On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

My love tastes like a raincloud. Best taken when suffering from desert mouth.

Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.

A brick could be used to motivate. Just hold it up as an example of something that’s going nowhere in life.

My ballsack drives me nuts. Jogging has got to be the floppiest sport. Definitely not for lovers. Gentlemen prefer gymnastics.

I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought I could cure both at once, so I tricked you into getting naked...

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

With this guy, two words come to mind: Probable murderer. But since he was the bartender, another word comes to mind: Understandable.

Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.

When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.

Silence is downright noisy when you’re a loud thinker like I am. Alone and quiet, it’s like a networking event in my mind all the time.

Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.

A brick could be strapped to the back of a pet gerbil, to teach it how to swim. That’s how I learned to swim. Grandpa glued a gerbil to my back, dropped me off in...

Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.

I want to save the environment. I like being green as much as the next Smurf.

A blanket could be used to put out a fire. Unless that fire is in your heart, and you simply refuse to give up and let the issue, and your body, rest.

I melted in my defeat like Victory Ice Cream. I brought along an extra spoon for you, because I’m a sharing kind of guy.

Jacksonville has sunny days 80% of the year. That’s probably why 20% of my body is always untanned. Who knew that the fraction 20% is shaped like a Speedo?

A brick could be used as a door handle. On an all-brick house this would be great, but on an all-brick car it’d be even better.

If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.

I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.

Growing up, I went through an awkward stage. It lasted from birth to last Tuesday.

As a lake is the reciprocal of an island, so Agatha is the soup to my spoon. She makes me feel like an apple and a doctor, keeping myself away from myself, like the yellow...

We talked for four hours. Well, I talked for four, and she listened for two.

With networking, some people build bridges, some people burn bridges, and some people, like myself, use a boat to cross the river that divides us from one another. Well, with all the animals I associate...

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

In the long run, even a marathon looks like a sprint. This is how I can love with such Roger Bannisteresque intensity.

I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to bring it up from hell.

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I don’t support. I want people to associate that politician with a retard in...

The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.

Love, it’ll make you feel better before it’ll make you feel worse. So it’s like inverse medicine.

I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.

Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.

I am quite possibly the world’s bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.

There were a lot of one-hit wonders in the 90s. I was one of them, though mine was just a fender bender and I left before the cops showed up.

If flowers were boogers, I’d pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.

Flowers smell terrific, but how do they sound? If they sound like your love life, then you’ve got to take your Helen Keller Goggles off.

My dreams died nine months before I was born

Concierge at the Five-Star Hotel.” Concierge is just a fancy term that means something similar in Latin, I’m sure. My job will be to arrange activities for hotel guests for everything from opera tickets to...

One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. Check their pulse to be certain.

Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free love. Wait, if it was free, why did I buy it? 1969 ripped...

The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my own mortality vividly on display, in contrast to my eternally youthful memories.

I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit is wetter than you’d imagine.

Some people create war and misery, some create wealth and money, and some create ideas and art. But we all create our own deaths, fashioned out of our lives. Nobody will remember how you died,...

Be prepared, but look unprepared. That way, your opponent thinks he doesn’t have to prepare to defeat you.

A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this way. However, tongues can also be cleansing agents, making the most of a...

I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a better conversationalist than my last date.

Nothing is certain but death and taxidermy.

When I look in the mirror, I see not only the person I am, but the person I could be. The person I could be is clean-shaven, and I like him better than me.