I’m 50% in love. To put that into a visual, I am a 3’ tall midget aspiring to be a 6’ tall man, with the coffee capacity of a narcoleptic camel.

I rewired my brain. Now every time I feel disappointment I orgasm. So go on a date or get stood up, either way I’ll cum.

I can’t say I can’t say can’t, because I can. I believe I don’t believe.

Her hair was the color of coffee without cream, and she fell in love with me when I poured sugar on her. Probably.

I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and thus became a hero to myself. I’m like that all the time. Being heroic, I mean.

I remember that year as well as he does, though I was really young then and he is really old now. So I had no memory formation then, and he has Alzheimer’s now.

You can’t write with dry ink. Likewise, using another author’s dried words to make your writing more fluid is not only dishonest, but it’s against everything I stand for as a former lifeguard.

Nobody showed up to my wedding, even though I sent out 50 invitations. The problem was 49 of the people were dead when I sent them out, and the 50th person died shortly after I...

I want to start a business making mint-flavored sunshine that comes in a can half full of meow-free rainbows. (Leprechauns sold separately.)

I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

I’m always sad to leave Jax. So many magical moments here. Like the time I saw a rainbow give birth to a pot of gold, guarded by a dwarf in green.

One Jarod’s a lover, and one Jarod’s a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

I’ve had 24 girlfriends in my life, and all of them occurred in the same two-day evening.

With love, it’s better to act now and think later. Write your love poem after you’ve made love, and not before.

I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.

I bought a big brown stuffed animal. You know, for dinner.

On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?

I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.

I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.

I want to open up a School of Cannibalism. It’ll be a feeder school for top law schools.

I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.

I could scarf down a scarf faster than I could eat any other throat warmer, with the possible exception of your clenched hands around my neck.

I’m a farmer of love. Just add water.

You can call me Dances With Cats. I’m like Dances With Wolves, only meowier.

Don’t eat in the dark. My brand of cat food comes with a light bulb in the can.

The wheel is man’s greatest invention, and as such, unicycling is the world’s purest sport.

My mustache is cute and furry, like a cat.

Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.

Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons.

I’m always amazed that my twin has the same birthday as me, and that he doesn’t exist. I wonder if I exist?

I lick each envelope I mail, so I can taste the closure and anticipation of travel. If they tasted like ice cream, they’d match the love letters inside.

When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my mouth quivering and figure out that I’m faking my friendliness.

My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me more of an advance notice, say another 30 years.

I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself when he quoted me. So in effect I’m quoting myself quoting myself, with...

My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.

Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?

My headboard has bars, like a jail cell. Sometimes I’ll be asleep and think I’m in prison, and I’ll hear my alarm clock go off and feel like I’m out on parole. Only then does...

Dad.

I’m the same old guy I was when I was a young guy.

This guy’s got a mustache that’s made for TV. I’ve got a mustache that’s made for radio. I keep it zipped up quiet in my pants, next to my cigar.

I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.

A brick could be used as an idol you can worship. But be careful, lest God smite thee with His wrath.

In light of the darkness, I see no reason to have no reason.

There’s nothing like a good murder to remind us all how much love there is in the world. That’s what this guy’s probably thinking, as he stands alone and naked—emotionally, not physically—as he’s obviously wearing...

A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends.

I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.

The moveless man moves along like the mist. The mist doesn’t hide, but all things are hidden in it—including the fog. Love is the only thing that moves the moveless man, and he hasn’t the...

To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.