Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.

One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards in the air if you lob it just right.

It’s so windy tonight the window is rattling. I guess it’s time to turn off my fan and turn on my anti-hurricane machine that’s powered by love.

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.

If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I’ll bet there’d be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

Albatross Harbor’s Man of the Year Award” went to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And from all the votes this year (one), it looks like the winner will be me. I’ve already begun writing my acceptance...

Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable.

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

The only thing more honest than a politician is, well, EVERYTHING.

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option.

I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.

My bathtub is big enough for two people to fit comfortably in separate showers. I’m the kind of lover that Lowe’s home improvement salesmen who are working for commission dream about.

I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

I conceal myself behind cynicism because it’s safe. Camouflage is more protective than body armor. Why do you think the Department of Defense contacted me to design a gun that shoots insults?

Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and enriching me, now that’s what I call social progress. Ah, but that’s life,...

I have been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten, possibly raped, subjected to hypothermia, and drowned, but still I dress up as Rasputin every Halloween for the Orthodox orgy.

Jacksonville was founded by a man named Jack. Jack’s last name wasn’t Sonville, as you’d expect. Oddly, Jack’s last name was Fatherville, but since Jack was himself a bastard, he found the name Jackfatherville to...

It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.

Is there any other time to be dancing alone to 50s music than 5 AM? I wish my grandpa thought so, because I’m trying to sleep in the ballroom.

I left my money somewhere, probably in your wallet. Let me check.

I want to leave a legacy. I’ll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

The first time I saw Agatha she gave me a double wink. Most men might have interpreted it as a blink, but I saw it as a sexually developed ambidextrous double wink. Such talent! Such...

I just made some ice cream soup—for winter, or the next time you visit Antarctica. It’s freezable and reheatable, like my love.

I want to be loved, but first, I want to love. I’ll love you and we’ll both feel good, and if you love me too that’d be great, but not entirely necessary.

The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.

In my pants is where you need to look to find out everything you want to know about love. I got the magic formula from your grandma.

We haven’t spoken in forever, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t love her. That’s what being in love with a mute is all about.

I love you” is alive and well.

I did a finger painting today, and you can hardly even see my brushstrokes. Similarly, when we make love, you won’t even notice that I’m there.

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

Everyone’s different, and in that way everyone’s the same. Stand out by sitting down. Try my love seat—it’s made for two people, so you can be comfortably obese.

Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.

I’m not saying I’m not saying. I’m also not saying I’m in love, and I’m not not saying I’m in love.

I am the red in remembered. Why am I red? Because I’m embarrassed.

I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than saying I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.

Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.

If my clone were standing next to me, I’d be beside myself with joy. I’d also be literally beside myself. In that case, I’ll bet you’d love me twice as much, huh?

In elementary school, in my lunchbox, I used to pack a saxophone. I could have been a chef, a culinary artist, and all that jazz.

People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show...

I had a dream about you. We were business partners. We had a pizza parlor/urinal repair shop, and to our great surprise we had no customers. Some businesses fail because they’re simply ahead of their...

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.