I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.

How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of a fogged mirror?

If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.

I’ve got nothing, but at least I’ve got nothing to lose.

Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t despise you is because they don’t know you. Thankfully you won’t have to...

I smell like cat snuggles and sex, though from two different activities. I have just perfected my meatloaf-flavored ice cream, if you want to grab a spork.

Love is silence multiplied by noise and divided by two.

When I was 18 I got bitten by a snake, and since then I have refused to vote for either a Republican or a Democrat.

We’re all lonely and looking for love, even if you’re fat, stinky, and asexual. You should wear a suit of armor when you have sex.

Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.

On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with fur. Why? Because I was going to where the world’s largest collection of...

I couldn’t be a doctor. I have no patience for patients, like I do silly puns. But I could be a barista, because I love coffee like I love sex—and that’s why I pay for...

If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man?

Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.

A shower curtain would make a great dress. If I make it for you, will you make love to me? Before you answer, you should know that I’m a bring my own bathtub kind of...

I like to meet people and pretend I’ll never see them again. I tend to value things more if I think it’s the last time I’ll get to enjoy it. I’ll savor every moment I...

I used to think that Satan and all the fallen angels were the most evil beings in the universe. Now I think it’s absurd and naïve to think that. Oh, Satan exists, but he’s a...

I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.

The width of the with is not as wide as the without, but the path is a more enjoyable walk, because you are not walking alone.

I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I can go take in a political speech?

Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating.

I’ve always been one to share things. Particularly things like responsibility and blame.

I find politicians’ speeches moving. Sometimes I don’t even pack up before forever leaving their vicinity.

Cats are portable calm distributors. They’re like vending machines distributing peace for free.

I thought you were her because she wasn’t here yesterday and neither were you. What would I do without you? Probably the same thing I didn’t do yesterday—nothing.

I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the people always suffer.

I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand...

I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement (the creation of me) that I did not contribute too.

Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to...

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it.

I had a dream about you. You were in the oil business, and I sold icy roads for a living. You didn’t understand who’d buy such a thing, and I said you didn’t understand how...

My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure I’ll catch up to him.

The best gift is one that’s paid for by the recipient. My love for you is for sale.

I bought it and threw it away. Why? Because I paid for it. The only thing better would be if taxpayers purchased it. I should be a politician.

Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.

In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.

How did my semen get on his anus? Simple—the lipstick. But that’s politics, no?

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.

I’m here for the gangbang, and I brought the cream cheese. Has the political convention already started?

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

My grandpa looks good in booty shorts. It’s too damn bad he’s dead and can’t twerk it for the small crowd that’s gathered in the cemetery.

Sure, politicians rob from us, the people—but only because it’s in our best interest. If they didn’t rob from us, somebody else would, and this other scoundrel wouldn’t even bother to wrap the theft in...

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.

I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.

I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option.

I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

A pear, an apple, and a banana in a basket on a table isn’t art, no matter how skillfully painted. But it is something to talk about, or at least a tasty way to utilize...