If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple sliding across a cheese grater. I’m a sucker for love songs.

I’m so tired I could drink a cup of coffee as deep as the Grand Canyon. But I couldn’t take the first sip, because I’m too afraid of heights to get close to the lip.

I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.

I made Tuesday Salad like Monday morning is Sunday night. Do you agree on the difference a day can make in the realm of love?

I folded my map in half and used it to make a sandwich. Then I dipped it in coffee and ate all of Europe and half of Russia.

Not only is my lover invisible, but she’s also nonexistent. Talk about a cheap date!

Insects have the most sex. Trust me, I peep on them through my microscope.

Ask the police, and they’ll tell you I have a mug shot. They watched me take the picture before drinking the coffee out of the mug.

I decided not to charge you with murder, because that would require me filling out lots of paperwork. So you’re free to go.

When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that’s what my mechanic tells me.

If my shadow were made of ink, I’d kill it and use it to write a dark novel. Possibly a story about fractional banking.

The police thought she tried to kill me, and that’s what I thought too, so I tried to kill myself, so my attempted suicide would take away their suspicious of her attempted murder. Now that’s...

Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.

Mouths are self-loathing and prejudiced, because one mouth will never talk to another mouth—it’ll only talk to two ears. Likewise, the hatred is so great that one mouth will never listen to another mouth, even...

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

I’ve long suspected myself of being a suspicious person. But that’s OK, because suspicious people make better lovers, right?

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls.

I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.

Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.

My love is ripe for the peaching. Let me make Georgia to you all night long—and if I have the endurance, maybe even up to South Carolina.

The internet is a knowledge omelet. Sometimes I just want the purity of scrambled eggs that only a book can provide.

I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.

Will work for food. Will work for sex. Will work for the weekend, but I won’t work five consecutive days for it.

Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

Erections are temporary, but child support is forever.

I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That’d make me piss like a champion.

The best present is wrapped in fur. And when you shake the package, it meows. Give the gift of love, before it runs away and gets run over.

Cliff said he’d jump off a cliff, and I called it a bluff. I didn’t think he was bluffing, but I did think he should have accurately called it a bluff and not a cliff....

I have roots in this community. Those roots are blonde.

According to a poll conducted by ilovecatsandjarodkintz.com, Jacksonville’s favorite pet is the cat at 100 votes to 0 for dogs, birds, fish, or peeves.

Is it better to win over the hearts and minds of the people, or imprison them and torture them into telling you they love you? These are the tough decisions a future tyrant, I mean...

I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising.

You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try to deny the existence of nonexistence?

The Dome.” Perfectly round, this room is one continuous curved wall of books. A copper dome sits on top with four stained glass windows fitted tight to allow for natural light to stream in. The...

Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.

When I turned 30, I was done with Thousand Island dressing. I have moved on to Island Number 1001.

I can’t talk you out of what your heart is set on. I just hope you set it on the shelf, next to my book.

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.

Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.

Love rocks. Stones also rock. I wish I could scissors paper my way into your heart.

It’s not wise for me to extend a congratulatory handshake while your hands are busy clapping for me. I’ll wait for your applause to die down—or for my mother-in-law to die before we shake in...

My last two girlfriends both had the same name—and they looked similar. One looked older than the other, but they were in fact the same person.

I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.

I’m to lazy to edit before hitting send.

Bricks could be used to line the pockets of the politicians, the way the people’s money once was, as we drop them off to search for Atlantis.

I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a mindfuck!

It was dark in the alley, and I was afraid I’d get mugged. Coffee also fears it’ll get mugged.