I slept so long last night that when I woke up I discovered a city had sprung up under my left armpit. This was staggering considering when I went to bed it was just a...

If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no...

I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory.

Give me coffee or give me death. Or if not death, at least let me sleep a little bit longer.

My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.

Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your phone will be ringing nonstop. And you know I’ll call you too, because...

To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have harmed anyone, but since you added no value to life, are you really...

I was fashionably late in my unfashionable clothes.

Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from her, I only charged her 50 cents on the dollar. That’s love.

I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.

She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.

When I think about my dad, I start clapping. I’m not applauding because he lived, but because he died.

Ah, this is true. And this is false. What’s the best to you may be worst to someone else. Since every room here is completely different, each room is number one to someone, even if...

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.

Who leads the world in consumption? America! Who has more lawyers per capita? America! Who has the highest incarceration rate? America! What is the greatest country on earth? America!

The big, burly oaf offended my girl, so without hesitation I rushed to her defense. I did, however, make a few stops along the way, and by the time I got home and back, the...

I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use to print the certificates on. Still, the title alone carries some weight (2.2...

Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.

If coffee is a drug, then I am a junky. And if coffee’s not a drug, then I’m still a junky. Damnit.

If you’re ever in a ghost town, it’s only appropriate to visit the cemetery. Also, ever thought that coffee’s steam is the rising soul of your dead sleep?

I fucking hate you.” Women! They can be so confusing and hard to understand with the cryptic way they speak.

If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.

What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.

I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.

I need either a small coffee or a large nap.

The temperature in the room seems to have gone up about ten degrees. My armpits are sweating and I notice myself vigorously massaging my left hand with my right hand. I am clenching my jaw...

He was a pleasant fellow, saying please and thank you as he pounded me in the face. That’s why I sent him a Get Well Soon card, since he was probably interested in my well-being.

I chug coffee—for fun and for love.

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out to coffee.

I invented scissors with wheels, so I could cut to the chase. Next time we make love it will be the first time, and I’ll bring a sock soaked in coffee.

If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.

I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid for dinner. And picked me up.

Love is a lot like coffee in that I can never seem to get enough of it, and hers is hot and mine is iced.

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).

The Book of Us. I’m writing it. And you’re in it.

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.

I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while daydreaming. So here we have a case where two halves equal one quarter,...

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

This guy was a class act. And that class was Acting 101. If I were the professor, I’d have given him an F—for murder.

I’ve always felt that love and luck are two sides of the same pair of jeans. Pick a partner that won’t pick your pockets, and you won’t have to be plucky to find pleasure.

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

A Letter to Andre Breton, Originally Composed on a Leaf of Lettuce With an Ink-dippedCarrotOn my bed, my green comforterdraped over my knees like a lumpy turtle,I think about the Berlin Wall of years that...

My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.

Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew it by acting like I didn’t know it.