I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

I lick each envelope I mail, so I can taste the closure and anticipation of travel. If they tasted like ice cream, they’d match the love letters inside.

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself when he quoted me. So in effect I’m quoting myself quoting myself, with...

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

The best part about teamwork, is me collecting all the prize money. Hey, that’s what captains are for, right?

My headboard has bars, like a jail cell. Sometimes I’ll be asleep and think I’m in prison, and I’ll hear my alarm clock go off and feel like I’m out on parole. Only then does...

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.

This guy’s got a mustache that’s made for TV. I’ve got a mustache that’s made for radio. I keep it zipped up quiet in my pants, next to my cigar.

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

I was in the shower the other day and I noticed on the back of the shampoo bottle it said, “Avoid contact with eyes. In case of eye contact, flush with water.” and I thought,...

In light of the darkness, I see no reason to have no reason.

Agatha and I rode off towards the sunset together. On a unicycle. Two bodies, one wheel, one seat, one love. And tomorrow Agatha’s clone and I will ride off towards the sunrise together. On a...

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.

It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.

I crammed six years of silence into sixty seconds, held frozen and firm with an icy stare.

When she told me to sit down, I didn’t know where I stood with her. Ah, love—it’s like a chair. It’s always sitting, yet standing on its legs.

My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women.

I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her.

If I could adorn myself with a question, I’d wear a where. It would never go out of style, because location is everything.

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.

I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.

The snow covered the two hills like vanilla frosting on two breasts. That’s what I thought then, because I was in love, and ready to sled down the icing on a birthday cake.

When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.

Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).

It’s not easy to run in such a way that makes it look like you’re walking.

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you’re going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet.

Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry.

Yesterday I inhaled a cloud, and immediately my eyes started raining.

A blanket could be used to help my career. Things have gone cold in this economic depression, so anything to help warm things up would be most welcomed.

The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.

She has a name, it’s true. But all women have names. So to elevate her above all the rest, I simply call her Her. And for as long as I live, I will always love...

A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.

My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person.

Toothpaste Tuesday—bring in your favorite toothpaste-covered t-shirt and win free condoms. Remember to smile, because life goes on.

Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride.

Will you be my formal yawn formation at dawn? One rocking chair nailed to the floor does not make a relationship, if you know what I mean.

You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican...

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.

Why fly in a space ship when you can just park it in my driveway? I’ll even move my tricycle to the bathtub, to heighten your showering experience. Who says I’m not romantic?

Blessed are the organized, for they will gain everything that they’ll never lose.

I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.

A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when I get out the Behavior Cloth (a blindfold).

My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.