I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap’n...

Forget food for thought. Give me food for my belly.

Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three...

I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.

She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.

Catholic, Episcopalian, I won’t have sects with you.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

I love food that carries food. Run, waiter, before I eat you too.

I had a dream about you. The flowers were blooming, but our love was wilting. I tried to water our relationship, but no matter what I did, you were insistent on leaving me for a...

The chair walked in the room like any four-legged creature would, and I sat on it like a cat.

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

One evening we made love all morning.

Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. And you can do this by living in a poorer neighborhood than you ever imagined.

The past is always more innocent, because it exists peacefully in the unreachable and unchangeable parts of the imagination.

Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, about Thomas Jefferson, and to Thomas Jefferson. Even though he was only the third president, he might be surprised to learn that today. I...

I’m looking for lost, but I don’t think I’ll ever find it, because the moment I do find it, it isn’t. Still, I’ll bet I find it before I find love.

Would you rather be affluent, or influential? I’d rather be fluent in the language of love.

Is the company you keep keeping you back?

I’m 60-years-old. -Ma’am, I don’t believe it. -You’re too kind. -It’s true. You look at least 75.

I am the Cheese Cube of Desire. Sometimes you’ve just got to live dangerously.

Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder than normal.

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed.

Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here...

Blankets could be employed to keep the people standing in the unemployment line warm. Well, they could be, if the people weren’t already hot with rage at the ineptitude and greed of the political class.

I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try to sell them to discerning lovers.

If I had to live my life over, I’d live it over seas, like a cloud.

A brick is a baton, as it passes from a civilization in ruin to one on the rise.

I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.

If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.

I don’t understand people who say they need more “Me Time.” What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else’s body?

I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.

When you’re here, I’m there for you. And when you’re there, I’m here for you.

A brick could be used as a car salesman. (A used car salesman.)

I agree with both these guys. Better make it a whiskey sour.

In a cube of awesomeness, I am the lemonade of longing. My love has twelve edges, like a pack of razorblades to an edgy suicidal maniac.

Issues need to be addressed. So do boxes of bricks that need to be mailed. Make the shipping label out to Kat Nelb, 2332 Blanket Anagram Way, Jacksonville, Fl 3223.

I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).

When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.

A brick could be used to wipe your ass with. You know, if you already live someplace shitty.

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

I loved her like Monday’s not Sunday. Is it yesterday yet? I won’t know if we were meant to be together forever until six days from now. That’s a long time. Also, that’s a long...

A brick could be placed on a conveyer belt. It will revolutionize the construction industry!

We made love like two smiles torturing a frown. My advice is to put it on the rack, and really stretch out the event.

I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.

I’ll never go hungry, because I’m a pet owner and a meat eater. I used to own broccoli, but taking it for a walk in the park didn’t work out so well.

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

She must have said wear flip-flops, but I heard flippers. I might not have been able to run fast, but oh could I swim. Like a dolphin. Mahi-mahi yum!

The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isn’t going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time they’ll rise up is during a commercial break to either go to the bathroom or grab...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.