I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven. He was deaf, and you were blind to the fact that you had...

Dear Nike, please advise your runners that if they don’t collapse and die after running a marathon, they’re not doing it right. Don’t just do it—do it right.

Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.

My alarm went off. My sleep went on. Dreaming about coffee is not the same as drinking down coffee.

Love is a speedy bird that looks like a fish. If you catch one in the sky, try not to drown.

A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon.

Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.

A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.

My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.

I’d like to write gibberish in Latin, because if people aren’t going to be able to read it, they might as well not read it in a dead language.

I haven’t the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on the day I was born.

I own the night, and all the blackness that isn’t. It is isn’t.

While all men want to be free, some want to be free to think what they want, and other men want to be free from the burden of free thought. These men seek freedom through...

Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.

Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don’t consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to...

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.

She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.

The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?

If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple sliding across a cheese grater. I’m a sucker for love songs.

I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?

The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!

I made Tuesday Salad like Monday morning is Sunday night. Do you agree on the difference a day can make in the realm of love?

In my new job, I have big shoes to fill. My predecessor was a midget.

Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what’s more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.

Insects have the most sex. Trust me, I peep on them through my microscope.

I can’t afford to be dishonest. I also can’t afford to be poor.

must” in mustard. Sadly, the only man alive who understands what I mean is dead. RIP Mitch Ketchup.

When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that’s what my mechanic tells me.

If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind a few cars in the turning lane, because I’ve got to get off...

My name is Mr. Murderedscott. But if you want to know what happened to Scott, I didn’t kill him.

Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.

Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.

I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into the kitchen and found blood on the floor, right next to a few...

I’ve long suspected myself of being a suspicious person. But that’s OK, because suspicious people make better lovers, right?

Two women passing off a note. I find it disgusting! I’ll bet it’s the love letter I wrote to one of them. Well, if she didn’t appreciate it, maybe she’s right to give it to...

My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained and locked metal trunk. Then he had the audacity to not accept a...

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls.

I hate cold-calling. I like my phone calls warm, like meatloaf.

My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you will be the death of me.

My love is ripe for the peaching. Let me make Georgia to you all night long—and if I have the endurance, maybe even up to South Carolina.

You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better...

The other night my grandpa stopped breathing. I thought he was trying to set a world record for holding his breath, but after ten minutes of me cheering him on, he had to be boring...

Will work for food. Will work for sex. Will work for the weekend, but I won’t work five consecutive days for it.

The time to act is now! Somebody go get the Director.

If I got a new heart with a heart transplant, I’d be forever grateful. Or at least grateful for the next 50 years or so.

Erections are temporary, but child support is forever.

She probably thinks I have the clothes of a millionaire. And I do, but they’re still on his body, which is still in the trunk of my car.

Cliff said he’d jump off a cliff, and I called it a bluff. I didn’t think he was bluffing, but I did think he should have accurately called it a bluff and not a cliff....

Man is somewhere in between God and animal. Jarod is somewhere in between Jar and Jason. (One of which I keep chained up in my freezer).