I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

You can’t be extinct if people aren’t even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don’t know.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.

I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

I treat strangers like friends, friends like family, and family like strangers. And I make love like a cup of coffee that likes a cup of tea.

Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.

My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.

A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make a better first name?

Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need your help, so I’ll help both of us win and take, take, take.

Error is to err, as blanket is to blank.

What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.

A brick could be used as a comb, if you’re bald and have no hair.

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.

A brick could be used as a bottle opener. Just don’t smash down too hard, or you’ll shatter the bottle.

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup....

A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway.

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

I fell in love with her that day. I realized it when someone told me it was Tuesday.

I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more control over the relationship than I do.

He graduated law school, but he didn’t pass the bar. No, he stopped in and got drunk.

He was dashing. He wasn’t handsome—he was running.

I tie my smile like a shoelace.

A tree has leaves like man has hair. Some men go winter in the summer, and other men, like me, like skiing on skin.

Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

Seeing that the pizza slice came to a point, I picked it up and tried to stab my attacker with it. When you’re in love, you’ll do whatever is necessary to protect that person from...

That night when we made love, she saw a side of me she’d never seen—the left side.

The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.

The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her.

I want to be like air. Invisible, yet everybody needs me in their life.

I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder.

My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.

Life insurance is a dying industry.

And benefits? Just getting to breathe the same air as the distinguished guests that’ll scoff and sneer at me is more reward than I could imagine this side of heaven.

If I could capture the rays of the sun in a can, I’d paint a canvas with it and have you look at my work until the memory of my work was burned in your...

Going down my list of notable women in my life, we come to Y. Y for Yolanda, and as you might have prophetically foretold, we met at the Y (YMCA). She looked like a beaver,...

People who are attracted to both people and inanimate objects might find that mannequins make the ultimate sex partners. I know I sure did.

I make art and I make love, and I almost always do both at the same time. If the cops ask, I’ll tell them I was framed. Same goes for the museum.

For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.

I’m a charitable guy. I donate my free time to watching TV—and I do it benevolently, without being compensated by advertisers.

Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while I was driving.

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.