A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV channel. But you were all talk, because you never even did that. So...

There’s nobody worth talking about, so let’s not talk about it. Only let’s do it anyway. I’ll make it up and then make up later.

A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013! I hope you still speak Europe and can understand not a word of...

I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could...

I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.

A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner.

If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need...

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off.

When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.

A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.

While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But that’s neither here nor there.

I write sappy love poetry. Mostly about bleeding trees.

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote and discarded his 10th symphony.

Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

One word I’d use to describe space is lonely. The only way I’ll board a space shuttle is if I had a babysitter with me. You know, to watch the baby I’ll make with her.

If the word “committee” were an acronym, the two “T”s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.

I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but , of a mating ritual.

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

60% of children are born to unwed mothers. I should start pulling out.

I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.

I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want...

Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to...

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.