Blankets could be used to identify liars and thieves, if lawmakers passed laws stating that lawmakers were required by law to wear blankets out in public.

The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff.” Of course, when Orafoura told me this...

With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.

My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through.

Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m...

I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.

Snuggling is an art. And I’m no Rembrandt—I’m a cat. I am pure cuddling genius.

In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.

Politician you out.

Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.

There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”

I have been traveling for decades, and I’ve finally reached a conclusion: I still have much to learn.

I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?

I had a dream about you. You wore all yellow and I wore all blue, and together we were trying to make the world a little greener. Not through sex, as I wanted, but through...

The Sunshine State.

It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m talking about politicians.

I had a dream about you. You were drinking apple juice, and I was drinking horse piss, though the spectators in the stadium couldn’t tell who was drinking what, even though one million dollars for...

I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill.

When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea...

I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That’s how a real politician defers blame.

When you’re as ugly as I am, you need all the beauty sleep you can get. I’ll be in the restroom resting if you need me. Knock three times so I know it’s you and...

I don’t have any inkling what to do with all the ink in this digital age. Maybe I’ll write a bunch of love letters to a dead author. Who moved my mayonnaise?

Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get to keep your intelligence, integrity, loyalty, and honesty, whereas any other politician in...

I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I was born in the middle, and I desperately want to hide it.

People think coffee can be drunk with or without cream and sugar, but coffee can be drunk more ways than that. Coffee can be drunk awake or asleep, and coffee can be drunk by the...

I love Ocala. I also love anal sex with midgets. I mean I would, if I were an averagely perverted politician.

If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn’t try to play the piano with my nose.

I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed...

Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same, and the things that stay the same are the things I wish changed.

A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

That’s precisely why the majority of the population voted me into public office.

My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

I could rant about political corruption until I’m blue in the face, but most people would just call me a Smurf and move on. My balls are also blue, but that is another subject, and...

She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date...

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

I had a dream about you. It was just you and me at the table, and there were two pieces of apple pie available. You thought it worked out perfectly, but I thought it was...

I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the time. I saved my allowance for two years to be able to afford...

I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, particularly not mine. Especially not when I am dancing alone.

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.

Morning coffee is my preferred method of starting my evening. I make love all the time half the time. That half is night. Wake me up when it’s ready.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.