatoes, green beans, and a salad on the side....

Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

You can’t be extinct if people aren’t even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don’t know.

I speak the language of love. That’s right, I speak Russian.

Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.

I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same.

I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

I’m tired of talking. I want you to extract my thoughts through my nostrils.

I treat strangers like friends, friends like family, and family like strangers. And I make love like a cup of coffee that likes a cup of tea.

Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.

To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.

My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.

A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make a better first name?

Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth or crunchy.

Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

Signs offer a way to speak, yet keep the room perfectly silent.

Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need your help, so I’ll help both of us win and take, take, take.

Error is to err, as blanket is to blank.

That’s like my love for her.” At first I was sad, but then I smiled when I realized I’m more of a sofa kind of guy.

What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.

A brick could be used as a comb, if you’re bald and have no hair.

I’m angry as hell. I’m angry for all the people who should be angry but aren’t, either because they’re too stupid or too timid.

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.

A brick could be used as a bottle opener. Just don’t smash down too hard, or you’ll shatter the bottle.

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup....

A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway.

It’s interesting to watch someone think. Glass skulls would be cool.

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

I fell in love with her that day. I realized it when someone told me it was Tuesday.

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more control over the relationship than I do.