The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, wine, and sex.

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

I don’t like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.

I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

I make love like the desert. Ever implemented a cactus during foreplay?

I’m not afraid of death, I’m just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.

We made love like two meows having their tails stepped on. There were three of us there, and I’ve always wondered: Who were those two other people?

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love to you.

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.

I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I’ll bring the foreplay, if you bring the guacamole. (Yes, I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

We made love like two trees on a breezeless day. Neither one of us moved for hours.

My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you.

For a woman, intellectually stimulated is sexually aroused. For a man, sexually aroused is—well, I don’t know, I can’t think right now, because I have an erection.

Some people think nature is their God. I’d like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.

I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report...

We all want to be the best at something. Trouble is, some people are only the best at being second best.

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

My biggest life influences are people of the future, people yet to be born. Two people, in particular: Zax Xaz and Xaz Zax, who were both named after their father, John Smith—though they don’t share...

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, “Self Storage,” and I thought, “I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

I’m hard to love, but I love hard, like my heart is the sun yearning to tan your naked body. I promise I won’t burn you.

Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

I’ll make your heart melt like a puddle of love. Then I’ll swim across it—nude. Pricing for birthday parties does include the midgets.

It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

This picture has a lot of motion and features one person being forcibly removed. Reminds me of the commotion of my heart. Love is a lot like a crime scene.

Nobody can stop me. But only because I haven’t started yet.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

He’s only two years younger, but that doesn’t mean I’m not old enough to be his father. I grew up fast. Ah, but that’s life, no?

She has nothing but love for me, and I have nothing but nothing for her.

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less to say to me.

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that’s why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

A father and son walked into a bar, and the bartender didn’t serve either because the one didn’t look old enough. And he was right. Who becomes a dad in middle school?

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

Grandmother hates it when I do the “turkey dance.” Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn’t understand modern dance.

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick.