I don’t have a tan because I only come out at night. The only sun I get is reflected off the moon. I make love like a vampire, only entirely different and without completely filling...

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I close my lips it’s like a wink and a kiss combined. It’s like lust overload.

If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.

It’s sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them.

decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.

I smell like cat snuggles and sex, though from two different activities. I have just perfected my meatloaf-flavored ice cream, if you want to grab a spork.

I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.

Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

We’re all lonely and looking for love, even if you’re fat, stinky, and asexual. You should wear a suit of armor when you have sex.

I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them.

Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.

I couldn’t be a doctor. I have no patience for patients, like I do silly puns. But I could be a barista, because I love coffee like I love sex—and that’s why I pay for...

I may have written this before, but I may not have written it as well, so I’ll write it again.

The moon looked like melted mozzarella to my bleary and blurry vision. Was I tired, intoxicated, or in love? Or was I sober, asleep, and alone?

A shower curtain would make a great dress. If I make it for you, will you make love to me? Before you answer, you should know that I’m a bring my own bathtub kind of...

Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old material you can’t write new material, and you must remember all you’ve written...

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.

Don’t tell me to write your story. Write your own story. If you won’t write it down, it probably isn’t worth writing down—or reading.

Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.

Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating.

Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.

F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my...

Cats are portable calm distributors. They’re like vending machines distributing peace for free.

I had a dream about you. I was drinking a cup of coffee, and you were a cup of coffee in the process of taking over a man. I thought I was consuming you, but...

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.

I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand...

I started writing to get women, or rather a particular woman, and I continue writing because it’s now a compulsion.

I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

I’m creative, I make up almost everything. But with all my creativity, I couldn’t make up with my wife.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure I’ll catch up to him.

The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party? The ocean’s salty enough without my tears.

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.

A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours.

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

After they broke up, Renaldo’s ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because his mother only had his best interest in mind.

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

I live a single life. But only because there’s not enough room in my astronaut suit for two. There’s no love on the moon.

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.

I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option.

I asked for a small drink, but he didn’t ask me what cup size. What, will a small not fit in a large?