I have a lot of faith. I mean, I believe I do.

I drink coffee like I urinate—alone, or in large groups. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret handshake.

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

The best date I’ve ever been on was March 5th, 1982, the year I was born. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget that date.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years.

With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.

I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be...

Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.

There are at least two sides to every issue, and I like my issues sunny side up. I also like bacon and toast on the side. Are you eating what I’m saying?

All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your...

Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.

We’re not so different, you and I. Sure, we may have different religious beliefs, political outlooks, sexual orientations, economic viewpoints, and artistic/literary/culinary tastes, but deep down we both want the same thing: To be loved...

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM.

I eat a lot of raw food. Not for health reasons, but because I’m too lazy to cook.

Water is central to Jacksonville, and natives think of rivers as roads. Why, just the other day I was driving on the interstate, and I was being tailgated by a lunatic in a canoe. So...

The way my vacuum cleaner sucks up cat hair, I shouldn’t have been surprised when it huffed up my mustache. But I was surprised it sucked out all the love and romance in our relationship.

I make love like I make lasagna. I just made some, so would you like seconds?

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.

I travel light. But not at the same speed.

The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar?

A helicopter is just like a flying ceiling fan. My love is the journey of the breeze.

I speak the language of love. I just have no idea what it means.

How far would I go to be friends with someone? Halfway.

I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she acted younger, so no matter what her age was, I was surprised by...

I am the man of your dreams. Go back to sleep.

I should get 365 different t-shirts made up, each a slightly different color than the last, forming a gradient from green to blue. Then I should take a daily picture, and move down the color...

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

My love tastes like a raincloud. Best taken when suffering from desert mouth.

Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.

A brick could be used to motivate. Just hold it up as an example of something that’s going nowhere in life.

My ballsack drives me nuts. Jogging has got to be the floppiest sport. Definitely not for lovers. Gentlemen prefer gymnastics.

I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought I could cure both at once, so I tricked you into getting naked...

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

With this guy, two words come to mind: Probable murderer. But since he was the bartender, another word comes to mind: Understandable.

Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.

When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.

Silence is downright noisy when you’re a loud thinker like I am. Alone and quiet, it’s like a networking event in my mind all the time.

Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.

A brick could be strapped to the back of a pet gerbil, to teach it how to swim. That’s how I learned to swim. Grandpa glued a gerbil to my back, dropped me off in...