It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

I watch silent movies on mute. But only for the dialogue.

Nobody can stop me. But only because I haven’t started yet.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

My voice smells like a shout. Especially when I eat silence.

She has nothing but love for me, and I have nothing but nothing for her.

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

It must be awful to be on a team with a superstar, someone much better than everyone else. At least that’s how my teammates must feel about me. But who cares? They’re just my clones.

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

I know the secret number of the universe. It’s one, for the individual in search of the secret number. But the secret itself is love, and lies outside of one.

If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

I once met a man who couldn’t think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was...

A guitar is not a baseball bat, despite me being known as the Babe Ruth of music. And if some have called me the Beethoven of coffee, I haven’t heard it because I’m deaf to...

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an...

A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking.

If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and not equally as well. Which is whicher depends on whose colder and who’s...

How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.

I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems.

Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

Agatha had so much love she could fill a room. A room filled with strange men, which she often did. I don’t care if every single man in that room looked exactly like me, they...

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

I cut my hair so it looks like I just woke up all the time, so that I can be like, what year is it? I’ve been asleep since the 80s.

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails...

It was May 2009, and I didn’t like where the economy was headed. (I wished the Federal Reserve had a GPS or a map or some clue as to where they were driving the economy)....

When I compete, I leave it all on the table. That’s my philosophy for the Hot Dog Eating Contest. Do you know what’s in those things? Gross!

I was born a baby, and it took me a long time to be man enough to acknowledge that that was a mistake.

Agatha had rose-colored cheeks, and thorn-like warts all over her slender neck. When we’d make love, I’d pretend I was Helen Keller and her neck was the Book of Love. I like to think I...

I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me.

I am the burrito in the taco. Hold your skepticism, and the lettuce.

Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him...

I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.

She burst in the door, I burst into song, and he burst into flames. Our love triangle turned into dinner for two featuring roasted marshmallows.

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.

Erin runs errands, and Aaron runs around on her behind her back while she’s out. He’s such a philanderer he should get a Nike contract.

Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn the sideways way.

I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I’d probably reply, “Two gallons of milk and a midget.

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

I wish I had a body like fog or mist, and could move mysteriously. But genetics being what they are, I’m stuck with a body like haze.

Your life is a collection of body parts that could be used to save many people. And you’re not doing anything. What are you doing with your life that’s so important? Come on, let’s dissemble...