Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco.

My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.

My cat will love you more than me. He won’t love you more than he loves me, but he will love you more than I love you.

Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know queso costs extra.

I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My feet are like orange spatulas.

My cat just licked my eyeball. Probably because I look like an asshole. I also look like an asshole.

Grandpa used to like gravy on everything, including his pancakes. If love could be eaten, I’ll bet he’d prefer it with gravy on top. And I’d have to agree. Love would taste better with gravy.

I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.

An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.

Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don’t know anybody named Donald.

Sunglasses block the sun, but why bother with all that when my love could do it more effectively? My love shines so bright it makes the sun seem like the moon.

I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, “Wait until we’re finished eating.

The all-knowing yesterday is obsolete today.

Love is two spirits occupying one bottle of spirit. You’ve got to be 21 to drink of me.

I had a dream about you. The seasons changed, but you did not. You were the same old person you always were, only older. And I was the same old person I always was, only...

Language is the proper way to communicate, followed closely by five balled up fingers forming a fist and flying at a face. Violence is never the answer—unless the question is: What the fuck are you...

Rain Factory,” because he’s always either in a dark and stormy mood, or crying heavily.

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the...

Most Wanted.” It’s good to be desired. I’d be honored to be shot at for a large reward, or a small cup of coffee.

The best way to get America back to work, and reduce our deficit, is hire all the photographers in the country, position them on street corners, and have them take pictures of all the license...

His hair isn’t turning gray—it’s turning silver, and it’s going up in value. Aging is the best hedge against an inflationary fiat currency.

A hug—it’s been holding me back from achieving my goals.

My favorite flower is the tulip. I’m crazy like Holland about them. I’ll even pay as much as $1,637 for one.

I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.

Feel free to become a slave to your own clone. And mine. Remember, you can never have too many lovers who look exactly the same as me.

Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I’d bottle it up and sell it to little children and the elderly.

I’ll convert a school desk into a tricycle, because how else am I supposed to learn to love? It’s not like baseball gloves are very effective oven mitts.

I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.

I love so much you could probably see my affection from space with the naked eye (take off your eyelids, woman!)

A brick could be lodged inside a home to provide comfort, stability, hope, change, and audacity. Oh gosh! Sorry about the last three—I was in my political bullshit mode again.

Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with two spoonfuls of silence.

Blood looks like red wine, but doesn’t go as well with cheese. And too much is spilled in war. No wine should ever be spilled on a battlefield.

I count as blessings things I could have benefited from, even if I neglected to utilize them. A gift is still a gift, even if left wrapped and unopened.

At night my shadow multiplies, and clones itself into total darkness. Half of all nudists hate me half the time, and half love me half the time. Sadly for me, the half who love me...

I trust politicians to do what’s right. For themselves.

If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing.

On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men.

Most people live life backwards. They party and kill time in their youth, when they’re strong and have the energy to accomplish great things. And then they’re older, they try to get things done, but...

I had a dream about you. We watched the sunset together like a couple of perverts in a peep show. I really liked your idea of cutting a hole in a sheet of plywood, because...

There’s always going to be a criminal element in the population. At least as long as people believe they need politicians.

The days float on like a feather in the wind, but at the end of the week, I’m still a chicken. Taste my truth.

The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.

I find honesty to be a rare thing—in politics.

What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser.

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.

If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

I want to write a book called Kissing Kissinger. It won’t be about kissing, Kissinger, or even politics. It’ll be about radiator fluid, and all the health benefits you can enjoy from chugging it.

If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets.