Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

I’m asking you not to do it. Can you do that for me? Can you do not doing it?

My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.

Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.

I’m not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.

A brick could be used to measure water levels through what scientists call hydrostatics. If you throw a brick into the ocean, you’ll have proof that sea levels are rising globally.

Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?

A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for...

A brick could be affixed to the collar of my shirt, because I’ve already got the weight of the world on my shoulders, so what’s the problem with a little new construction to go on...

I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune...

Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel lonely even if I were surrounded by 11 clones of myself.

A brick could be used as 1,2, and 4. But not 3. No, 3 is too holy for a brick. 3 is a number so magical it can only be used by a blanket.

I had a dream about you. Of all the flowers I’ve ever loved, you were the one who looked most like a woman. The others didn’t look like men, unless you count my Uncle Butch,...

Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.

My life story is too long to tweet. Too long by two characters—and by characters I don’t mean Dora J. Arod and Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

To be environmentally friendly, I’d ride my stationary bike to work. I hope my career works out, because it feels like I’m just spinning my wheels.

I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.

If I saw a hitchhiker wearing a tie-dyed shirt, I’d assume he’s been waiting for a ride since the 1960s. I think that kind of patience is groovy.

Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget.

Why aren’t any cars shaped like vaginas? More people would probably wear them on their feet while they run.

If my initials were Y.E.S., I’d probably go around smiling all the time.

People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do...

Arlington National cemetery is huge! But that’s not surprising, because DC is the world’s largest graveyard of good ideas and intentions. Politicians are natural hunters. If there is a good and productive thing, they will...

My face and body are not my essence. My actions, ideas, and ideals are the stuff of me. My clone will have my face and body, but he won’t be me.

If I had to believe, I would. But I don’t, and I do.

Being buried alive in a cemetery would put me in grave danger.

If I were as tall as the day is night, I’d be a midget.

Being king is about having all the material things you want, and having nobody you trust enough to share them with.

I have a secret knock. It’s so secret that I never use it, lest you hear my knuckles knocking and try to reproduce a knock off to sell on the black market.

We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait until Thanksgiving.

Hard work would really open doors for me. So would being disabled.

I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good looking my breath is.

Warning: Do not open.

To live a more authentic life, I’ve started studying the world’s best counterfeiters, the Central Bankers. But I can assure you, my love for you is not inflated.

My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we...

Making love is not my strength. Also, lifting weights is not my strength.

I feel with a mullet and a mustache my job prospects would improve.

I saw an old guy sleeping, and I thought he was dead. But I kept checking his pockets for money, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either, judging by how much food they left on their plates.

Knock on wood for good luck—and if you think that’s the best way to get the door to open.

Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.

Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.

On a unicycle, my tire will tire before I do. I ride for charity. I’m trying to raise enough money to buy a bicycle.

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.

I’ll get a gift for you, but I’ll give it to someone else to give to you, so that it’s like I’m giving two gifts: the gift itself, and the gift of giving.

If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.

Do you want some fresh tomato soup to go? I’ll put it in a mesh strainer. Oh, if only love were as easy to contain as soup in a strainer.

Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?