I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it was still too heavy for you to lift.

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

I had a dream about you. We were comparing scars. All of yours were on your body, while all of my scars were on the bodies of people I’ve known throughout my life. It’s true,...

I’m like Waldo, in that I’m trying to find myself. And I’m wearing a red and white striped sweater.

A brick could be used to wade into dangerous territory with a man named Wade who builds houses made only of wood. But if you’re going to play with fire, I suggest you wear a...

I had a dream about you. The leaves changed from yellow to red, but the stoplights did not. This made me continually cautious, and you kept honking at me. I thought you were the rudest...

ost.

A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much do I charge people to buy it once I do find a reliable...

When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are...

My motto: I’ll do it today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or not.

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

If your TV is broken, don’t get a new one—get a new hobby: reading.

I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

I’ll let you see the door is open, so you know I’m open to the idea that you can leave anytime you want. So long as you are able to pick the lock on your...

Don’t you think she’s a bit too young to be a wife and mother?” Fucking pedophiles.

transparent” administration.

I want to drum up interest for instruments that are played by beating them with sticks.

I pet plants. Especially if they’re fir trees.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans...

A handshake is a balanced transaction, an even interaction based on agreement. A handshake is a physical representation of quid pro quo. But if Seth Goden is right, and we are now past this for...

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

Love is like $19.99. If you bring $20 dollars, I’ll bring a penny.

Irish I were I wish, so being drunk all the time would be socially acceptable.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

We made love like a slice of French toast trying to act like an English muffin.

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

pillow talk” for a reason, because most men fall asleep right after sex, leaving the pillow as the only thing a woman has to talk to.

I told her I’d rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

Caveat Emptor.”

I make love like I sell sausages to strange women. One at a time, and always covered with a condom (to keep the flies away).

Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.

I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window.

Love is 60% water, because a human being, the essence of love, is 60% water. But that’s the other 40% made up of? Easy—minty green tea and honey.

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.

To talk about love isn’t as good as to make about love. During sexual intercourse, I’m very approximate.

Let the best of your competition take out the rest of your competition, while you rest and then take out only that one guy.

Americans are self-reliant—on the government.

The two coolest names would be Stewart Stuart, and Stuart Stewart. For a woman, it would make normal sex feel like a threesome.

I have the Denver Omelet of accents. And considering I’m from Denver, it makes sense. Now if I also lived in Cheeseland (Wisconsin) it would make perfect, yummy sense.

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

Don’t talk while you’re talking. It interrupts me.