I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.

I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.

I’m thirsting for fame. I’m so fucking thirsty. Somebody bring me a tall glass of saltwater with a side order of desert.

A brick is a polarizing object. Especially if you find it at either the North or the South Pole.

I was short staffed. But that’s what happens when all your employees are midgets. I make love like spicy rice.

In the future, I’ll be furniture. Step on me now or sit on me later, but either way let me know how I can make you feel comfortable.

A blanket could be folded up and kept in the trunk of my car, in much the same way that I do with the Chinese gymnastics team before I chauffer them around town.

A chef should make a dish using only my words as ingredients. My words will taste great in your mouth.

I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be a couple, and couple’s can’t be lonely.

A brick could be a columnist for the New York Times, and could even win a Nobel Prize. And why not? Is that any more absurd than both those things happening for Paul Krugman?

I inherited my sense of passion and romance from the Romans. Specifically Nero and all the fire he possessed.

Politics is all about showing you have integrity—and hiding the fact that you really don’t have any.

To say that I grew up without parents is a lie, because I haven’t grown up yet. Also, all six of my potential parental candidates are still alive.

I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.

Love is two unicorns arguing over which is better: one animal with two horns, like a bull, or two animals with one horn apiece. I guess it doesn’t matter, because you should never debate when...

For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.

His name was Chase, so of course I ran after him. I wasn’t stalking, I was giving name.

We made love, we drank coffee, and then we went our separate ways. I went west, and she went to hell. Or at least I hope she did.

The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.

Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.

Opportunity seldom rises with blood pressure.

Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are.

It’s a conflict of interest, because I’m not interested.

Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.

I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.

I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a bit premature. But don’t worry; just give our relationship a minute—plus fourteen more.

I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.

I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.

I prefer love songs to any other form of torture.

My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.

The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.

I knew I was in love because I had butterflies in my stomach. Also in there I had flowers, a few rainbows, and leftover unicorn from the bbq the day before.

When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead.

If you want walking dolphins and talking sandwiches, you’re lucky to have me buying shoes for you—and selling them to you. I’ll give you the best price (for myself), because business is better when love...

I’m in danger of losing my job as official scribe to my inner voice.

Even though I buried our love in a coffin, it isn’t dead. No, our love is very much alive. Or at least it was yesterday, when I went to visit the cemetery.

It is with great sadness that I blow my nose.

I give everybody my love, and therefore nobody gets my love. I’m freedy—free and greedy.

More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.

Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.

He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.

You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.

Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go.

Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper.

The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.

I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life lesson for you.

A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that’s why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.

I make love like you might make an omelet. At least, I’m hoping you might make an omelet, because I skipped breakfast like a child skips home from the class he just skipped.