I had a dream about you. Due to the underwater nature of our relationship, I kept referring to you as Mrs. Fishface. You probably thought I was being racist, because you were in fact a...

Our time together was a blur—not because I was drunk, which I was, but because our love was like the beating of a hummingbird’s wings.

He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because he also kept his sandwiches warming there while he walked.

Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and cheese as humanly possible.

Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven mitts, because they’re sure to be hot.

Love is a bird’s nest of emotion that I used as a basket to store picnic items like apples, cheese, wine, and finger foods like thumbs and pinkies.

I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character.

I eat footballs, and I shit touchdowns. And I always wear a helmet when I make love.

I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and I bet I did, because she went home with another man—but she was...

When she’s cuddled close, I feel there’s nothing I can’t do, and I can’t do nothing about it, because my heart is her heart for as long as she wants it.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

Mannequin Love.

I am the Zero Zoo. See the empty cage that is my heart. I’d like to imprison your love there.

We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)

Pele popularized the bicycle kick, and I created the unicycle kick. It’s like the bicycle kick, only it requires more balance and one less wheel.

My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would be the double greatest influence on my life.

He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.

The salesman said the sale was happening because all the gizmos in the store had to be liquidated. It was a lot of solidfluid, and I would have bought something, but the only thing I...

One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)

The mascot for the New York Mets should be a handshake. But first, let me wash my hands.

I turned on my faucet, and out slithered a clear garden snake. It was too cold to shave with, so I grew out a beard and patch of broccoli. Sometimes my love is liquid, and...

I have sewn my own destruction, and it looks like a cat sweater. I knitted matching pants too, because that’s what lovers do. My feelings for you melted in the ice cream cone, and I’m...

I want to name my son Justin Case. You know, just in case.

If I get famous, I’d seek employment in a wax museum—as a candle. If you fire me, make sure you blow me out before singing Happy Birthday.

Leading up to my life is a long line of dead bodies. These are my ancestors, and I respect them, but I’m glad I don’t have to bury them all. I just have to bury...

A Toyota is not a toy. At least not a sex toy. However, my driving is both erratic and erotic. Tickets are ten dollars per passenger. Senior citizen discounts not available.

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up for adoption.

When you meet me, the first thing you’ll notice is I have a firm handshake. The second thing you’ll notice is that I’m wearing oven mitts. I like my introductions hot, like my iced coffee.

My response landed me in hot water. A dirty dish also landed in hot water. If I weren’t such a raging feminist, maybe I’d buy a dishwater instead of scrubbing them all by hand.

I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.

All the letters from A to Z couldn’t express what you mean to me. Not without cloning them and using some over and over

Nine times out of ten I left one out. But the one I leave out is never love. I always put love in—even when I put it in your butt.

I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. It’s not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me some money, and let me give you the reason you were looking for...

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

Simple. I have brains, heart, courage, and most importantly, I have ruby red slippers.

You may scoff and say I only make ten dollars an hour, but if at the end of an eight hour shift I made eighty dollars, and I only actually did ten minutes of real...

I wear a tinfoil suit, because you never know when you’ll be going to the moon. I’ll probably have more luck finding the love of my life on a lonely and dead space rock.

My mom gave me life, so I gave her batteries. AA batteries.

If I earn 10 dollars, I’m saving 11 of them.

I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.

Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was merely trying to spoon-feed you information.

The best ingredient is free. Free always makes food taste better.

I’ve been using the same razor since Occam (William of Ockham) shaved off his beard of excessive assumption. My morning routine is always the same. I wake up, brush my teeth, shower, shave, then I...

Both things have pros, and both have cons, but I think the pros and cons equal out leaving me unequal to the task of choosing.

I always thought it was Mo Be Dick. I know Mo, and he is a dick.

Revenge seeks its pound of flesh. That’s one fifth of my erection.

John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think I’ll go to sleep now.

My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

When I walk my dog, people always ask if we’re twins.