I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.

I’m great at making love, at least for the first 20 bucks, and for about 30 minutes after that I just sort of lay there, trying to stretch out my investment.

I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where she hadn’t laughed.

A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across the street.

A rose is a mix of thorns with a flower, and is therefore half fuck you and half fuck me. If I gave you a dozen, would you fuck me 12 times?

If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others’ solitude, I’d have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, “Yes,...

I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them...

I make love like others make money. You’ve got to spend money to make money, right? If not, then why am I paying for sex?

Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways of stirring, like renting Michael Phelps’ 400 IM time.

His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was a cross dresser.

An umbrella is a portable shelter. My penis is a portable people maker.

It’s been said that 1 in 4 people have herpes, and everyone has 4 grandparents, so let’s be honest, your grandmother is probably a dirty skank.

Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand so I don’t appear as if I want to start Roger Bannistering a...

I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before....

It’s not until the break of dawn that the darkness gets to take a break. That’s also when the pain of losing yesterday’s love begins to lift.

My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.

It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of...

The length of people I love is too long to list. But if you were to do it, it would look like a phone book.

To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out of my ass.

Don’t breathe on my voice, I yelled through my ears. But who’s there to listen, when you’re all alone and wearing earplugs. It’s true what they say, even if they say it silently—love is Helen...

If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick? I suppose because it keeps the engine of your heart running smooth.

Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice...

You know what’s a chain reaction? The direct relationship between how fast I pedal, and how fast my bicycle travels. I’m the kind of lover who notices the small details, like the fact that my...

I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If I can barely even carry it, I can understand how it’s a burden...

Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).

I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.

Her name was Melody, and she was like a song. A song on mute—because she was mute. Music to my heart.

I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a mixture of science and mysticism to transform losing into winning.

1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.

With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.

I breathe, I walk, I listen, I love. But not in that order, because right now I’m sitting down, testing my lung’s storage capacity, and ignoring you.

I was on my way to being on my way when I noticed a rainbow. That’s when I got out my fishing net to try to catch some trout.

It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.

When I told her my love would stop her tears from falling, she started laughing. She laughed so hard she started crying. Damn. Double damn!

Do you not like mayonnaise ice cream? What if the mayonnaise ice cream had mustard on top? I keep a hotdog in my pocket to highlight my enthusiasm for you.

I love you” can stop bleeding faster than a Band-Aid. It’s true. It worked for me after I stabbed my grandpa.

I built a Name Machine. It’s a vending machine that dispenses monikers. For 50 cents, now you can be called Don G. Lover, just like your mom.

I think I’ll hang myself under the tree that Agatha and I had our first picnic under. I’ll just have to reschedule my dentist appointment.

To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of 0. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go.

I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.

Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

I’m not an unproductive liar—I’m a productive fiction writer. I make stuff. I make stuff up.

I was the last person to see her alive. The cops don’t believe me, because I saw her before I was born.

Human sperm is liquefied dandelion florets, and an estimated one out of every thousand children are born as flowers. This is an indisputable fact, just as being love can elongate the genitals to cucumber-like proportions....

I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the...