If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed.

A stack of graham crackers represents me as a person: am I a cookie or a cracker? Neither. Both. I’m a crackie.

I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they...

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach me to dance, even though my movements were as stiff as a mannequin. I think you tolerated my abysmal...

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

The clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets wearing gray togas somersaulting in unison, and I thought it’s a glorious day to be alive and in love.

I put the hell in hello—especially when waving at my mother-in-law. If looks could kill, she’d wish she were Helen Keller.

I make love like a stampede of camels running down the hallway of the 14th floor of a hotel. That’s also known as hyperbole—and the 13th floor.

If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.

My son’s name will be Sonya, like his mother, whose name will be Dadya.

More than anything, I just want to be somebody. Somebody like my own clone.

Love is like an elephant with wings. If it doesn’t fly, at least it remembers.

My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

Nobody looks at what can’t look. We don’t see what doesn’t see. If love is blind, then so are we, because it’s all around us.

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

Numbers have power. But not enough to supply all the energy for all your daily electrical needs. There’s just not enough strength in numbers for all that.

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.

I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.

I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money to the time spent with a stripper.

The best way to deal with tiredness is to sleep it off.

I is not only a letter, I is me. So in that respect, I guess I am a simple guy.

I made 100 dollars, or a Ben Franklin, today. And out of that I probably spent his face, or about five bucks, but I squandered it dishonorably. I should have saved face and saved face,...

When I hear people say Rest In Peace, I get jealous, because I’m a restless sleeper.

I was honored at the awards ceremony. I didn’t get any recognition, but I was honored to be there. (Tickets were cheaper than I imagined!)

Don’t marry a man because he has a billion dollars. Divorce him for it.

He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not good.

I shed my clothes like a garage doesn’t shed—and a shed doesn’t garage. Then we made love like neighbors, so close, yet separated by several barriers.

I can Control F to find words and phrases lost in a sea of literature, but why can’t I Control F to find one object among a hoarder’s clutter?

When I was a little boy, say 17 months old, I lived in the forest. I was raised by bears. We had a good time. We laughed a lot. At least I think we laughed...

A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold as ice, it’s much more likely to shatter.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

I use one word to ward off love: No. She used no words to ward of love. Seriously, she tells me nothing, and in this way she tells me she doesn’t love me.

The worst part about clones is you could be both innocent and guilty at the same time. I didn’t do it—but I did, in the form of my clone.

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some “footage.

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.

You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash.

I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.

When I say something, I mean what I say, despite what a dictionary says I mean. Meanings of words are slaves that I put to work constructing my pyramids of thought.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.