I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

I enjoy breakfast in bed. But not while I am sleeping, because that’s when I’m making love.

I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.

People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.

She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x.

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.

Love is like meatloaf—don’t make it after midnight, unless you’re wearing a condom.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

I make love like a can opener. Will you be my Spaghetti O’s?

If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me...

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?

Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is...

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...

The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones I love to taste the most.

I watched the sunset from the comfort of my bathtub, which has a clear bottom so I had an unobstructed view.

My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am.

I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.

Her last name was Purchase, and I was sold. I tried to buy, but as there was only one of her, she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.

Love me for me, not for how much I resemble my clones, or how handsome they are, or how brilliant they are, or how much you want to have sex with all of them, at...

To understand involves the intellect, but to be understanding involves the heart.

Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms.

It’s a lie. There isn’t safety in numbers. But there is safety in letters. There are only 26 letters, and yet they are more powerful than an army of infinite men. Show me a man...

Sometimes love will break your heart in two. Or three, depending on if there’s an extra person involved, or how unmanageably large your heart is.

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water.

Winter and spring blended together this year like ice in water, and I was left thirsting for love. I’d better lay off the saltine crackers.

If people lived to be a thousand years old, there’d be extreme inequality, based not on class like now, but on genetics. Think how far behind unmotivated and lazy people lag now after only 65...

We made love like two Inuits make love like two popsicles, and then we went back to our cold lives. That was the best summer of my night.

The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late.

“Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking to me, but it was still good to hear he was a romantic.

My Love Machine is tough. It’s built like a tank. At night I’m romantic and so Sun Tzu I’m Moon Tzu. Come, let me make you howl.

I killed my clone and I hid his body behind every mirror I’ll ever step in front of. I’m always surprised to see him, and I never fail to brush his teeth or gaze at...

I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel without a because.

If my name were Oscar, I’d want to be an actor and win my namesake award and take back my identity.

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

I found out who my real dad is on Facebook. I also found out who he isn’t. He isn’t the man I thought he isn’t.

My facial features smell as rugged as a rose looks. Isn’t my nose the most romantically smelling thing?

yes” in eyes. Except when I blink. Blinking is definitely a no action.

In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing.

I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car. (Best not to park it in your kitchen).

On my first date with Agatha, I wore tight green Spandex, which made my skinny legs look like asparagus. Knowing no heterosexual woman could resist such a temptation, I set out to seduce her.

Children are like geniuses, only smarter. Ocala has more creative kids than any other city named Ocala. That’s scientific, because there is only one city named Ocala, and it was named after a city not...

The reason I rob nursing homes is because the residents in nurseries don’t have any wealth yet to steal. How can I steal from babies? What do you think I am, a Central Banker?

We have no secrets from each other, though sometimes I wish some things were more hidden. What’s more transparent than invisible?

Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked them out in the lab. Why sell your soul to the devil, when...

I won’t be lulled by the lullaby, when what waits after is eternal sleep.