Human sperm is liquefied dandelion florets, and an estimated one out of every thousand children are born as flowers. This is an indisputable fact, just as being love can elongate the genitals to cucumber-like proportions....

I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the...

unique,” just to keep it youneeq.

I won’t tell you my name, but I will give you a number that describes me: 4. One a 1-10 scale, I love you like my numerical identity.

I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more romantic than roses on a grave?

recession.” No matter how many millions of jobs are lost, how much debt our country accrues, or how many years the stagnation drags on, it’s not a depression until the dogmatic media officially declares it...

I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and...

He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and get them all stinky. He had a flight to catch and a tiny...

Exchanging currencies from one country to another needs conversion, but not translation. Money, like love, is a universal language. However, you can’t debase love, no matter how much of it you pump into the world.

The first permanent structure in Jacksonville was a school/saloon. It was built by the Irish.

For dinner I had seared sneer with a glaze of distant gaze, and a side of mashed pride covered in grace.

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.

A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.

You can’t be the best all the time. But that’s what clones are for—to be you while you sleep.

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.

I’d sip your tears with a straw while you sleep, because I’m thirsty for your love. And the more I’d drink, the thirstier I’d become. Your love is oceanic.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

We were divided by color. Not black and white, but colour/color. She was British, and I was honoured to engage her in a spelling debate.

We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my emotions.

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

The remote isn’t broke—it just needs batteries. Well, it’s the same with my love.

I live in a tourist town, and I hang out in souvenir shops because it feels like home. Visitors want to buy everything from postcards to my love, and I love that. However, only the...

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

So long as that word is yes.” If the word would’ve been no, I’d have said no.

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

This couple thought they were as smooth as crunchy peanut butter. But they didn’t fool me with their Bonnie and Clyde act. I knew they were guilty of being innocent the moment I saw them.

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?

I inherited my sense of passion and romance from the Romans. Specifically Nero and all the fire he possessed.

Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily for them, I don’t fight very hard.

Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee.

I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.

My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous that Neil Armstrong annually rubs my face just to reminisce about his time...

What reading level is the word love? It’s a four-letter word everybody knows the meaning of, but nobody can define it.

For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.

Starbucks has odd drink sizes. I say man’s hands were meant to be cupped, so pour the hot coffee right in. But obviously I’ll need help pouring and stirring in cream and sugar, as my...

We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So you see, I had no other choice but to stab him.

The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.

You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink coffee now and remember the life you haven’t started living yet?

I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker, so for me, prison isn’t such a big deal. A smile extends much...

Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are.

I love coffee, and coffee loves me. You know what else loves me? Hookers in hot paper cups.

If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not one way.

I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.

I soak my white socks in coffee, so I can wear them with brown pants and keep my feet from falling asleep.

I won’t wear my invisible cloak.