If you see me sitting at a dining room table with a clean plate and bowl in front of me, you’ll know it’s because I’m a starving artist. I’m also thirsty, as my cup is...

I found love in the City of Love. Not Paris, but Philadelphia. It wasn’t romantic, but more of a brotherly kind of love.

With a person I respect, I wash my hands before I shake their hand. With a person I don’t respect, I wash my hands after I shake their hand.

Social progress: for the same price as last year, I get a slimmer candy bar, less chips per bag, and I have to walk a little further to work, because to spend the same amount...

I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.

If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in aliens, I’d have laughed and said no. But that was before the abduction. I don’t laugh as much anymore, mainly due to...

I just hope the woman I invited over to dinner shares our insightful perspective.

Love is being able to be yourself, with another human being who makes you want to be better than yourself.

Who I am is unimportant. But who I am is very important. I’ll suppress my ego now, every occurring now, so I can achieve my maximum later.

Instead of complimentary breakfasts, why not complimentary compliments? Telling someone they’re looking skinny is sure to help them lose weight faster and feel better than, you know, actually eating.

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.

If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.

If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of popcorn takes to finish popping. That’s about twice the length of my marriage,...

I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.

Greek 201 is always easier than Greek 101, because at first it’s all Greek to you, and later the material is still all new, but it’s not so foreign as it was in the beginning.

I respect a man not for the clothes he wears, but for the clothes he doesn’t wear. Yes, nudity is an admirable thing indeed.

It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or designer, but she is a buyer—not for a retail outlet, but for her...

I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body, but I don’t want it to look like the Grand Canyon.

With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual Mercedes. With my new camera, I can’t wait to show you how much...

I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I wouldn’t be rebellious anymore. Did you hear what I heard? Because I heard...

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.

When you carry a gun, everything starts looking like a sword. If you pass the butter too quickly, I’m likely to shoot you. But even if you attack me, we can still be lovers.

The thought made my toes curl up, but only because the ground made it impossible for them to curl down.

I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.

I don’t kind of like to be kind and like you—I love to be kind and love you.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

My drug of choice is love. Sure, I’ve tried other drugs, but no other drug gets both the dealer and user high from every transaction.

My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say if I asked you to turquoise?

With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love.

I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.

The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn’t hate, it’s ignoringance.

Birthday presents come in boxes, like coffins, filled with dead gratitude.

Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.

The woman I love rolled through town yesterday, and she didn’t even stop her wheelchair once as she passed through. I got so angry I had to walk it off.

I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns in, as I don’t condone violence).

The cup had a lot of volume, so I poured in a lot of noise and sipped it up to my ears. And what I heard didn’t smell like coffee, but it did taste like...

I’m not a good liar, and that makes me a good liar, because liars are bad, and bad liars are good.

I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?

You can’t put water back in a cloud after a rain like you can with a sponge. Coffee flows out of my penis, and though it’s less caffeinated, it’s just as drinkable.

My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.

Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.

I wear glasses. They improve my hearing, Helen Keller style. And I sip coffee like a mute orator on a meteor. Drink up the deafness.

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him,...