I’m too two for my taste. I want to be more one, more of a winner. If I start thinking like a champion, maybe I’ll start cheating like one.

I want to write a book called Kissing Kissinger. It won’t be about kissing, Kissinger, or even politics. It’ll be about radiator fluid, and all the health benefits you can enjoy from chugging it.

If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.

She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

I like glad-handing, because I hate handshakes that are sad. That’s why I’d make a great politician—because I wouldn’t shake hands with a lobbyist.

I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After...

My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a speed-reading blind politician I didn’t vote for.

The men responsible for this depression are irresponsible, and therefore only irresponsible people are responsible enough to get us out and reverse course.

I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.

A man with nobody to love is like a stamped envelope with no address.

I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks like me, but I won’t vote for him, because I always vote for...

When I’m in yoga class, and I’m in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I’m the Tree of Knowledge. To help further the fantasy I come to class with my yoga shorts stuffed with two...

Sometimes I kick my cat. But I’m asleep, and he sleeps at the foot of my bed. It’s not like I kick it intentionally, like it was a politician.

Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.

Cages are good. My heart is in my rib cage, and love is in my heart. We should put more things in cages, like politicians.

My gift to you is not what’s in the box—it is the box. Happy Birthday!

A politician is a person who trades promises for power, and then trades the people’s trust for personal gain.

I love like whole milk. Don’t give me your skim milk commitment.

Buy the town, and rent the politician. Politicians are refillable, like empty cups of coffee.

Her boyfriend can’t hold a candle to me. Especially not while I’m holding the strobe light. It’s hard to do modern dancing when you’re living like it’s 1882. Still, I make it look pretty easy.

I shot a cactus like a politician. But I didn’t care, because I didn’t vote for it.

I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.

Illinois makes silent noise. Loudoun County, however, has some of the highest decibel levels ever recorded by the Quiet Factory, since the political mouths in DC put them out of the whoopee cushion business.

It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.

What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?

The commodity I sell is nonsense. Condiments sold separately. Ah, but that’s life, no?

This is my logo for Mike

I had a dream about you. You brought me coffee. I brought you misery. It was Starbucks’ coffee, so I thought it was a fair trade.

I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re going to say I was so far ahead of my time that I...

When everything is working out for you, it means you are in the wrong gym.

I would pull at my beard like a wise man, but I don’t have one—a beard (or a wise man). So instead I pull at my grandpa’s beard, as he purrs like a kitten.

If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink needs refilling.

Most people like winners, but I prefer underdogs. They’re more fun to pet.

Love is like a chess match, where the queen wins the game and the king just sort of stands around.

Art books are filled with interesting images. And that’s cool and all, but I look more for the nudes.

If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

Any fool can masturbate, but it takes a real artist to make it look like sex.

I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

I had a dream about you. I had superhuman strength, not unlike I possess when I’m awake, and you wanted me to enter and win the World’s Strongest Man competition. I told you my super...

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

I had a dream about you. Flowers were overflowing in the cemetery, so we decided to have a picnic there. You brought apple pie, and I brought my Aunt Mildred, who’d been dead for some...

The road to hell isn’t paved with gold, it’s paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that’s backed by a belief that people have faith in other people’s belief in it.

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

I had a dream about you. You thought we had everything we needed—food, water, shelter, and love. But I forgot to tell you that to buy the food, water, and shelter, I sold our love...