A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!

Today I’m in love. Today is Tuesday, though that’s not why I’m in love. I’m in love with Friday, and I actually fell in love yesterday.

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

Women, if I understood them half as well as I understand fractions, I’d have said a third. But I don’t have time for a third, or even my other half, because I spend all my...

I want more sleep. It won’t happen, but I can dream, right?

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

Sure, let me just go to the nearest ATM.” I wonder if she knows it’s all fake and inflated.

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.

I use blankets like armor for cold.

Courage is the chiaroscuro of characteristics. By that I mean I don’t know what I mean.

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

Just as soon as I arrive I want to leave. Especially when I’m in love.

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.

Women love a man in uniform. You should see them drool when I dress up in my Girl Scout outfit.

The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.

Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.

I’d dig a hole the size of the grand canyon to find a love the size of an acorn, and I’d use a shovel the size of a squirrel.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too thick to fit in my cup to stir in the sugar.

I need a tube-shaped bathtub, to play the tuba in. I make love like I make music—in a shower that’s in a phone booth that’s in 1981, the year before I was born.

I network like a Spanish Inquisitor. I am very good at extracting relevant information. And if you resist, you’ll only confirm your heresy.

Don’t” on my To Do list.

Through my quick action, I was able to capture her mannerism and store it in a jar. It looks like mayonnaise, but it tastes like love.

My voice is raspy like raspberries. Can you taste what I’m saying?

If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. Did you know that my love is the only love that can fly backwards?

I love writing, and the feeling it brings me can’t be described by words. So here are a few grunting noises that capture my mood when I write: ugh, eek, umph, and ahh!

We were young(ish) when we first fell in love. I was however old I am now minus the number of years it has been since that first day.

Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

Everybody has a past—even if it lies in the future.

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both.

I wash my hands in the blood of grapefruit. Come, drink with me.

Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.

I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it...

I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?

I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.

I’m on the west coast. I am Lewis and Clark. I am Lewis Clark. Like the time I got a Denver Omelet in Dallas with a girl named Charlotte Washington.

After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.

Coffee has a way of waking me up like no alarm clock can. Not only do I sleepwalk, but I sleepdrink, and I often don’t wake up until 5:00 PM, when I leave work.

If a piano fell from the sky, my first reaction would be, Oh my God! I hope it didn’t crush my bag of chips I left lying on the ground.

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.

I know her note said she was leaving me, but there is some positive in it. At least she cared enough to tell me she didn’t care.

Best Interpretive Dance” for my adaptation of Joyce’s Ulysses into crunk. That’s cool and all, but you should see my Dostoevsky.

In this sad world I can never be sure. Of that I am certain.

I am Oscar Wilde’s reversible underwear. I am John Wayne’s rusty six-shooter. I am William Shakespeare’s identity crisis. I am a kiss delivered Priority Mail, to a girl named Agatha, by me dressed as a...

Her love stays with me wherever I go. That’s because I have it on a leash, like a dog, and I take it for walks like I do with my pet wheelchair.

Have faith my friends, because love will find you eventually. It found me, and I was wearing camouflage clothing, face paint, and cologne that smelled like the wilderness.