I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat food from a little saucer while you snap off a few pictures of...

If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious.

I’ve forgotten if I’m a member of the Remember Club, but the memory of my love for her will never fade.

I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.

I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor.

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

I single-handedly lost the clapping competition. After that nobody wanted to co-clap with me, so I got zero high-fives.

Blue love on a blue moon on Mr. Green’s greenback printing machine (the one that sounds like Weimar Germany in 1923)”, then I have given you an example of a non sequitur. But since you...

Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming.

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

Pterodactyl has a silent P. I talk entire conversations using only silent letters. They’re also invisible. My I love yous are camouflaged amidst my absence.

I replaced my wife with an empty chair, so I wouldn’t be poisoned at dinner. And I’m still alive, so I’d say it was a genius tactical strategy.

Everywhere I go, I bring Bring, and a feeling of redundancy. I love you because I love you—and because I love you. What more do you want?

The wind helps me unwind. I make love like Don Quixote windmilled into history.

Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock.

I’m a feminist. That’s why I own a dishwasher.

I’m a romantic. I enjoy candle-lit breakfasts, and long walks in wheelchairs.

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.

I picked up the knife to cut the melon, and then smashed it with my fist instead.

Question for your life: If love covered as much of the earth’s surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your wetsuit?

I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.

I had a dream about you. We were out to dinner at some place fancy, like the Library of Congress. I ate a thick, rare James Joyce novel, and you ate a pig that looked...

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

If I were a cave dweller, I wouldn’t draw on my living room walls like a caveman. No, I’d draw on my walls like Basquiat. Not a big difference aesthetically, but a huge difference in...

At the end of the day” to bed.

I have an erection. I just got it. It was an early Christmas present. Do you think she’ll be mad that I unwrapped it early?

If there is no picture, there is no proof.

I’m grateful for what you’ve done—and I’m ungrateful for what you haven’t done. A cup half full of coffee is also half full of sleep.

If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.

I had a dream about you. We were playing football (soccer), and I just needed to score one goal to win. Of course, one goal was one more than I’d scored so far, so it...

The Bible says man has sin nature, but do clones have sin nature?

Love is like a tall tree standing next to a midget. Well, it was like that, before it just walked away, leaving the midget just standing there, looking taller than normal.

My dreams are shaped like a cat, only furrier. And my love resembles a dolphin, only fishier.

healer” is unhealthy?

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

This book does not exist. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be worth buying or reading.

For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who watch too much TV are broke.

Too much nudity is a turn off. Especially if all that flesh is on one person.

Me and my readers, we’re on the same page. That page is one.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.

I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam

Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked.

There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.

I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.

I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).

have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get her number, I told myself, even though I said the exact same thing sixty-some dollars ago....

You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your mouth, and non organic tastes like a thirty second tape recording that’s been...

I believe the love shared between two people shouldn’t be secretly shared with a third. Not even if I am vacationing on the moon, and that third person is my clone.