I fish better than any fish alive.

I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can’t eat thank, so I know my stomach isn’t full of thank. I can’t smell or breathe thank, so I know...

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

I stood under the umbrella for hours before I folded it up and started walking. Umbrellas can block the sun, shield the rain, and if you flip an open one over, it can also be...

You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.

I make my living as a farmer. I milk the clock at work. And I make love like a dentist. Oh yes, I am that erotic.

A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.

My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.

Crying about the economy is a strategy. It won’t get you a job, but it will keep Kleenex in business.

Midgets smell like small, and I’m in the mood for a medium, like a large coffee from Starbucks.

manhole cover” is.

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

Her name was Ashley, but I called her Ash, because she looked like the burnt remains of a cigarette. But she smelled like coffee, and I thirsted for her affection.

We were young and in love. Well, at least I was young. I was fourteen and she was ninety-four. She tried to act like she never remembered we were dating, probably due to her dementia.

The woman in this photo can’t believe what she’s hearing. And since it’s a photo, I can’t hear what she’s not believing. I’ll bet she doesn’t believe she’s not the killer.

Coffee and Saturday go together like me and Suzy McKloozy went to prom together. We didn’t, and they don’t.

If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.

We fell in love like nobody’s business. I wish it was everyone’s business, so that I could have made money off it.

Don’t lift my words without permission. It might lead to a hernia.

There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body...

The business of business is people, not products or services. Take care of the people, and the people will take care of you.

The eyes in the frying pan looked tasty. But as good as they looked, it wasn’t good that they were looking at me.

hurry up and wait.

I don’t have tears running down my cheeks. Those are egg yokes, and yes, it means I’m in love.

My STD test results came back, and sure enough, I’m a genius.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.

If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take...

Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.

The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with our ears, and I have tried, then we would naturally have to have...

An exercise in unknowing is not the same as not knowing or forgetting.

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll be full for the foreseeable future.

Oh, look, there are jobs available in Jacksonville! Today there are two jobs for me and 1.2 million other people in this city to choose from. I can either go into the advertising industry by...

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, “Who’s the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

Conventional wisdom holds that water is liquid at room temperature. Well, not if that room’s temperature is 32 degrees. That also happens to be the optimal storage temperature for all the love I have for...

I get scared at night. That’s why I got a cat—for protection. Cats are deadlier than Teddy bears.

I’ll eat this world like coffee-flavored bubblegum. I’ll chew thoroughly before I swallow.

Instead of mascots, there should be mass cots, because these sports fanatics are intellectually asleep.

My love is a six-toed mutant, like a Hemingway cat. Pet it wisely.

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.

I don’t like breakfast, because I like things fixed and slow. Let’s just take our relationship morning by morning.

I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.

My hotel room has a great view. The view is right in front of the TV.

I had a couple of friends in high school. And by a couple I mean my parents.

Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic.

I am the melted cheese of desire. Please, feel free to double dip.

Good friends are like appendages. It’s painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.

The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.