In high school I attended a magnet school—for refrigerators.

I had a dream about you. Two empty benches sat on a man, and I jogged by but did not stop, because I knew if I did I’d fall asleep and that damn tortoise would...

I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.

If I owned a house that had a bathroom with no toilet, only a urinal, I’d call that the number one room, and I could easily both describe it and point to it with one...

I read about sneezing and immediately sneezed. I must be allergic to reading.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards in the air if you lob it just right.

Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk.

It’s so windy tonight the window is rattling. I guess it’s time to turn off my fan and turn on my anti-hurricane machine that’s powered by love.

Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.

I didn’t do it in 1066. But I’m only not guilty because I wasn’t quite alive then. The ferocity of the Normans not named Norman is underestimated in history, and I fear neither woman nor...

If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I’ll bet there’d be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them.

Albatross Harbor’s Man of the Year Award” went to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And from all the votes this year (one), it looks like the winner will be me. I’ve already begun writing my acceptance...

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.

Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable.

The only thing more honest than a politician is, well, EVERYTHING.

With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d change is her.

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.

When I’m competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.

My bathtub is big enough for two people to fit comfortably in separate showers. I’m the kind of lover that Lowe’s home improvement salesmen who are working for commission dream about.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m...

I conceal myself behind cynicism because it’s safe. Camouflage is more protective than body armor. Why do you think the Department of Defense contacted me to design a gun that shoots insults?

I have been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten, possibly raped, subjected to hypothermia, and drowned, but still I dress up as Rasputin every Halloween for the Orthodox orgy.

I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.

Jacksonville was founded by a man named Jack. Jack’s last name wasn’t Sonville, as you’d expect. Oddly, Jack’s last name was Fatherville, but since Jack was himself a bastard, he found the name Jackfatherville to...

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.

I wish I listened through my urethra, because imagine how euphoric and orgasmic music would be. One love song might get you pregnant.

Is there any other time to be dancing alone to 50s music than 5 AM? I wish my grandpa thought so, because I’m trying to sleep in the ballroom.

I want to leave a legacy. I’ll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.

Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

The first time I saw Agatha she gave me a double wink. Most men might have interpreted it as a blink, but I saw it as a sexually developed ambidextrous double wink. Such talent! Such...

I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute.

I just made some ice cream soup—for winter, or the next time you visit Antarctica. It’s freezable and reheatable, like my love.

The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.

I make love like hello, good to meet you. I would say hi, but I like to stretch it out and really make the sex last.

In my pants is where you need to look to find out everything you want to know about love. I got the magic formula from your grandma.

I love you” is alive and well.

Jacksonville’s unofficial moniker is “The Latex Capital of the Universe.” But we don’t wear condoms—we wear rubber gloves. We have the safest handshakes in the world.

I did a finger painting today, and you can hardly even see my brushstrokes. Similarly, when we make love, you won’t even notice that I’m there.

Everyone’s different, and in that way everyone’s the same. Stand out by sitting down. Try my love seat—it’s made for two people, so you can be comfortably obese.

M.

Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.

I am the red in remembered. Why am I red? Because I’m embarrassed.

I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like to keep my Meow Factor as close to zero as I can. This...

I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than saying I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.