Maturity doesn’t advance linearly, like you steadily and readily becoming more profound in your thinking. No, it staggers and stumbles like a drunk.

I like instant gratification. It’s like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.

I made her a bathing suit—out of saran wrap. We made love like leftovers.

Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though...

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

Networking isn’t synonymous with partying. If you’re doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison.

Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to...

I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.

I am but a flower. Do with me what thou wilt.

Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me.

I make love like I make dinner. I order take out.

A can of tomato juice is not like a can of blood. Still, I drink one daily.

If I die, who’s going to take care of my shadow? Or will it return to the night, from whence it came? While I sleep at night I keep my shadow folded neatly in my...

When money for food is scarce, I’ve got to start tightening my belt. And if I keep getting skinnier from not eating, I’ll have to tighten my belt even further.

I’m such a good salesman that I sold my sales job. I sold it for ten I love yous and a bag of fellatio.

Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food and you shoot them, you’ll also need a good place to hide the...

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.

I’m on a shoestring budget, which means I don’t have any extra money to buy the surrounding shoes to even lace up.

I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is a third option: to not sleep. After all, sleep is like death. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I want to write a universal truism that won’t be blurred by body language, cultural confusion, or translation mishaps, so I want to bypass language—both verbal and nonverbal—and leap to pure concept where all men...

In the future, charities will be like pets. Everybody will want one, and millions will be abandoned.

When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to death. I just hope that one day isn’t tomorrow.

Why are desire scales 1-10? They should be 1-12, like a clock, because I want her 1-12, I mean like all the time.

The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides me. Of course they do have something else to talk about. They could always talk about the weather. But...

The peace corps looks like peace corpse, and death isn’t a very peaceful thought to me.

Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might return to dote on it later, or I might try to strangle it...

A rocking chair in the middle of a boxing ring. You know, for the lover in the fighter. Also as something more entertaining than watching boxing.

Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up, Lazarus style.

I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?

I can’t sell you while you’re trying to sell me. So how about we just talk and call it networking?

I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If you want to watch, I just made popcorn.

Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?

I put the lover in clover. Especially if there are four leaves.

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

Silence is golden, and gold is up these days, so silence is a solid investment.

After years of immaturity, I finally have my act together. As far as acting, it’s very slapstick.

I’m a year older than 365 days ago, and I’m having trouble bending my knees and my lower back is killing me. Everything reminds me of death. Especially bending over all day to steal the...

Don’t drink my tears. They will only make you thirsty. And sad.

Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.

Instead of making trash cans cylinder shaped, they should make the mold look more like a person, to help with that ever baffling question: Now that I’ve killed him, what do I do with the...

Hey, what is that over there?” and I pointed over your shoulder, and when you turned to look I scribbled my name on the bottom of page one.

I was afraid if I started talking in front of the crowd, they’d all laugh at me. And guess what? They did! Oh it was horrible. I’m never going to do stand-up comedy again.

I’m as much a lover as a cumulous cloud is a beard of God. My mustache can’t make rain the way I make love.

I couldn’t decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.

A brick could make everything better for me. Now, if I could only find a way to get my hands on one. But it’s a silly dream, because I don’t have the ambition to get...

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car.

It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.

The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are using are going to construct schools or prisons. They won’t tell, and you...

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.