Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

When I didn’t see a ghost, I knew I’d seen a ghost, because ghosts are invisible. This logic also lets me know when I’m in love.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I watched a truck go up in flames. It was hauling cigarettes. It was the first tragedy I’ve ever smoked.

A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.

Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as if people don’t want to see me at 4 AM as I knock on their doors.

I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed like a cowboy would get off my back.

I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.

A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the morning. After all, people often call me the Molly Brown of the Brown-water Bathtub. Also, I hate ice in...

LIberty is slavery. Or, well, you already know. P.S. Can you find my logo in the image?

Coffee smells like how I imagine heaven will be scented. Would you like to spend eternity in my nose?

It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, men are all visual. Well, except blind men.

His last name is either Groves or Graves or whatever the hell I wrote, trees or cemetery. We drank coffee like two people who should have been three.

She invited me out to dinner, and I declined saying I’m not a fan of big groups. She said it would be just us two, and I said, Like I said, I’m not a fan...

I use my windshield wipers when it’s not raining. I’m an umbrellaless pedestrian, and I can’t tell the difference between Starbucks’ coffee and a mud puddle in a cup.

When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

Alcohol makes you do some crazy things, like speak openly of your love, fornicate with strangers, and occasionally commit murder. That’s why I stopped drinking. Been sober now for over three days.

I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

I don’t think any man could solve the world’s problems overnight, myself included. You’d better give me at least two days.

I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

Abraham Lincoln wrote a poem about me once. You might know it as the Gettysburg Address. Men with beards are romantic.

He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the...

Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be...

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.

Love is like water, except it’s either fog or ice. I make love like a steamy 32 degrees.

I’m not sitting around doing nothing. I’m busy petting the cat. Why hasn’t anybody told the philosophers that this is the meaning of life?

I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening and morning?

Lecture’s over.

I enjoy the sounds of morning. My favorite is the shush of orgasm. If you tell me you love me, I might tell you the time.

I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves off your tree so he could peek in your second story bedroom window.

A blank canvas is so abstract that only imagination can fill it. But wait! Don’t hang it on the wall like that. It’s upside down.

I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.

Oompow,” which I would translate for you but it’s devastatingly embarrassing.

I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.

The good news is my neighbor survived the fire. The bad news is I like my food cooked a little more thoroughly.

So what if that one resident is shy? Do shy people not count as citizens? Do introverts not pay taxes?” You tried to claim that you were talking about population size and classifications on categories—nomenclature,...

Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.

Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in a scuba suit—on a waterbed. Not that I actually ever get in the...

Yes, but they also don’t protest when you root through their pockets.